Rules for the family at home. Methodical recommendations "family norms and rules". Family life rules
The sacred ten rules of living together that need to be carved in granite and hung on the refrigerator.
Abraham Kozlov
Frankly, we are comforted by the idea that our reader is a person who is not burdened with heavy obligations and deep attachments. He roams serenely through life in a fedora (why not?), not lingering with a single girl long enough for her to start chastising him for the felt hats scattered around the house. In general, it is gratifying to imagine that our reader lives a carefree single life, which we never managed to live. (Did you think why we sit in the editorial office all the time and make a magazine? Because a whole happy family is waiting for us at home.) But these are all dreams. In practice, it turns out that many of our readers are sedate people. Family, if without beating around. They spend months and years in a relationship with the same woman and sometimes they don't even complain. And it doesn’t matter if your relationship with a girl is registered in state organizations and whether this fact was noted by incomprehensible drunken relatives from other cities at an event called “wedding”. The main thing is that you live together and you like it. For such conscious and constant ones (at first we wanted to write “boring and lack of initiative”, but in time we realized that this was already understandable) we have prepared 10 commandments of living together. Why commandments and not rules? Well, actually "commandments" sounds prettier than "rules". But most importantly, we wanted to emphasize their importance and sacredness. After all, if you follow these commandments without fail, the likelihood of living together for a long time and, perhaps, even happily, greatly increases. Will you risk it?
Do not tell your wife about your adulteries
Everyone has weaknesses. Some weaknesses have a fourth bust size long legs and silky hair. And then, as luck would have it, a corporate field trip and a box of vodka, surreptitiously brought in a backpack by the head of the personnel department. Or, say, a business trip. How lonely it can be in an impersonal hotel room for a visiting salesman! .. In general, he stumbled. It happens to everyone. But this does not mean that upon returning home, you need to, embarrassedly drawing circles on the floor with the toe of your boot, start from afar: “Honey, you won’t believe what happened to me ...” Are you tormented by guilt? Fine. Consider that this is your payment for what you have done. “It seems to many that, having confessed to treason, they act honestly and even nobly,” Olga cools your righteous ardor. “In fact, they shift the responsibility for what they have done to their partner, dooming him to the pangs of jealousy and even paranoia.” So, if you have sinned, be a man. Do not sow in your girlfriend a grain of (hmm, sounds ambiguous, but oh well) doubts about your loyalty and your own uniqueness. Yeah, and the next time you go on a business trip and you stumble again, don't say anything either. Periodic cheating with different women- it's still nothing. Another thing is when you turn someone on constantly and carve out a place in your schedule for cheating on a weekly basis. Here it is already worth worrying about whether you are throwing logs into the hearth with the same girl.
« According to my blood conviction, the marriage union should be alien to any publicity, this matter concerns only two - no one else »
Vissarion Belinsky
Honor your father and your mother, but always take the side of your wife
Sooner or later (as a rule, even when it happens late, it still happens earlier than you would like) your personal woman will enter into an argument with another member of your family. And nothing else, if they turn out to be an incomprehensible drunk visiting relative. What if it's your own mother? And, of course, no force will save you from a collision with the girl's father on the question of which barbecue marinade is better - with lime or lemon. Unfortunately, at such moments, you should consciously forget about such human mechanisms as logic and justice, and, on the contrary, resort to the most primitive - called "protecting your female." Yes, perhaps such tactics threaten you with the loss of relatives. But relatives will not give birth to offspring for you. Relatives will not dry-clean your set of shirt-fronts. Relatives won't be muttering in the evenings for many more months: "Remember when your mother called me a 'self-serving prostitute', you laughed and changed the subject?" But there will be a girl. Worse, according to our consultant, there is a risk that "the partner will no longer perceive you as her protector and, therefore, your home as a safe place." Today you handed her over to your mother, and tomorrow you will sell her into Turkish slavery! (The latter, by the way, girls perceive more easily than a quarrel with the mother-in-law.) Therefore, always take her side. In the end, your parents will forgive you. Someday. Probably.
Do not pronounce the word "divorce", for the one who pronounces this word in vain will not go unpunished
Words have no power. You first became convinced of this at school, when, closing your eyes, you selflessly said “scooter” a thousand times. Then at the institute, when during a party in the hostel he told the girl a thousand times that "it would be great." But don't underestimate the power of words in a relationship between two people. After all, man is a suggestible being. Especially the one who spends most of his life next to you. “People living together share not only opinions, but also fears of each other,” Olga Mikulina confirms our fears, “and therefore, if one of the partners chooses and voices a course in a relationship, the second one gradually follows it.” So, the word “divorce” once uttered can give rise to a seditious thought in the partner’s head: “Maybe with a divorce, it’s true, that ... will it get better?” There is also another situation. “Often, one of the partners tries to keep the other with the threat of parting, to scare him, not suspecting that such tactics can lead to the exact opposite result,” our specialist sighs. A person who lives in constant fear of losing a partner can get very, very tired of this fear. So much so that at some point the next threat “Let's break up!” will answer: "Come on." Because as much as possible, really! So never, never and never again say the word "divorce" out loud. And about yourself - as much as you like.
« The only good thing about marriage is that it frees you from friends. »
George Gordon Byron
Do not reproach your wife in public, for the public has a memory
It is impolite to sort things out in a public place, whether it be a restaurant, a dolphinarium, or the apartment of a classmate Pashka. It is believed that the subtleties of your relationships, domestic and sexual, are not interesting to others. And although in fact we all know that this is not so and that when you shout “And you also snore during sex!” the eyes of others are lit with a greedy brilliance, and the ears are covered with perspiration, however, publicity should be refrained from. “Imagine,” our consultant invites you into the fantasy world, “that you will devote, say, friends and relatives to the ups and downs of your marriage. And then, as it happens, do not part, but continue to live together. But friends already know about your problems - perhaps too intimate. And how can they look you in the eyes now? But even if you are lucky to have acquaintances who are completely devoid of a sense of shame, remember that once you open a window into your relationship for them, you will see how they climb into it in a crowd. And the next time you have a fight, people around you will start giving you advice. “Of course, break up! I still remember how New Year she whipped your cheeks with a Christmas tree garland! Bitch! And the advice of friends broke even the strongest marriages.
Don't covet your housekeeper! But first, hire her.
Of course, everyone's financial means are different, but everyone can afford the services of an au pair these days (even au pairs can afford au pairs). For 1500-6000 rubles a month, you will save your girlfriend from a number of annoying duties. Why would she waste her talent as a gemologist on stacking clothes and turning dry dust into wet dust with a mop? Let it be better to fully devote himself to work and at the same time earn money for your joint vacation. You will be surprised how, with the advent of another woman in your life, the number of reproaches of the girl against you will decrease. You no longer have to endure undeserved insults for accidentally emptying the ashtray in the dirty laundry basket, because now this is not your girlfriend's problem, but your housekeeper. But Mrs. Mikulina asks you to remember important point: "Be sure to choose a housekeeper along with your wife." It is important for you not to cause unreasonable (or justified) jealousy in your girlfriend. And, by the way, keep in mind that some especially suspicious girls will hire someone prettier on purpose to test the degree of your loyalty. Therefore, the question of choosing an assistant cannot be left to the girl at the mercy.
« A wife should not make friends of her own; enough with her and her husband's friends »
Desire your wife permanently
It is logical that sex with a person with whom from year to year you share a bed, a refrigerator and a toilet seat, is no longer too attractive. Gradually, sex turns from euphoria into a habit, then into a duty, and then completely disappears, dissolves like a morning mist, to occasionally flash on the horizon like lightning ... In general, you understand. So for starters, your task is to make sex a duty. Doesn't sound very attractive, but it works. “No matter how tired you are during the day, no matter what distracts you, take time for each other,” our specialist expresses it politically correct. - This is especially important if the family Small child and the husband may feel abandoned.” Don't be afraid that sex will become a habit. First, not a bad habit, you know. Secondly, the desire to diversify something comes only when this something happens regularly.
Spend time with your wife, even if there are more interesting things to do
Shared leisure is the lifeboat of any relationship. And yes, raising eight common children and working at neighboring tables in the office is not regarded as time spent together. Don't be afraid, spending every free hour together is optional, just one hour a week is enough. But eight children should be left at home, this time should be devoted only to you two. And it is better to spend it not in the cinema hall and not chasing pigeons in the park, but doing an easy sport. “Playing sports together, like badminton or bowling, not only brings the couple together, but also gives it a sense of significance.” That is, the next time a familiar couple reports that they “did nothing” all weekend, you will answer that you won the district championship in high-speed weaving of birch bark baskets. And feel a surge of pride: here we are! Yes, you should spend your holidays together. It's one thing to visit your partner's relatives, and quite another to take a well-deserved rest under a palm tree twice a year. This is your joint cross. And by the way, the horror of the impending prospect of a one-on-one vacation is a bad symptom of your relationship.
« A woman who mocks her husband cannot love him anymore »
Honore de Balzac
Come to terms with the main weakness of your wife, for it is precisely this weakness that can become a bone of contention.
Often, when deciding to live together, you and your girlfriend are already more or less aware of each other's bad habits. And if some habits can be tamed, then it is better to consciously lay down your arms before others. For example, when you say to a heavy smoker, "It's either nicotine or me," don't be surprised to hear "Nicotine!" (Or did she say "Nikita"?) "Man is made up of habits. Try to eliminate basic habits - it is possible that the whole structure will collapse, ”Olga Mikulina metaphorically instructs us. Remember the positives. Let's say you put up with her smoking. But for that, you'll be attending not two, but five Asthma Anonymous meetings a week. Imagine how much free time is freed up for golf! A great era begins - an era of compromises, checks and balances.
Do not wish senseless quarrels with your wife
Every time you start a scandal, remember what results you want to achieve. Just scream? Break into the cat - in the end, for this they were created by nature. Any quarrel that did not lead to a specific result, whether it was an action or a decision, is like a stone in the tender carcass of a relationship. Is the girl getting into a fight? Try to get to the bottom of the conflict. Maybe she just has PMS. Or she didn't like that you set her plush octopuses on fire as a joke. In general, try to listen to her claims. And remember to use I-messages. That is, not “You filled the whole apartment with your octopuses!”, But “I feel abandoned and lonely among all these octopuses.” So she will quickly understand the essence of your claims.
« It's no secret that a happy marriage is based on a balance of interests and stress tolerance. »
Stephen King
Honor your wife's personal space and defend your personal space
“Start with the bed,” Olga Mikulina suggests enthusiastically. - The bed should be as wide as possible so that you do not interfere with each other in a dream. Very often, people sacrifice comfort in the name of mythical ideas that couples should sleep in an embrace. As a result, people interfere with each other's sleep for years, accumulating irritation on a partner. Of course, a large apartment in which you can make a wheel and go unnoticed will not hurt either. But even in a small-sized dwelling, you can acquire personal space. They can be at least a desktop, at least a gymnastic ball. The main thing is for your girlfriend to know that this is forbidden territory. She can't get close to it, let alone jump on it (if you still prefer a ball to a table). “Such a technique gives the individual the illusion of personal space, which is so necessary when he lives side by side with another person,” our specialist assures. And you, in turn, must limit your own curiosity and not swap the tubes that she so carefully arranges in a row on the nightstand every morning.
Usually, couples who get married have little idea of what awaits them as a result. This mainly concerns young people, who believe that after the registry office, they expect a period similar to dating time. In fact, everything is different, because living together and seeing each other several times a week are completely different concepts. To have everything at home the best way, it is very convenient to draw up family rules, which you will follow later.
The need for their laws
Quite often it turns out that everyone wanted the best, but everything turned out completely differently. To develop a family, you need to take certain actions. People get married because they feel good together. And it is very important to keep this freshness of relations for a long time. But how to do this if everyone is already a mature personality and is used to living in accordance with their preferences?
During periodic meetings, of course, it was not necessary to deal with issues related to everyday life. But now, in order not to overshadow life with a showdown, quarrels, it is necessary to determine the rules of the family that are mandatory for implementation. Thus, 2 people, each of whom was brought up differently from the other, will be able to live peacefully and happily.
Partner respect
First of all, you need to treat your soulmate in the same way as you want to be treated. To do this, you need to see in a partner, first of all, a person. Do not impose on a wife who wants to study English language, excessive housework. In any case, a woman knows that she needs to take care of her man, improving his life in every possible way. But not every spouse has a great desire to constantly walk around the house with a rag.
Also, a man may try to force the chosen one to transform his appearance according to his understanding of the matter. Perhaps he is jealous, therefore he does not want his wife to wear short skirts. Or maybe the husband wants everyone to know how beautiful his chosen one is, so he is trying to make her take care of herself more, but in accordance with her taste preferences. In any case, the addictions of the second half must be treated with respect, you can not press.
Community of interest
Promising couples always have similar interests. Aspirations in any case must be different. Such couples always find common topics, in addition, they can tell their partner something new. Thus, spouses are quite interested in the Rules of the family, first of all, should include the point of accepting your soulmate as she is.
You should not try to “close” your wife within 4 walls, as many men may try to do. As a result, the interests of a woman will be reduced only to the family and home, and the husband will become bored of communicating with her. Also, the wife must understand that if she is not interested in something new for herself, then soon the number of topics for communication will be reduced to zero.
In order to be interesting together, you do not need to limit yourself to a routine. You should be together at various events (meetings, exhibitions, films, etc.). No need to step back and try to live your own life. Because as a result, this will lead to the collapse of the relationship.
Take an interest in your partner's life
Quite often it happens that wives are interested in what happened to their husbands at work. But the husband does not want to talk about this topic. He may have his reasons. Often it all comes down to the fact that at home he wants to relax and not think about work problems, distract from them, forget.
It is also not uncommon for a man to be interested in talking about his work all the time. And in his wife he sees a grateful listener. The wife, because she has to listen to a number of facts, for example, about any mechanisms, is not inspired to communicate.
That is, here it is necessary to find the golden mean. And again, it all comes down to understanding your partner. The rules of the family should first of all be aimed at seeing the person next to you as an individual. And depending on this, take any action.
Honesty is the key to a good relationship
A very big problem for couples is their inability to be honest in relationships. When two people communicate, there are always moments with which one of them disagrees. Do not turn a blind eye to this, accumulating resentment.
You need to make it a rule to always tell your partner about what you don’t like. Do not express dissatisfaction, swear or raise your tone. Communication should be done gently, calmly and with love. In any case, you need to remember that next to you is not a stranger, but a soulmate. The partner may have his own ideas, so he does not need to be judged. On the contrary, the rules of family life should be to stipulate all the difficulties that arise.
Segregation of duties
A long time ago, it so happened that a man should provide for his family, and a woman should do housework. Times are different now, and the responsibilities of the partners must correspond to the times.
Conditions modern life develop in people the desire to try to make good money. This is done in order to live with dignity. It happens that it is more difficult for a man to earn money. And if the wife works to improve the general, then you should not burden her with household chores. In this case, the duties should be divided equally between the spouses. This moment can always be replayed. The norms and rules of the family should predetermine that more housework is done by the one who is freer at the moment.
Avoid physical intimacy
Sadly, many couples begin to have less sex, feeling physically tired after a busy day at work. Men are more developed physically, so they endure stress more easily. But if a woman works all day, and in the evening she cleans and cooks, then at night she wants to rest. And this desire is quite reasonable and completely natural.
The code of family rules should indicate that such a problem should be solved and discussed together. Of course, in the absence of mutual understanding here, as a result, the family will be destroyed. Time for intimacy and love in any case must be found. But it should be done in such a way that both of these pastimes are a joy, and not as an additional burden.
mutual support
In any case, you need to give each other a friendly shoulder. After all, spouses are not only lovers, but also very good and kind friends. You should always try to support each other. To do this, you should say warm words to your partner and in no case skimp on them.
The family is the rear in the life of each of us. It is very important that after returning from somewhere it is always possible to return to a loving and understanding person who will always understand and support. You should not ignore your partner, on the contrary, you should try to understand and support him as much as possible.
Set of rules
They are also of great importance. There should be moral rules in the family, the list of which is familiar to each of its members. In order for children to grow up as decent and well-mannered people, they should also be subject to the laws adopted in the family. If certain conditions are not met, it is allowed to indicate a miss. But you need to do it tactfully and friendly.
The 5 family rules to be strictly followed might look like this:
- Help each other and support each other.
- Respect and love your parents.
- To tell the truth.
- Do not discuss others.
- To fulfill promises.
Care should be taken not to have too many rules. It is also important to avoid contradictions. If a list is long, its importance is lost. In addition, it is difficult to memorize and implement it. And if the set of rules includes items that the child must comply with, then even more so, a list that is difficult to understand should not be made.
In addition, the baby must clearly and clearly understand what should not be done. Rules should be presented as norms, the implementation of which must be strictly enforced. This should not be a constant prohibition coming from the parents.
Relationships built on friendship
Many will agree that, over time, married couples bear little resemblance to lovers. Relations between a man and a woman often come down to friendship, although very close. The set of selected rules can be absolutely anything. The fact is that each person chooses those norms that he considers necessary for himself. After all, no one forces friends to be honest and not deceive each other. They do so according to their inner aspirations.
Friends may implicitly believe that if certain rules are violated, their relationship will collapse. And it is very important to understand that any quarrel can lead to a deterioration in relationships. Therefore, when there is a misunderstanding, you need to put up with each other very quickly. This is the foundation of the family rules. Examples are that the relationship in a couple is more important than any cheating, misunderstandings with children, problems at work or material difficulties. All of the above should not become more than a relationship.
It's important to be beautiful
It is necessary to try to take care of yourself, and do it not for the holidays, but constantly. The well-groomed appearance of both partners is a guarantee that the relationship will exist for quite a long time. The moral rules adopted in the family must necessarily include the requirement to take care of oneself. Do not forget about yourself, because with a lot of daily problems, spouses can begin to completely ignore their appearance. This should not be done, because the interest of both partners in most cases is manifested by visual contact. And if one begins to perceive the other as furniture, then it is possible that the one who does not take care of himself is to blame here. Therefore, do not forget about stores with fashionable and beautiful clothes.
You also need to take care of the quality and beauty of your underwear. Moreover, a rich modern choice allows people of different ages and material wealth to look stylish and spectacular. It is also necessary to pay attention to cosmetics and perfumes.
A set of rules is mandatory in every family. But you don’t need to treat it as something boring and complicating life. The rules are set by the spouses themselves. And they must fully comply with their ideas about harmonious relations, be aimed at improving and strengthening them. Two loving people share how they see and what is important to them. In no case should you make it so that for someone one rule was something familiar from childhood, and the other partner had difficulty fulfilling them. The adoption of such norms must be fair and equitable.
We built a family without betrayal and lies; and it became interesting to us, is there a pattern, a pattern? Is it possible to collect our twenty-five years of experience into rules?
It turned out quite.
Question: Do you agree that love is friendship plus sex? We explain the idea: sex and friendship in love are present in different periods in different proportions, but they are always present. Often love begins with sex, more and more filled with friendship, sometimes it begins with friendship, suddenly exploding sex. After many years of living together, love is usually more like a friendship than a relationship of lovers. Moreover, in every friendship there is a sex component, friends necessarily feel physical affection for each other, hug with pleasure and eat from the same "cauldron".
Both handshakes and friendly brawls - this is physical affection, isn't it? Physical affection is the first step of sexual attraction. Yes, and a couple of lovers usually have some rudiments of friendship, some frank conversations. Agree: you can’t find love in its prime (love, not passion - it’s a drug addiction), where there is no friendship? Where there is no sexual attraction?
Watch carefully: there is a physical like and dislike for all people, regardless of age. Upon further reflection, it turns out that you have physical affection for those people for whom you also have spiritual affection. This applies to friendship, and the relationship of parents and children, and the relationship of brothers and sisters. With one you will eat from the same plate, with the other - for nothing.
Physical attraction is sexual attraction. It's just that in one case you allow yourself to call it that, in the other you don't allow it (because there are social taboos). Any romance can develop only if there is initial affection. Therefore, so often people decide at the first meeting, without even really talking: this is not my man! I will never have a relationship with him!
True mutual friendship always contains the following features:
- relationships are built on a free choice: they don’t make friends, they don’t oblige;
- friends are interested in each other;
- friends cheer each other up;
- friends do not lie to each other;
- Friends don't betray each other.
Agree: if there are these signs in the relationship of two people, then they are usually called friendship? These are the rules, laws, signs, features - call it whatever you like - of friendship. As it turned out, we used them in building our family. But we have a basic rule, which is rarely observed even by the most best friends; they are observed only by bosom friends who will substitute their throat (Adam's apple) for a friend, they will give their lives.
The rule goes like this: our relationship is the most important thing for us. This means that children, parents, friends, work, health, the call of talent - all this is not in the first place for either the wife or the husband. And our rule: we are always for each other - a man and a woman; we try to be nice to each other. Recall that love is friendship plus sexual attraction.
Seven rules of our family
- Our relationship is the most important thing for us.
- Our relationships are built on freedom; everyone does what he wants.
- We try to be interesting to each other.
- We do not spoil each other's mood even in trouble.
- We don't lie to each other.
- We do not betray each other.
- We are always for each other - a man and a woman; we try to be nice to each other.
These family rules are voluntary, each of us has prescribed them for himself. Indeed, this is exactly what happens in friendship: friends do not swear, do not agree, do not sign a contract or agreement that their relationship from tomorrow is friendship. Each of them calls himself a friend, and the relationship is friendship.
You should know that you don't owe anything - that's what friends say to each other. Friends imply that there are certain rules of friendship. Break them and the friendship will collapse. There we too - discussed our relationship, argued and quarreled - but everyone prescribed the rules for himself.
Moreover, these rules have recently adopted a clear form. We rarely mentioned them. The only thing we often reminded each other: you must know that you don't owe anything! And during quarrels, we reminded each other that our relationship suffers from a quarrel - and quickly reconciled. After all, our relationship is the most important thing!
Previously, we focused on the relationship of the bride and groom. This is also a good guideline, pattern, pattern, but the rules of friendship help in finding "their" person, that is, they are universal for all stages of love.
Rule One: Our Relationships Matter to Us
This is the main rule, priority. If it is accepted, then everything is solved simply with betrayals and lies. We quote our book, 1995.
“Yes, everyone wants to keep love, but they want something else more: a comfortable apartment, an interesting job, lovely little ones, high society and a high position in it. It is known that a person cannot experience two strong feelings at the same time; even one, strong, tires. ", the spouses change their priorities: he is usually passionate about work, career; she is busy with the child. That's it! They are no longer the bride and groom. They are not consumed by each other, not by their relationship, but by something else, vitally important. Women were inspired that they need a man who is passionate about work, I need a man who is passionate about me.
We always put our relationship first! And they ruthlessly threw away everything and everyone who interfered with our relations (does not apply to close people, they had to be brought up).
Question: That is, for the sake of solving the problems (illness) of the child or the illness (problems) of the parents, you will not put them in the first place? Will you put aside all problems and justify it with your love for your husband, that she is the most important thing?
Leonid: It's about priorities. I have a wife in the first place, but this does not mean that I drive everyone else away. 22 years ago we moved to the village because Svetlana's six-year-old son Ivan was very ill. I was the initiator, inspirer and organizer of this move. We solved the problem of the child, but this made our relationship only stronger.
Svetlana: When my mother was in oncology, and I had nervous overload, Leonid went to the hospital more often. For which I love him very much.
Question: What is the true beauty of a relationship for you?
Svetlana: Love - in its simplest sense - is the desire for the good of another. And here are my thoughts on the first rule. Let's say Leonid has to solve a problem with his mom. But that's my problem too! I want him to be well! Together we will solve this problem faster and more efficiently. If we have each other in the first place, then the problem of one becomes the problem of the other. So we have common problems.
Question: Maybe off topic. Why does love arise?
Svetlana: In addition to sexual attraction, falling in love occurs when you want to unravel a person. Leonid and I were in love based on a strong mutual sexual attraction. And, of course, I wanted to understand what kind of person you met; and suddenly - higher? At first it was difficult to talk to each other (oddly enough), our interests coincided, but our opinions differed greatly. And all the time there were unconscious checks on the qualities of a friend, on the qualities of a person of the highest grade (we can describe them in more detail). And now, when these checks are successfully passed, when a person has not disappointed, but fascinated you even more, love begins. If every day you remain an interesting, desirable and high-grade person, love and passion continue.
Question: You write that at first it was difficult for you to talk to each other. And how did you make this difficulty easy?
Leonid: It was difficult for Svetlana to talk, but it was easy for me; I did not notice any difficulties. In men after 25 years, values are fixed in their heads that they consider unconditionally correct. Those who doubt their values are not taken seriously by men. There are strong partitions in the man's head: yeah, this man is his own; but that one is fooled; and the third enemy; and the fourth seems to be smart, but misunderstood, naive. I placed Svetlana at the beginning in the fourth category. I explain why it is in the fourth.
Here is my life path by the age of 28: Moscow State University, then the army (lieutenant), then work in the Tyumen research institute with frequent expeditions to the North, Moscow graduate school, written dissertation on permafrost, written several stories. Here is her life path: a university in Sverdlovsk, then a year of work as a sociologist at a Tyumen plant, then marriage, the birth of a child, wrote several stories published in two magazines. Well, how could I treat her? Who knew more about life? Who was smarter in my head?
Our interests converged on literature, and then it gradually became clear: her taste differs from mine, because it is more demanding. It turned out that she was not just talented, but much more talented than many all-Union famous authors. I understood this, and quite quickly in my head Svetlana was in the first category. Also because for me the female mind has never seemed weaker than the male. Then everything is simple - I love to study, and real literature is taken from real life. And it turns out that if you learn from a talented writer, he teaches you not only to write, but also to live. And so, talking with Svetlana, I discovered that she knows some aspects of life better.
Second rule: everyone does what they want
Quoting our book, 1995:
“We have shared everything that is usually indisputably common in families and causes tireless scandals: each of us has our own money, our children, our parents and responsibilities towards them. Everyone serves himself and feeds himself (note, it looks like a relationship of friends and lovers), we treat each other and make gifts. We have children from our first marriages, but if we had our own, they would also be divided. Each of us is free to do whatever he wants, if he does not humiliate the other and does not interfere his happiness." (discussion on Nikolai Kozlov's forum forum.syntone.ru)
Question: And if one wants to go to the theater, and the other to gym? Where are you going to go?
Svetlana: When one wants to go to the theatre, he goes to the theatre. When another wants to go to the gym - he goes to the gym. What is the problem?
Leonid: Since we are in each other's main place, we do not just take into account each other's opinions, we try to please each other with our actions. Just like friendship does.
Question: But if the two of you wanted to go to the theater together (at the same time) and go to the hall together, then the family would be more organic and happier. Or not?
Leonid: Usually it happens: we don’t want to leave, and we go somewhere together. If one of us does something that the other doesn't like? Valid only common sense, arguments. Good point: it will be better for you. But the best: your actions make me feel bad. Here's an example: I went to running training in the dark. Svetlana said that in the dark the probability of injury is very high: he stumbled, slipped. But it didn't help. Then she said that she was restless when I went into the dark to train. And since then I've been running light.
Svetlana: Sometimes we are accused of having nothing in common except work. That we divided children, money... In fact, the separation of powers is just a technology of life without quarrels. It was convenient to divide the money when everyone had their own small children. Cooking and washing is also more convenient for everyone separately - because we have the same working conditions: both at home. Well, it's boring for me to spend the whole day in the kitchen when Leonid is in the garden. I want to go to the garden too! Now we have everything in common, because the children have grown up, we no longer give them money. And they themselves have a complete mutual understanding about how to spend our money. There are few of them, and we spend only on food. But when there is more money, I will again offer to divide them. Some part will be common, and the rest of the money - everyone has their own. I don't understand what's wrong?
Everyone enjoys being clean. cozy home where there is no dust or dirt. But when several people live in the same space, including adorable fidget children, maintaining the usual order (not to mention the ideal one) is almost unrealistic.
Nevertheless, the editors of the site are unequivocally against the “piggy sty” and suggest remembering 9 golden rules, strictly adhering to which, you will not only achieve order in your home, but at the same time discipline your household.
FIRST AND BASIC a rule that all households without exception should learn: “It’s not clean where they clean it, but where they don’t litter.” Accordingly, we methodically accustom each of the family members to this idea, clearly demonstrating how a small local garbage in a few hours turns into an avalanche that can cover everyone with their heads.
SECOND RULE - make the bed in the morning. Nothing makes an apartment look cluttered like a rookery. Especially, we emphasize, if there are several of them in the house.
THE THIRD RULE - Do not leave dirty dishes in the sink. Never! Especially in the evening. Otherwise, in the morning, instead of 20 minutes of silence in the company of fragrant coffee, you will have to quickly put things in order, with every second feeling how the positive mood disappears into all the windows in the house.
FOURTH RULE - wash and iron according to schedule. Washing and ironing are two "pillars" that keep order in the house. If there is a total overload in the pile with ironing and in the basket with dirty laundry, nothing good will definitely happen.It is clear that it is impossible to devote every day to these activities, therefore, we draw up a schedule for combining the useful with the pleasant - we iron on the day when your favorite several-hour show is on TV, and we wash it on strictly set days twice a week.
FIFTH RULE - without hesitation, get rid of the unnecessary! In every home, there are sure to be things that survive from cleaning to cleaning. Moreover, in addition to such vitality, they have another unique property - as if attracting other, the same, unnecessary things, they seem to multiply each time, and as a result of the fact that "the hand does not rise" it turns out to be thrown away more than the living space for the inhabitants .
Once and for all, the rule of "three boxes" will help get rid of this scourge. During cleaning, we put three boxes in one corner, on which we write: “Leave”, “Throw away”, “Give away”. During the cleaning, we take down all the things there (not much thinking about the process), sorting them in parallel. After completion, the contents of the “Discard” box are immediately taken to the trash container, the box with the inscription “Give away” is transported to the garage or storage room, and the contents of the third box are laid out in their places. Voila!
SIXTH RULE - everything has its place! The more baskets, boxes and boxes for storing various things in your house, the cleaner it will be in the apartment. But at the same time, we always remember: we do not store too much! Read the rule of three boxes.
SEVENTH RULE - clothes are always in the closet! It is clear that the last thing you want to do after a hard day is to put your clothes in their places. The temptation to leave everything like in the movies - every piece of clothing is dropped according to the step from the door to the bed - is very strong. But don't give in! For nothing in the world grows as fast as mountains of unwashed dishes and clothes scattered around the apartment. Always remember this.
EIGHTH RULE - We clean the kitchen while cooking. Maintaining order in the kitchen is actually not as difficult as it seems. For example, if in the process of cooking, sauce “jumped” out of the pan onto the surface of the stove, it is much easier and faster to take a rag and eliminate the blot immediately than to wait until a lot of them accumulate, and you will give them at least an hour of your precious time.
THE NINTH RULE- break it down into squares. In other words, it is not necessary to regularly kill yourself by emergency method during general cleaning. Make a schedule. For example, on Monday we clean the bathroom, on Tuesday we put things in order in the nursery, on Wednesday we clean the bedroom, we allocate Thursday for the kitchen.We do the same with activities: Monday - we lay out things, Tuesday - we wipe the dust, Wednesday - we wash things, etc. In this case, order in the house will be ensured, and on average you will spend no more than half an hour on putting it in order.
Whether you thought about it or not, your family already lives by certain rules. Is it possible to scatter things, or do they have to be put away in strictly defined places? Can family members raise their voices at each other in an argument, or is yelling in your house something unacceptable? Who in the family sets the table, washes the dishes, wipes the dust?
These and other implicit arrangements make your family's life what it is at the moment. However, until these rules are spoken aloud, they can cause tension and quarrels. Unvoiced rules turn into claims of parents to children. In children, on the other hand, reproach for behavior that was not previously designated as unacceptable, and a sense of injustice.
Why is it important to articulate family rules?
Formulating rules is an opportunity for all family members, including children, to learn to set boundaries without hurting the feelings of others. And also learn how to inform loved ones about your needs, thereby taking care of yourself and the family climate.
Family rules let you know better ways take care of each other. Often, in response to the question “what other rules should we add,” not even rules come up, but appeals - about what is missing from one of the family members or about what causes him anxiety. For example, children may suggest rules such as "be lenient with mistakes" or "praise even small successes." This is a signal to parents that the child is not enough. Imagine such a domestic situation: it is normal for a mother to wash the dishes in ten minutes, but the child does this procedure in half an hour. For a mother, such “slowness” can cause irritation: “he grows up as a lazy person or deliberately does everything slowly to piss me off!”.
The result of these, at first glance, completely insignificant domestic troubles can be the accumulating tension between households, which later results in conflicts and scandals, and sometimes even. Although it may be that you have not previously discussed with the children such simple things as the acceptable appearance of a clean cup, as well as the amount of time for each family member required for this work. Then it's time to start.
How to talk in the family about the rules?
A discussion of family rules can easily turn into a fight. Especially in cases where family members have claims against each other. Therefore, when discussing the rules, it is important to try to speak to each other in the language of the so-called "I-messages".
Your goal is to communicate your needs and feelings, not to blame the other. Try not to use language like "You're always throwing your stuff around." Instead, talk about yourself. To introduce a new rule, you can use the following wording: “When things are scattered around, I get upset. Therefore, I propose to establish the following rule.
If the tension in the family is high enough, consider a list of rules that you would like to discuss in advance. Practice phrasing them in I-messages to make sure they don't sound like accusations, otherwise discussing the rules won't do any good and will only exacerbate conflicts.
How can the whole family make a list of rules?
Choose a time when all family members can get together and discuss the list of rules.
It’s good if it’s Friday night or any other moment when things are already over, but you are still concentrated and have not switched to rest mode.
Invite all family members to write down the rules they think are currently in effect in the family. They may concern the most different areas family life, for example:
- distribution of household duties;
- communication between family members;
- discussion of the daily routine;
- use of electronic gadgets.
When the lists are ready, discuss them. Pay attention to the rules that were included in the list of only one family member. Maybe the rest simply did not pay attention to the fact that this rule implicitly existed?
Agree which of the listed rules you consider useful for your family and want to include in the general list, as well as which ones you need to introduce additionally. It is not necessary to regulate all spheres of life to the smallest detail. It is enough to agree on the most painful and what seems really important to you. A set of 10-20 rules will be enough to start with.
Your final list must include the rules proposed by the children. This will allow them to feel involved in the creation of a set of rules and will help them to be more responsible for their implementation. Ideally, if the list contains an equal number of rules from each of the family members. Otherwise, it may turn out that the voice of one of the household members was never heard.
Well, if the established rules apply to all household members. Agree, it is strange to expect a love of reading from a child if at home no one except him holds a book in his hands. Likewise, if the parents limit the child to computer games, but at the same time, dad plays for hours in front of him, he will experience such a rule as an unfair, one-sided requirement.
How to follow family rules for all family members?
Of course, it is difficult to live strictly following all the agreed rules. But if you still want these rules to be followed, introduce them into family life in stages. First agree to follow three to five ground rules; then, after a few months, if they are successful, add a few more.
Discuss the consequences of not following the rules. This is not about punishment. More like the law of cause and effect. At work, if you don't turn in a project on time, you don't get a bonus. In the same way, there must be consequences for disregarding family rules.
Beautifully design a set of rules and hang them in a conspicuous place. The very process of its design can turn into an exciting creative action that unites the family.
In any case, taking the time to talk about family rules is a great investment in family well-being. It may not even be the rules themselves that will benefit you more, but the fact that you learn about each other in the process of compiling them. The very fact that some things were said out loud will relieve tension between family members and improve the family climate.
How do you behave in conflicts with a child?
Anna Kolchugina
- Tablets Goldline as an effective means for weight loss: how to take and how harmful?
- Butyratomania: the effect on the body of butyrate, the consequences of use and treatment of addiction
- Vitamins Alphabet Diabetes: instructions, analogues, price Vitamins alphabet diabetes composition
- What is ALT during pregnancy