According to psychologists, the son is dating a girl. Timely help from a specialist is the right way to solve the problem of loneliness. The psychologist Tolstova Yulia Evgenievna answers the question
someone with young years girls do not give a pass, and someone can’t get to know each other even at 40 years old. It happens that a man is outwardly attractive, and educated, and well-mannered, but relations with women do not go beyond friendship. At the age of 18-20, a guy attributes failures to inexperience, an insufficiently confident position in life, and small earnings. But years pass, and with them dozens of unsuccessful attempts to get acquainted, terrible dates, insulting refusals, painful disappointments.
In attempts to introspection, self-confidence, in one's actions, virtues, and capabilities are lost. Soon comes a feeling of anger, resentment against women, hatred, attempts to move away from communication with the opposite sex, and then with all people. In the fact that relations with women do not add up, a man begins to blame not himself, but the opposite sex. Thoughts that he is uninteresting, unattractive, ridiculous, awkward, lead to complete isolation, loss of self-esteem, real failures at work, severe depression.
So what is the reason for the bad luck?
Every man between the ages of 17 and 45 who has problems communicating with the female sex has at least once tried to figure out why it is not possible to establish relationships with women. Each of them replayed scenes from his life many times in his head, tried to find the moment where he was wrong, put it wrongly, said something wrong, behaved wrongly. But in almost all cases, the answer has not been found.
The first thing that comes to the mind of any man is the reason for external attractiveness and material wealth. Attempts to change the style of clothing, conversation, to show great generosity in relation to the next chosen onestill not giving results. And when, it would seem, all the ways to get acquainted and advice to start a relationship have been tried, but nothing worked, negative psychological processes are triggered:
- drop in self-esteem
- the appearance of uncertainty, timidity, fear
- developing a passive attitude towards life
Expecting failure in each new case of acquaintance, a man becomes aggressive in communication, defends himself where it is worth opening up. Against the background of such a complex of problems, it becomes impossible to build a career, engage in physical health. It's no secret that the source of many physical ailments are precisely experiences, psychological problems.
Low self-esteem - a cause or a consequence of unsuccessful relationships with women?
But not always low self-esteem is the result of unsuccessful attempts to build relationships with women. If a young man does not develop relationships with girls at a young age, he can transfer this experience to later life, deliberately setting the bar of self-esteem below the acceptable limit. Becoming an adult, a young man with such experience can specifically choose girls in his opinion "worse". In the mind of such a man, the idea is firmly formed that nothing will work out with the best anyway. This assessment is purely subjective, because he divides girls into “worthy” and “unworthy” according to his own taste.
Here is a typical example of such a situation: a 21-year-old young man convinced himself that he was unlucky with girls. Despite such a young age and the almost complete lack of dating experience, he decided that he was not interested. opposite sex. Friends gave him some advice on how and where to meet, what words to say and how to behave. He began to approach unfamiliar girls on the street, in in public places, in the subway and try to get acquainted, but everyone refused him. As a result, he decided that he did not like the girls, did not attract them as a man. With each subsequent acquaintance, he already set himself up for a negative answer in advance. Self-esteem was rapidly falling, which was reflected in the end of his studies, he could not defend his diploma.
In the process of working with a specialist, the young man managed to understand that the problem was that he had low self-esteem. As a result of several meetings, his self-esteem has increased significantly, he was able to find his own approach to girls, no longer needing the advice of friends. Soon he had several successful acquaintances, one of which grew into a long-term relationship.
The root of an adult relationship problem may lie in childhood.
Often the answer to the question why relationships with women do not work out lies in childhood, in a family setting. Mom is the first woman in the life of any man. It is on the relationship between mother and son that it depends on how the boy will grow up, how his personal family life will develop.
For example, one man who, at age 40, decided to seek help from a specialist, told the story of his family life. All his adult life he tried to find the woman he loved, but could not. He wanted to meet beautiful and successful girls but the relationship didn't work out. The man wondered, “Why don’t I have a relationship in which I would be comfortable?”.
During the consultation cycle, the man managed to understand what prevented him from building relationships and freely communicating with those women who he really liked, who were suitable in temperament, character, and interests. The man was raised by his grandmother, while his mother pursued a career and was successful, but her son was not interested in her. He sincerely loved his mother, but in return he received only coldness and indifference. The experience of the specialist and the desire to solve the problem helped the man meet a bright and spectacular woman, and then build a relationship with her at the proper level.
How to change the attitude towards women?
Most parents want to raise sons who could achieve a lot in life, could start families and build successful careers. There are several parenting patterns that can lead to the fact that a man does not develop relationships with girls throughout his life.
1 model
If the boy is limited in everything, they do not allow him to show his own initiative and do what he loves. It will be difficult for him to make acquaintances with the opposite sex and show a dominant role in the family.
2 model
It will also be difficult to build relationships for the boy whose mother was very domineering and regularly scolded her son for his misdeeds for any reason, even if he was not to blame for them. Such guys are afraid of women, they are wary of the opposite sex and try to avoid moments of crisis.
Here is another example of the story of one young man. At the age of 24, he managed to completely become disillusioned with the girls. He carefully chose each new girl for acquaintance, evaluating all her qualities, but, having become close, he learned that “ perfect couple" not free. At the first conversation, the guy said that all the worthy girls were already taken, he was tired of refusals, regarded them as his own failure and the superiority of his opponent. He treated the rest of the girls with visible disdain. Many times he tried to get acquainted on special sites, but at the first two meetings he discovered a mismatch of interests and ended the relationship. With those whom he noted as worthy, there were no more than 1-2 dates, after which the girl left.
As a result, a self-confident, successful guy began to experience serious problems with communication, lost interest in work, spent most of his time alone, became isolated. Gradually, the young man managed to regain self-confidence, not to give up, to tune in to finding the right solution. The course of communication with a specialist soon led to real results, the guy invited a colleague on a date. Long communication with this girl grew into a serious relationship.
Timely help from a specialist is the right way to solve the problem of loneliness.
In the problem of unsuccessful relationships, it is very important to find out the reason that prevents you from being harmonious, loved, happy. To hear an affectionate word, to feel the warmth of a touch, to feel needed, to find the meaning of life - every man deserves this. In order for life to gain meaning, and not be an empty existence, you need to find strength in yourself and accept the help of a professional. An experienced specialist will help to change the inner world without breaking the ideology and value systems, and look at it from a different angle. After all, the path to solving a complex problem can be assessed objectively, and then a person will find a way out of this situation. and I will help you.
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If during your student years your son met girls, but did not find anyone to his heart, and after graduating from the university he got into the army (yes, yes, sometimes young people serve, paying military duty to the Motherland), and his beloved was not waiting for him, then this is still no reason to worry. There is hope that after finding a job, he will find a girlfriend and marry, in the end.
Son does not want to marry
But time passes, the boy is already 25 or more, and he is all alone. And the mothers of single children begin to ask themselves the question: “Where can I find a bride for my son?” Some, the most advanced, begin to search the Internet for dating sites. But it makes sense for big cities. There, the bases are larger and there is an opportunity, by phone, to meet with the applicant in person or try to introduce young people.
In smaller cities, but with a fairly large population, you can try to find a bride by additionally contacting a marriage agency, a modern analogue of a matchmaker from the distant past.
Why is my son not getting married?
But how to find a bride for a son if the town is small, and the mother does not know how to use a computer, and there is no agency? He himself is somehow not puzzled by the fact that he is alone, he is satisfied with the life he leads. Of course, he does not tell his mother all the details, but she, as an adult, understands that her son still meets with persons of the opposite sex, but this is all frivolous and superficial. These meetings are fleeting and will not lead to anything, in the sense that they will not lead to a wedding and long-awaited grandchildren.
But sometimes it turns out that all the efforts of the mother are in vain. She does not understand why her son does not marry. After all, the age has come to create a family, he has all the prerequisites for this, but he lives single and does not want to burden himself with anything. He even begins to show dissatisfaction with the fact that she interferes in his personal life. Because of this, conflicts can arise.
In this case, surprisingly, it can give a positive result. The son wants to leave home. He wants freedom and independence, and he does not think at that moment that this will turn into everyday disorder for him. Perhaps he knows how to cook a little, do laundry, and even iron a shirt or trousers. But cleaning! This is a hated occupation for most men, and here you have to go for groceries, and do a lot of all sorts of things that he had not had to do before. Mom did this ... He will not return home for many reasons. That's when the realization comes that he needs a woman in the house, a wife who will give him not only love, but will also take care of him, create comfort. He will get everything he is used to and what he lacks so much.
Therefore, it is worth considering for women who are too protective of their overage children, what this guardianship can turn into. In order not to have to wonder: why does the son not marry? To not have to look for a bride instead of him.
My name is Raisa. I read several stories in the "My Life" section and realized that the problems concerning our family are, unfortunately, very common among the younger generation today.
My son is now 31 years old. Ros normal child, studied normally at school, then at the institute, was sociable with kindergarten, was engaged in dancing in childhood, then swimming. Friends were both at school and at the institute, they were friends with their entire group, in which there were both boys and girls. For a long time we talked with classmates after the institute, sometimes even now. There was nothing to worry about on our part.
Disappointment in life came at the age of 26. Big personal experience he didn’t have any communication with girls, because. always communicated with the company. Met at first with one beautiful, harmonous. Relations seemed to improve, but she was not going to get married, and they stopped dating. After a while, a second one appeared, which was outwardly inferior to the first, and he fell in love, but this girl just used it for household purposes. Help in arranging the apartment that her parents bought her, and with that she said goodbye. My son was very worried, even saw tears in his eyes. A deep depression began, he quit his job, stopped communicating with friends, sat down at the computer ... I understand that only live communication with people can get out of this state. My husband and I began to insist on going to work, in the hope that he would get into a good team, but he preferred to work on remote access Well, he's a good programmer.
And so a young, handsome, slender guy, whom the girls paid attention to from kindergarten, gradually began to get involved in computer toys. He hardly leaves the house, he works for some time, and the rest he plays. Stopped doing physical activity, refused to go with us to the sea, citing the fact that he was not interested in us. We offered to find him a girl and take her with him, or go with her on his own, but alas ... He would certainly agree if he had a girlfriend. He became thin, pale, his eyes were inflamed from tension, he did not want to talk to us. Either he is just silent, or he goes to the computer, damn this computer. No interest in life, painful to watch.
The guy does not smoke or drink, but it seems that most modern girls do not like them. I understand that there are other girls who want to meet such people, but he does not believe in it, and therefore this is the result. Yes, and where to meet them, if they don’t go to hot places, they don’t get acquainted through the Internet. Lost both faith and hope.
I can't look at it, and I don't know what to do. Tired of crying at night. All friends have been married for a long time, some have already managed to get a divorce. Who to ask for help? I don't want to go to a psychologist. Where to look for a way out?
I just want to scream at the top of my lungs: girls, help for God's sake!
Psychologist's opinion
Oksana Blank:
In this situation, faith and support of relatives are very important for a young person. And this support should consist in the fact that they understand him, once again they do not emphasize the fact that the world is unfair and there are only those girls around who have mercantile interests.
Mom's sad looks, sighs, tears in her eyes, the desire to solve the problems of an adult son by finding a girl for him - this is all that once again proves young man that he is a loser, it makes no sense to believe in yourself, to change something. Of course, the parents also faced a surprise - their wonderful, handsome, smart son become irrelevant to others. The feelings of parents are understandable - they are in despair, they do not know what to do. After all, before they were effective in their actions and helping their child, and now the resource has been exhausted. Big kids are big problems.
The mother's help, which she resorted to before, doing something for her son herself, no longer saves. Perhaps if the parents stop looking at their son with sadness, they can talk to him on abstract topics without sadness in their eyes, it will be easier for the guy to believe that everything will work out. Of course, the help of a specialist psychologist in this case is necessary for a young person, but in such a situation, as a rule, people refuse to go anywhere. And then parents can go for a consultation, because they also need help and support, they also need to change their behavior, and possibly relationships in the family. It is known that a person changes, the space around him changes. Perhaps the changes in the parents will help their son as well, because the story shows that in this family there are warm, trusting relationships. It is also important to remember that the way out of this situation cannot be swift, there will not be major changes right away, most likely there will be minor changes in the mood and behavior of the guy, and these changes should be supported by his parents - relatives and friends.
Child's age: 18
How not to spoil relations with a son who is going to live with a girl, perhaps not suitable for him?
Good afternoon!
My problem lasts 2.5 years. At the age of 16, my son went to a holiday camp after a girl classmate, whom he treated touchingly and warmly. As it turned out later, he even raised money for her for nail correction and other whims. The girl said that she was tired of the relationship, perhaps after a while they will resume, but not a fact. My son is an excellent student, an athlete, not a nerd at all, the soul of the team. In the camp, a 20-year-old counselor met him and showed interest in him. As it turned out later, she moved into his room (the head of the camp was her close friend). Because my son and I had a trusting relationship, I always supported and trusted him, as he did me, after a while he brought the girl Arina (a counselor from the camp) home to the bride.
In the conversation, it turned out that she does not live at home, spends the night with acquaintances, girlfriends, etc., moonlights as a waitress, her relationship with her parents is ruined, her father told her to quickly find a man for herself and get married before the age of 21. The son began to neglect his studies, chatting on the street ended in a severe sore throat, any attempts to stop the process of communication only caused aggression. The girl told him and he insisted that we did not accept her because she was poor and from a dysfunctional family (mother, by the way, was in a certain sect, then, according to Arina, she left her).
My son turned 18 this year. Having begun to communicate with her son and understanding the value of a family in our example, Arina established relations with her family and found a normal job. But talk and thoughts about the lack of need to learn, to have higher education, to strive for some kind of achievement, remained on the same level. She has a lot of examples when people get comfortable even without education. Her parents are extremely happy and strongly encourage their relationship. The apartment, once rented to relatives, was urgently vacated and Arina moved into it to speed up the process of living together.
The son is categorical in his desire to spend the night with her, and generally settle with her. Today he is a student of the institute for which we pay. We explain to him that living together is a very serious step both in the moral and in the material sense. The son believes that we underestimate him, the relationship with me is ruined. For me it's a dead end.
I would be very grateful for any help and support. Everyone comes to me for advice, but I can't figure it out here. She has always been his support in any situation, and now he turns to me in difficult matters.
Olga
Hello!
Even the strongest and smartest people need support and advice from time to time. The fact that you were able to formulate the problem indicates that you are focused on solving it.
Your child has grown up and despite the fact that he still listens to your opinion, he tends to make decisions on his own. Any encroachment on the freedom of his actions is regarded as disrespect for him personally, and he opposes this in his own way. According to what you described regarding the actions of your son, we can conclude that you brought up a wonderful guy who is able to take responsibility for his actions and deeds. If you do not meet him halfway in shaping your personal life, he will still do it his own way, but you risk losing the most valuable thing on his part - trust. Not a single loving parent is able to protect his child from the hardships of life, but you must direct, inspire by your own example to solve problems. What will happen to the "you and son" relationship if he decides to live separately with this girl? It is unlikely that your feelings for your child will fade away, there is an opportunity to provide support, no one will forbid you to express your opinion on this or that occasion, and then he needs to build a life program himself. If you stumble, the confidence in your love will help you get up and move on. If he manages to build a strong family, this will be another proof of wise upbringing on the part of his parents, and as a son, he will always be grateful to you for this. In other words, any manifestation of tolerance on your part will be worthy of a reward from your son. Now, against the background of everyday practicality, on your part, and overpriced, due to age, ambitions on his part, it will be difficult to take the first step towards each other, but this is a necessary stage for everyone. The basis of all relationships is a healthy feeling of being needed by someone. For a young family that is subject to day-to-day modeling, your advice is needed, but it must be given in an acceptable form. If you think that your son’s beloved is short-sighted and slows down the learning process, don’t set yourself the task of convincing your son - try to show all sorts of advantages for a young couple that a man has a higher education in front of her and let these arguments be much more convincing than the examples she gives. The main thing to remember is that any form of conflict management is a kind of protection from someone or something, if a girl was not loved in her parental family, she can unconsciously look for flaws in your upbringing system and it makes no sense to resist it. To sincerely understand and make up for the lack of care is much larger and more effective than reading lectures and even more so despairing.
Question to the psychologist:
Good afternoon. My son is 23.5 years old. Probably, from the 10th grade, he met with various girls, it cannot be said that he was a "touchy boy." The girls were different, the duration of the relationship was also different, it happened, they lived together for some time (well, for half a year, probably, it happened). Now he has been living with a woman 13 years older than him for 2.5 years, she has a daughter (does not live with her, somewhere in Moldova with her grandmother). She is not going to have common children and voices this to her son (like why they are needed, they will squeak and nothing more), he supports and tells me that he is not going to have children. She is trying to obtain Russian citizenship, and I made her a temporary registration (my son persuaded me, I succumbed, I didn’t quite understand then, I wanted to help my son’s girlfriend). She agrees with everything that her son says, happens with him in the company of his peers, does not appear to be complex about age. They live separately in an apartment that belongs to me, the house is such a mess, it’s simply indescribable. And they come to us with an overnight stay - the same thing - everything is lying around in all corners. Clothes, papers, things, utensils, food... I have never seen anything like this with anyone of my friends and, of course, we always try to keep order. I can’t imagine that a woman who considers relationships seriously (and she makes lifelong plans with her son and voices them, for example: we’ll build a house, we’ll move, we won’t have children - why are they ... etc.) treated so carelessly to the home hearth. As if "after me - even a flood." It seems to me that she uses her son in her own interests. He's not a stupid guy, but this issue... I don't understand if he understands or not. I expressed my vision of the situation to my son (very carefully, of course). He said that everything in his life suits him so far. But I'm tormented by questions: 1. Well, it's not for nothing that an adult woman lives with such a young one. Does she need to register and be able to get a job? Or is it love? I remember myself at her age - such youngsters were not interesting to me, how I treated children (my husband is the same age as me). Their cohabitation really annoys me. I really want him to find a couple more suitable in age, more or less economic (as far as it is possible for today's youth), positively related to children (at least in the future) couple. But for now I am silent and do not press, because the son is stubborn and can out of spite, for example, marry her. Or she will help him make this decision. 2. At what age does a man begin to comprehend the importance of a child in the family and plan to have one? Is it possible to hope that the son will rethink and change the situation?
For information: the son has been living separately since the age of 17 - he left to study, almost immediately got a job, in general person completely independent, does not ask for life. Competent, programmer, writes poetry and music... Versatile personality. Ambitious, at his age he managed to go through a good career path, worked as a private and as a boss. But he cannot make large purchases himself, I help sometimes. I noticed, however, that he does not particularly want to overcome difficulties. For example, to go somewhere to break through something, to resolve a controversial issue in some organizations ... I myself was not punchy in my youth, someone will bark at me somewhere (a salesman, a nurse in the reception, a plumber in a housing and communal services ... I it was easier to leave than to get into a squabble. Now life has taught me and made me be able to overcome everything. Maybe it's age?. Our family is normal, healthy, 26 years old with her husband, married, we work at a factory, educated, grandparents are the same "My husband is a year older than me, they got married when he was 21, he immediately said that he wanted a family and children. Before marriage, I didn't really care about children - I didn't mind, but I didn't dream. I took it for granted - there would be a family - there would be and children.
The psychologist Tolstova Yulia Evgenievna answers the question.
Hello Olga!
Each of us has his own vision and his own reaction to the situations that occur in life. Some we like, some cause bewilderment, rejection and rejection. Especially if this happens to someone from our loved ones, and even more so children. After all, we know what and how it would be better for them, or, rather, HOW IT SHOULD be.
In your case, Olga, your son, as you write, has been living an independent life for a long time (“my son has been living separately since the age of 17 - he left to study, got a job almost immediately, in general, he is a completely independent person, he does not ask for a life.”) He is “Competent , programmer, writes poetry and music... Versatile personality. Ambitious, at his age he managed to go through a good career path, he worked as a private and as a boss.”
But “he doesn’t really want to overcome difficulties” .... This, probably, is one of the problems. Your son has found a grown woman with whom he is happy to be in a relationship. That is, it can be assumed that your son is on this stage he does not want to take responsibility for his life.
And the children you ask about in question 2 are responsible, and his cohabitant also does not bear it, since the child is with his grandmother, and not with her. She and your son have found something in common that currently unites them.
Your 2nd question: “At what age does a man begin to comprehend the importance of a child in the family and plan to have one? Is it possible to hope that the son will rethink and change the situation?
The desire to have a child does not depend on the age of the man. To become a truly good father, a man himself must grow personally, that is, he must be ready to take responsibility for himself, his wife, his child in any situation, without blaming anyone around, relying only on his reaction.
And in this situation, the entire responsibility lies with you and his cohabitant. You gave them an apartment, she herself decides whether they have children or not, and your son's word is not available at this stage. He is, so to speak, somewhat infantile (that is, he is dominated by a childish perception of the world).
Regarding your first question: “Does she need to register and be able to get a job? Or is it love?
Both options are possible, but I would replace the word "Love" with mutual sympathy and mutual benefit.
You can also understand your desire: “I really want him to find a more suitable age, more or less economic (as far as possible among today's youth), positively related to children (at least in the future) couple.”
After all, like all parents, you want the best for your son (and for yourself too).
You’re doing the right thing by not taking the initiative (“But for now I’m silent and don’t press, because my son is stubborn and can out of spite, for example, marry her. Or she will help him make this decision.), Feeling, so to speak, a woman’s instinct, that you don't have to do it.
It is necessary to understand one thing: your son is the one who was raised by you and your husband. And what you don’t like now, didn’t appear in your son by itself. You were the first teachers in his life.
It is possible to help him arrange his personal life only by observing, comprehending, and in right time and in the right place, talking about what worries you very carefully from the side of I-statements (“I am very worried that you have become so sloppy”, “Dad and I would like to see you give us a grandson”)
But you are already doing everything tactfully (“I expressed my vision of the situation to my son (very carefully, of course).”
And since your son is happy with everything for now, you have no choice but to be patient and let your son live his life, but at the same time not forgetting about personal boundaries. If you don’t like that “everything is lying in all corners” in your apartment, voice it to your son and his cohabitant in the same tactful manner (They are adults. And even children are taught to clean up after themselves).
I wish you all the best, patience and prosperity.
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