The mother is raising her son alone. How to raise sons? How to raise a son to be a real man? Raising a child in an incomplete family - What a single mother should know
Mothers who raised children without a husband proudly declare: “I did it!”.
But is it really so? Are there mistakes in education and do those who grew up without a father suffer?
After a divorce, life turns upside down, especially if there is a child in the family. "What awaits me?" - a topical issue after a breakup. What difficulties await a single mother?
- Mom is missing
Raising a child alone is not as easy as it seems. In addition to him, there is work, and household duties and personal life. Even if the mother does not devote herself entirely to one of the areas of her life, the child will still lack attention, care and affection.
- Problems with self-esteem
Single mothers live among those who are happily married and actively demonstrate this. Here she is flipping through the news in social network- a photo of a friend next to her husband. Here she is coming home from work, and in the park someone had a family picnic. Even classmates have already climbed the career ladder and got married. And she is completely alone, and her personal life is not glued yet.
If you constantly compare yourself with others, then close to complexes. But it is important to remember: a child needs a happy mother.
- Inferiority complex in a child
A child who lacks care and communication thinks that he is to blame for the divorce of his parents, that no one needs him, and no one loves him.
Often such children grow up with an inferiority complex. Remind your child that he is important and needed, that mom and dad love him equally.
- No patterns of behavior
Boys in incomplete families do not have a role model, and in the future they experience difficulties in communicating with girls, they cannot find their role in the family. Girls, on the other hand, can grow up without a sense of self-worth. Not knowing what it should look like loving man, they make mistakes in choosing a life partner.
- No leader in the family
Problems of children brought up without paternal attention
In a complete family, a father is an example of determination. It is the fathers who, in the minds of the children, are the authorities and "can do anything." For every child, dad is a superhero. In a family in which a woman brings up a child alone, this superhero spirit is absent and children can grow up without initiative.
- A distorted view of the family
A child who was brought up without a dad does not know what a family should look like. Such children grow up with a distorted idea of "family = me + mom."
Imagine you are divorced. Surely feelings of resentment, anger, anger and disappointment have settled deep inside you. There are a lot of hectic thoughts in the head and it is easy to choose the wrong course of action.
- My darling
A common occurrence in modern world- to live for the sake of the child. Most often, women offended by a man and fate come to this outcome. Girlfriends? There is no female friendship. Men? Traitors and goats. Career? Not the most important thing in life. Self-development? Why develop yourself if my the main task- to develop your child.
Women who live in their own closed world, as a rule, have a lot of problems and grievances. It is not difficult to guess who is being bombarded with negativity. The child, next to the unhappy mother, considers himself to blame for all her ailments: “Who is the mother to be angry with if she spends time only with me?”.
- One whole
"We slept", "we ate", "we learned to read" - a solid "we". This pronoun is abused by single mothers who have completely merged with the child. Few of them understand that the child is a person and there can be no “we”. Women who make the mistake of merging seem to take away from the child a sweet piece of the pie of his achievements. You need to understand that it was HE who slept, HE ate, and HE learned to read. He's a good guy, but mom has nothing to do with it.
Mothers with this line of behavior often determine the child's social circle and decide what he should like and what not.
The children of such women grow up with low self-esteem and an inferiority complex, because they constantly had to share their victories and achievements with their mother.
Also, they are afraid of public condemnation and often do not have their own opinion on various issues of life, because everything was always decided by their mother.
- Overprotection
A serious mistake of mothers who feel guilty for divorcing their husband. Such women are sure that a break in relations could have been avoided, and now it’s the end: the child will suffer all his life. The only way they see the satisfaction of any whims of their child. Very quickly, the baby understands that everything can be demanded from the mother, and any act will go unpunished. In the future, we will see such children as selfish, demanding, non-conforming people.
- dad bad
Forbidden to communicate with the father
The most common and fatal mistake of single mothers is the ban on communication between father and child. Such women, for the most part, merge with their child, as described above. They do not realize that the man left them as a woman, and not his child.
Single mothers with such a problem do not forget to regularly remind their children that dad is bad and evil. It is even worse when the problems of relationships with the father are shifted to the child: “Dad cheated on us”, “Dad left us”, “Dad doesn’t want to communicate with us”. Sometimes it goes to extremes, when dad has already cheated on a particular child, and he also left "because of you." In addition, among this category of single mothers, it is popular to impose on the child the feelings of the father: “Dad does not love us”, “Dad forgot about us”, “Dad thinks we are bad”.
Children raised by such mothers not only do not receive communication with their father, but also: boys can grow up with the attitude “all men are bad, which means I am bad too.” And the girls, being already women, either believe that men are an extra “attribute” in the house, or even hate the entire male sex.
In adult life, such children face problems in building a family: boys do not know what their role is in their own family, how a woman and a man should communicate with each other, and girls copy their mother's behavior model.
Well, difficulties and mistakes are understandable. But main question How to raise a child as a single mother? What needs to be done so that the child grows up a happy and worthy person?
- Become an authority on your child
Mom is a weakling - not the best example to follow. Be purposeful, develop, achieve success. A child who sees your victories is imbued with respect for such a mother and in the future copies the behavior model of a successful person.
- be an optimist
Look at the world upside down. Or maybe the divorce was for the best? Maybe now you will find your happiness? Do not show your child how unhappy you are and do not shed tears. A happy mother is a happy child.
- Do not insult the father in front of the child
The child must know that both parents love him, that he is important and necessary to them. Remember: once you fell in love with the person for whom you went down the aisle, and your child is completely a part of him. Respect yourself, your ex-spouse, and your relationship.
Describe to your child what a good dad is and what positive traits he has. Children, even if they don’t see their father, but think well of him, they will try to acquire the qualities you describe, even if in reality he doesn’t have them.
- Don't feel sorry for the child
The fact that a child is deprived of a complete family does not mean that he is deeply unhappy. Support him, spend time together, communicate, but do not blame yourself and give in to all the whims of the child.
- Build a personal life
Divorce is not the end of life. Don't be afraid to build new relationships. Many are afraid that the child will not accept the stepfather.
The main thing: to correctly explain to the baby that this is not a new dad, but a person who supports and loves you. Thus, you will ensure the life of a child in a complete family and avoid distortion of family values.
Remember that being a single mother is not a death sentence. It is possible to raise a worthy person, you just need to think positively and move forward.
Video from the program "Everything will be kind" about the most common mistakes of single mothers:
The article was prepared with the assistance
business literature agency "IP Air Media"
BENEFITS FOR SINGLE PARENTS
WORKER - SINGLE PARENT
In any employment relationship there are always two parties - the employee and the employer. Often, representatives of socially unprotected strata of the population, such as young people, unskilled and low-skilled workers, women with young children, etc., come forward on the side of the worker. Among these workers, often in conditions modern life there are single parents, namely single mothers, single fathers and other persons raising children without a mother.
In this article, we will consider in more detail such concepts as “single mother”, “fathers raising children without a mother”, “single mother”, etc.; we will tell employers how to distinguish between these concepts, what benefits are provided for these employees in labor and other legislation, and how to regulate their work.
In the list of benefits by definition of a child in kindergarten There is a phrase "single working parent". The definition of a single parent is contained in the Tax Code of the Russian Federation, namely subpara. 4 p. 1 art. 218 states that widows (widowers), single parents, guardians or trustees, foster parents tax deduction produced in double size. Under single parents for the purposes of this chapter one of the parents who is not in a registered marriage is understood. Therefore, the concept of "single parent" refers to both a parent who has never been legally married and a divorced parent. But key point here is the phrase "for the purposes of this chapter". If this definition applied to all laws Russian Federation in general, then the mass of articles of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation on the provision of benefits to single mothers would apply to all divorced women.
The wording “single parent” itself means that the name and surname of the second parent does not appear in any documents, i.e. in the birth certificate of the child in the column "father (mother)" there may be a dash, or the name of the father may be entered arbitrarily, at the request of the mother.
When registering the birth of a child, a medical document on the birth of the child, passports of both parents is provided. If the parents of the child are legally married, a certificate of registration of their marriage is also provided.
By Russian laws a single mother writes down a child born or adopted by her in her last name, and the name and patronymic of the child is already indicated at will .; the father of the child in this case does not have any rights and obligations, incl. does not pay alimony, and the child's mother receives state social support and protection. That is, there is no record of the father in the birth certificate of the child, or the record of the father of the child was made in the prescribed manner at the direction of the mother. In this case, the registry office issues a certificate, which serves as the basis for making an entry about the father of the child and which is a document necessary for the provision of benefits related to single motherhood.
If the father disappeared in an unknown direction, but he is listed in the birth certificate of the child (based on his statement of paternity or marriage certificate), then the woman is no longer a single mother! That is, neither divorced women nor widows, who are often called single mothers in everyday conversations, are actually such. single mother- this is a woman, alone, without a husband, raising her child. But what is the relationship between the concepts of "single mother" and "single mother"? Based on the above text, a single mother is a woman who has given birth or adopted a child without a father, i.e. she is neither a widow nor a divorcee.
No modern dictionary or encyclopedia gives detailed interpretation concept of "single mother", and even more so "family of a single mother". Moreover, the term "single mother" is used in state regulations in a sense that is very far from ordinary perception. For the first time, the legal term "single mother" (in the narrow sense) appeared in the Decree of the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet of the USSR of July 8, 1944 "On increasing state assistance to pregnant women, mothers of many children and single mothers, strengthening the protection of motherhood and childhood, on establishing the honorary title "Mother Heroine" and the establishment of the Order "Maternal Glory" and the medal "Medal of Motherhood". From this document it followed that a single mother is a woman who is not legally married and has so-called illegitimate children. This refers to a broader category of mothers raising children in families without a father, incl. and divorced women and widows.
As a rule, the concept of "single mother" is identified with single motherhood, and families of single mothers of different marital status are called incomplete or maternal families. Thus, the very common term “single-parent family” means the family of a parent who, due to various reasons, alone brings up and is responsible for the child (children) living on his behalf.
That is single mother- this is a mother whose children initially have a father, he is recorded in their birth certificates, but she is forced to raise children alone (due to divorce, death or death of her husband, etc.). That is, widows and divorced women fall into the category of “single mother”, but no longer fall into the category of “single mother”.
There is also the concept of "incomplete family". Incomplete family- this is a family in which the only parent has the status of a single mother or one of the parents has died, has been declared missing by the court, is deprived of parental rights (limited in parental rights) or is serving a sentence in places of deprivation of liberty, and also in which the parents (one of parents) evade (avoids) the payment of alimony, and the court decision on the recovery of alimony is not executed.
At present, the number of incomplete families is also replenished by families of spouses actually living apart, as well as through the practice of adopting a child by a single woman, as well as the establishment of guardianship or guardianship in case of orphanhood.
In scientific foreign literature Along with the terms “single mother” and “families of single mothers”, the general concept of “families headed by women” is also used with clarification of their marital status. IN last years the concepts of "single parent" and "family of one parent" began to be used.
In cases where in the constituent entities of the Russian Federation, at specific institutions, enterprises, any additional social benefits are provided for single mothers (for example, a reduction in payment for the maintenance of a child in a preschool institution), a broader concept of “single mother” can be applied. Sometimes in such cases, widowed and divorced mothers are considered single mothers. Each employer has the right to decide for himself, based on the financial, material and other capabilities of his organization (enterprises, firms, etc.), which women to classify as single mothers and what benefits to provide them.
It is often said that a single parent is a single mother or single mother. But it's not. Persons raising children without a mother also include:
¡ fathers raising children without a mother;
¡ men raising their adopted children without a mother;
¡ guardians and caregivers raising children without a mother;
¡ stepfathers raising children without a mother;
¡ Adoptive fathers raising children without a mother.
IN Labor Code The Russian Federation does not list the conditions under which a man is recognized as a single father. In practice, a single father is considered a man who has a child (children), whose mother died, disappeared, was deprived of parental rights, stays in a medical institution for a long time, left children to his father during a divorce, is in prison. If your worker claims to be a single father, ask them to bring papers showing they are raising children without a mother. This may be a court decision declaring the wife missing or deceased, a court decision on divorce, a death certificate of the wife at the same time as providing a certificate from the housing and communal authority (HOA, housing department, etc.) on the cohabitation of children with the father.
The father of a child is the person who is listed as the father on the child's birth certificate. A stepfather is a person who is married in accordance with the established procedure with the mother of the child. The guardian of a child under the age of fourteen and the guardian of a child between the ages of fourteen and eighteen is a person in respect of whom there is a decision of the head of the local administration to appoint him as a guardian (curator) and who has been issued a certificate of guardianship (certificate of the guardian).
A foster family is formed on the basis of an agreement between the guardianship and guardianship authorities and foster parents (spouses or individual citizens who wish to take children to be raised in a family) on the transfer to foster. Foster parents in relation to the adopted child have the rights and duties of a guardian (custodian). Foster parents have an appropriate certificate, which indicates the age (year of birth) of each adopted child (Article 151 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation).
The above-mentioned parents in relation to the child (children) adopted for upbringing have the rights and obligations of guardians (custodians).
Raising a child without a mother or father in this case should be understood as the absence of a second parent for any reason: death, death, deprivation of parental rights, restriction of parental rights, dissolution of a legal marriage, separation, refusal to participate in raising a child, prolonged illness, business trip etc. The absence of the second parent must be confirmed by relevant documents. We have already written about them before: a death certificate, a court decision, a certificate of family composition, etc.
A divorced parent can also be counted among single parents, if the court recognizes that the other parent (spouse) is considered missing. If both parents are not in a registered marriage, then they are recognized as single parents. Here we must think that if the parents live simply in a civil marriage (a stable family community) and run a joint household, etc., and they also have a common child, then they will be recognized as single parents in relation to this child, because . there is no officially registered marriage between them.
Unfortunately, there is no law yet that would clearly spell out these definitions.
BENEFITS FOR SINGLE PARENTS PROVIDED BY LABOR LEGISLATION
Recruitment. The state policy in the field of promoting employment of the population is aimed at ensuring the social protection of single parents and large families raising minor children, children with disabilities, etc. The situation with the employment of certain groups of the population (for example, youth or women) is extremely difficult. Preserves selective release approach work force and employment, depending on gender, the presence of children, other dependents and other characteristics. The practice of personnel selection demonstrates to us at the present time the widespread discriminatory approach to filling certain vacancies precisely on such grounds as the presence of children, marital status, etc.
Let us recall, for example, the Law of the Russian Federation of April 19, 1991 No. 1032-1 “On Employment in the Russian Federation”, which says that it is single and large parents raising minor children who are in particular need of protection when looking for work and disabled children, etc. For these categories of citizens, the state provides various guarantees in the implementation of programs to promote employment of the population, create additional jobs, etc.
So why shouldn't employers give preference to people with family responsibilities when recruiting, if they also have all the necessary qualifications and other requirements compared to other job applicants? A worker with young children is not always a bad worker. After all, a woman or a man, recognized as single parents, will be more responsible for the work, will perform it efficiently and on time, will value their workplace, etc., because they have a small child dependent on them.
Employment is carried out by the employer in agreement with the woman by concluding employment contract. Legislation establishes a certain procedure and legal guarantees for the employment of pregnant women and women with minor children. It is forbidden to refuse to conclude an employment contract for women for reasons related to pregnancy or the presence of children. Article 64 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation prohibits unreasonable refusal to conclude an employment contract, does not allow direct or indirect restriction of rights or the establishment of benefits depending on gender and other signs that are not related to the business qualities of the employee. However, differences, exclusions, preferences and restrictions in hiring, which are determined by the requirements inherent in the type of work or are due to special state protection for persons in need of increased social and legal protection, are not discrimination against persons with family responsibilities.
In case of refusal to hire, the employer is obliged to report the reason for the refusal in writing at the request of the applicant. A direct prohibition to link the refusal to conclude an employment contract with the presence of children almost never “worked” in the interests of single parents, whether they were single mothers, single fathers, etc. As a rule, employers do not indicate these motives, using other plausible pretexts for refusing employment.
Overtime work, work on weekends and non-working holidays. In accordance with Art. 99 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation, overtime is work performed by an employee at the initiative of the employer outside the established working hours, daily work (shift), as well as work in excess of the normal number of working hours for the accounting period. Involving fathers raising children under the age of five years without a mother ( in other cases of lack of maternal care for children), mothers raising a child under five years of age without a spouse, as well as guardians (custodians) of minors, are allowed to work overtime with their written consent and provided that such work is not prohibited to them for health reasons in accordance with with a medical opinion. At the same time, they must be familiarized in writing with their right to refuse such work (Article 259 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation).
This measure to some extent reduces the level of guarantees of the labor rights of single parents, because issues of attraction, for example, to overtime work require prompt decision-making from the employer. It turns out that this category of workers is practically deprived of the opportunity to support their written consent to these works with a medical report, since they simply do not have time to undergo the necessary medical examination. And thus, all the above issues will be resolved without taking into account the health status of women and men.
If the employer is aware of any medical contraindications for this employee, then engaging him in overtime and other similar work is categorically unacceptable. Of course, such information, namely medical certificate, conclusion, etc. the employer can only receive from the employee himself - a single parent already at his request.
Night time. It is known that constant work at night (from 22.00 to 6.00) adversely affects the human body, increases the turnover of female personnel, and leads to complications in family life. That is why the restriction of the night work of single parents has found its consolidation in the legislation. When deciding on the issue of exemption from night work, it must be taken into account that the named categories of parents cannot be involved in work at night and in cases where only part of the working time falls at night, for example, in evening shifts ending later than 22.00. The refusal of a person with family responsibilities to work at night is not considered a violation of labor discipline.
Mothers and fathers raising children under the age of five without a spouse (wife), as well as guardians of children of this age, may be involved in night work only with their written consent and provided that such work is not prohibited to them for health reasons in accordance with with a medical opinion. At the same time, these employees must be familiarized in writing with their right to refuse to work at night (Article 96 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation).
The Labor Code of the Russian Federation for the first time pointed to the written consent of an employee - a single parent to involve him in night, overtime and other similar work. Such a requirement has forever refuted the opinion about the possibility for an employee to express his consent to certain types of work orally or through implicit actions (for example, silence).
This imperative prohibition is not allowed not only at the initiative of employers, but also at the request of the woman herself or another person with family responsibilities (single parent).
The establishment by labor legislation of additional guarantees in the field of work for single parents is aimed at creating equal opportunities with persons not burdened with such duties as raising children, etc., in the exercise of their right to work, as well as providing them with working conditions that allow them to harmoniously combine professional and family responsibilities.
Part-time work. Part-time work is introduced in the interests of those persons who, for whatever reason, cannot be employed full-time.
Part-time work (part-time work or part-time work week) can be established by agreement between the employer and a single parent with a child (children), already at the time of hiring him, if, due to the need to care for children, he cannot work full time . An entry in the work book on employment is made without an indication of work on a part-time basis.
Part-time work can be established by agreement of the parties both for an unlimited period of time, and for any period convenient for the employee: until the child reaches a certain age, for a period school year etc. The order (instruction) on hiring a single parent for part-time work indicates the period of work, the length of working time and its schedule during the working day or week, etc.
Maybe I'm so lucky, or maybe it's just an illustration general trend- but men who grew up without a father have been in the circle of my closest ones since childhood (I lost my father and my own beloved dad at the age of ten) - and what makes them bitter, uncomfortable and anxious, could not but hurt me too.
Therefore, there will be more here, rather, about what would be better not to do in the process of raising a mother's son. And how to make it good - who would know for sure ... But I will still give some recommendations to single mothers in raising sons.
A father cannot properly raise his son
One of the most probably important points(obvious, but it didn’t come to my mind right away): a man without a father is not necessarily a child whose father, for one reason or another, has not been present since childhood.
What is important is not that the father is physically nearby, and not even how much time he devotes directly to raising his son, but a feeling of sincere connection, trust, a feeling of unconditional love and support. And from both parents.
What is important is the very opportunity to come for advice or just do something together - and not be criticized for every “wrong” little thing or “at the wrong time” perfect movement and open mouth.
I once had a chance to know a man very closely, whose parents - each in their own way - went out of their way so as not to deprive their children of a single detail of the “correct” upbringing: an athlete dad from the age of six, at any time of the year and in any weather, raised his sons in five in the morning with the indisputable "Rise!" and dragged to the Magadan hills with skis, then with voluminous baskets for berries, or put on oars and forced to row to physical exhaustion.For weakness or fatigue, and even more so for an attempt to cheat a little somewhere, a punishment with a belt was supposed, which was by no means formal. He himself, this dad, knew how to do with his own hands everything that life in a harsh climate demanded, and sincerely wanted to raise his sons to be the same real men. He did not take into account one thing - he did not know how to TALK with them.
How not to raise boys
The father was always somewhere nearby, but it still seems to them that he was not there. In parallel with this, my mother, a urologist, always had a clear, indestructible idea of “how to” and “how not to” for any occasion.
Treat your adult son with respect!
Naturally, a mother who wants to raise her child socially adapted, and her son a real man, after coming of age, should treat him with great respect, and also better years from 14 or even from 6 as they do in Eastern countries.
More than once I witnessed how to her already thirty-year-old and married offspring she shamelessly uttered something like: “Here you went to bed again yesterday at three o'clock! That's how you knock yourself all the biorhythms and hormonal background“And you know how many prostate cancer patients like you!” Need comments?Since childhood, both sons rushed between their parents' “must not” and “should” and, without realizing it themselves, tried to please them at the same time, so different, and finally do something, after which they would be accepted as they are, they would no longer demand anything and allow enjoy life, and not expect a dirty trick from it.
They were not allowed. Most often, they either run away from such parents, cutting off all possible ties, or so all their lives and try to subconsciously achieve simple unconditional love, and not receiving it, they themselves do not really know how to love. And in their own families - all according to the same scenario ...
The most common mistakes mothers make when raising their sons
But what often happens where a mother really raises her son alone: from her own son, she grows for herself a replacement for her husband who did not stay close, with whom she may also harbor a grudge.
That is, a son who has already grown up is simply obliged to be a breadwinner for his mother, a plumber electrician and a builder at her first call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If not more often.
Therefore, the first mistake when raising a son by a single mother, of course, is that the father, whatever he may be in front of the boy, must be respected and not said bad things to him, otherwise it will negatively affect his upbringing, and also not to raise him as his servant, this is terrible selfishness and will further reflect on the masculinity of the son.
No, of course, she really wants him to get a good education and find a money job, get married and have his own children (so that everything is like everyone else, so that no one, God forbid, would think that their family is flawed!), but if she herself needed to go shopping to the hypermarket today, then her son’s personal affairs, of course, will wait, because the family comes first, and he will gladly take her in a car that she helped him buy a few years ago.
Do not bring up pity and guilt in your child
And, in fact, where else would he go if from childhood he saw that his mother lives exclusively for him? Deep-seated inexplicable guilt will not allow you to refuse.
And he is to blame, as it always seems to him subconsciously, apparently in the very fact of his birth: he shouldn’t have strained his mother like that, and now all that remains is to atone for his guilt all his life ...
And he himself will not understand whether he still loves his mother (although he will break anyone’s nose for her, and with best friend she will quarrel to smithereens if he gives a bad hint about her - at least at ten years old, at least at forty) or dreams of being with her on different ends of the continent. Because he seems to be the master of the house (which is emphasized whenever it comes to duties), but also “not quite ready for this” and is deprived of this opportunity whenever it comes to rights.He would be glad if she switched all her attention and longing to another man, finally removing from him, her son, this parallel, alien to him and physiologically incorrect role of a male partner in the household with her own mother - but only she she won’t let her in, won’t allow her to change the established order in her house, deprive her of such bittersweet unlimited powers of the head of the family ...
How should a mother raise a child?
We can talk about this for a long time, and there are many examples of specific erroneous upbringing of their sons by mothers, especially in the post-war period - and even more, perhaps, bitter ones - if you just look around a little, each of us will see a lot. Just looking at them, you understand that the presence or absence of a father does not converge like a wedge, especially if he was also brought up at one time without his father.
The main thing for a mother when raising her child, and even more so her son, with or without a father, is not to forget that a child is a living person with his soul, his character and temperament, his desires, which are not always similar to ours, and it is useless look for the reasons for this in yourself.
Remember, K. Antarova in the book "Two Lives": “Children are souls given to us for safekeeping.”
Always educating our children, we do not build a new person according to our plan. We just help him survive and believe in himself while he is still helpless.
And then they have to let go. That he WANTED to come back more often. And at any age, first of all, it is always very important for him to feel that he is loved not for something, not with some conditions, but in any case, no matter what he does and no matter how extravagant and illogical his choice may seem to us. . It seems to be simple. Although - incredibly difficult, in fact.
Well, on this I say goodbye to you, visit our learning and self-development portal more often, and soon we will prepare a separate article with specific recommendations on how mothers should raise boys correctly, and how their upbringing differs. And also find out k , and .
Raising a child in an incomplete family... This phrase in modern society has a negative connotation, it somehow initially contains the meaning of inferiority, limitation. A priori, it is believed that raising a child without a father (or without a mother) means that he will not receive something very important - affection, material support, or a personal example of an absent parent.
There is an opinion that children brought up in an incomplete family, growing up, experience difficulties in creating and maintaining their own families, and also with difficulty go through the process of socialization in society. However, is it only the absence of a second parent that negatively affects the upbringing of a child in an incomplete family? Or are there other reasons for his failures in life?
Yuri Burlana helps answer this question.
Raising a child in an incomplete family
“Something you, daughter, have begun to recover ...,” Mom asked suspiciously, looking at the rounded figure of her unmarried daughter. Are you by any chance pregnant?
The girl flushed like a poppy, then turned pale, jumped up and ran into another room.
Mom was confused - she did not expect that her phrase, said to her plump daughter as a joke, would have such an effect. Anxiety squeezed the mother's heart with an icy prickly paw ...
After 4.5 months, the mother became a grandmother, and her daughter became a single mother. And they faced the problem in full growth - how to raise a child without a father who wished to remain a faceless dash in the birth certificate.
A single mother has a huge number of questions regarding the upbringing of children. How to properly raise a child in such conditions? What should you pay attention to? How can a child compensate for the lack of an absent parent?
I’ll make a reservation right away - it is possible to provide a child with a happy childhood and conditions for full development, regardless of whether he is brought up in a complete or incomplete family. To do this, you just need to take into account its innate properties.
And figure out your...
Raising a child without a father - why a man "disappears"
Theoretically, the circumstances that forced a man to leave a woman alone with a child can be very different. But by and large, our life scenario directly depends on our set of vectors, the level of their development and implementation. Attitude towards children, towards their upbringing also depends on the vector set of parents.
As a rule, men who do not want to bind themselves with "extra" obligations that inevitably arise at the birth of a child are the owners of the skin vector. The properties of the skin vector include the desire for novelty (including in terms of sexual relations), the desire to save money and gain benefits. In addition, people with a skin vector are characterized by flexibility of thinking and the ability to quickly adapt to a changing situation.
The innate desire to save money sometimes pushes men with undeveloped properties of the skin vector into actions that public morality condemns. For example, abandoning a pregnant woman.
They can leave their children in the care of a woman without any problems, completely forgetting about their parental obligations. These same men “pay off” with alimony, absolutely not claiming to participate in the educational process.
Raising a child in an incomplete family - What a single mother should know
What is to be done by a woman who is left with a child and is “abandoned” by a man? How to raise a child without a father and raise him happy? It is very important to create optimal conditions for the development of precisely those properties that are inherent in the child from birth. And here Yuri Burlan comes to the rescue, allowing him to differentiate the innate properties of a person.
Understanding what processes take place in the unconscious of a child, a mother, even without the support of a man, is much easier to find the right approach to the child, to help him reach his full potential.
Our reaction to the unfolding events depends on our mental properties - on the set of vectors, as well as on the degree of their development. A mother with a developed skin vector, forced to raise a child without a father, is likely to quickly adapt to the situation. She, with a high degree of probability, will be able to enter into a new relationship and find a stepfather for her child who is ready to provide for the family and participate in the upbringing process.
A completely different picture is formed if the set of mother's vectors includes anal. For people with an anal vector, family values are a priority. It is extremely important for them that everyone, including family life, developed in accordance with accepted standards. Under such conditions, the unwillingness of a man to participate in the educational process, his “escape” from the family is perceived as a betrayal and gives rise to a feeling of strong resentment. Moreover, this negative feeling often extends not only to a particular man, but to the entire stronger sex.
In this case, there is an obvious danger for the child - the mother can unconsciously project her grievances onto him. In addition, an offended anal mother often tries to form a negative image of a "traitor father" in the child's mind, not realizing that thereby undermines his sense of psychological security.
For people with an anal vector, the viscosity of thinking is characteristic, the inability to quickly adapt. For them, the first experience is very important - if it is negative, an “anchor” is formed in the mental anal, preventing him from creating new relationships “from scratch”.
As a result, a woman abandoned by the father of her child cannot enter into a new relationship. The problem is often aggravated by sexual frustrations, the anal vector gives a woman a powerful libido, and innate conservatism does not allow getting satisfaction in casual relationships.
A little temporary relief in this case is given by sadism and criticism. And "under fire" very often are the closest people, including a child.
The absence of a strong male shoulder, on which we could rely on when raising a child, makes us even more demanding of ourselves and our children - after all, there is no worse shame than the neighbor’s “fatherlessness is growing, that’s a bully” thrown by a neighbor.
Raising a child without a father - How not to suffocate him with love
- Son, do not run, you will fall! ..
- Don't you dare climb up the hill - it's dangerous! ..
- No, don't go outside, it's full of hooligans - it's better to sit down, read ...
- To the kindergarten? Are you crazy? My child will be beaten and abused there! Only a mother knows what is best for her child!
Under the motto “Mom knows best”, the childhood of children of anal-visual mothers often passes - the best, most caring and attentive. However, in the event that the “vision” of such a mother is not sufficiently developed, or does not find its realization, maternal care and love can turn into suffocating hyper-care.
We, anal-visual mothers, are very afraid that our beloved child will be spoiled by the “street”. No wonder, because there are completely hooligans and loafers walking around, while we are raising our baby in the best family traditions.
So we try with all our might to protect the child from the pernicious influence of the "street". We write down different circles, in sport sections we drive. And at home we do not lower our eyes - we control every step of the child, his every word.
Let it be better to read a book once again than to be hooligans with the boys on the street ...
As a result, the child has nowhere to get socialization skills. Indeed, in any children's games there is a very deep meaning - playing with peers, communicating with them in an informal setting, the child learns to find his place in society.
Total control, complete deprivation of the child of independence, increased anxiety for the child, do not allow the full development of his innate properties.
This bias "goes sideways" during puberty, when nature tries to catch up, and a child who has not received socialization skills "goes off the rails" and shows his mother the problems of adolescence in all its glory.
A deep understanding of the peculiarities of one's mentality allows one to adjust one's attitude to the current situation, as well as to the upbringing of the child.
Parenting a child in a divorce
Today, scandals related to the “sharing” of children after a divorce are increasingly becoming public knowledge. If earlier preference was overwhelmingly given to the mother, today men often declare their parental rights and try to convince the court that they can be entrusted with raising a child during a divorce.
Judges have to take into account a large number of factors to understand with whom it is better to leave the child. The moral character of the parents, their material wealth - everything is taken into account, except for the most important thing ... Nature is designed in such a way that the mother should take care of the child. That is why nature has endowed women (everyone, with the exception of the skin-visual) maternal instinct.
But the paternal instinct does not exist in nature. A man should only help a woman who is raising his child, provide her financially. This is his kind of payment for the continuation of himself in time.
However, modern society consumption gives a woman ample opportunities. Today, many women are quite capable of independently providing not only themselves, but also their children. However, we should not forget that our children live "not by bread alone." Material wealth is important, but it is much more important whether the parents, despite the divorce, managed to create conditions for the optimal development of the innate properties of the child.
Raising a child during a divorce - what a single father should know
Despite the fact that children traditionally stay with their mother during a divorce, we know situations in which the mother herself leaves the child to be raised by the father, preferring career, new experiences and new relationships.
As a rule, skin-visual women, who by nature do not give birth and do not have a maternal instinct, decide to take such a step. But in the vast majority of cases, single fathers are men with an anal vector - they are the ones who are able to take on the responsibilities of a mother and ensure the full upbringing of a child in an incomplete family.
Moreover, it is these men who, during a divorce, are trying to defend their right to participate in the process of raising a child.
But in this situation there is a certain danger, which can be avoided by realizing the peculiarities of your mental. The fact is that the anal vector is characterized by a division into “clean and dirty”. In the anal man's mind, a faithful wife and caring mother are "clean", while a woman who has left her family is "dirty".
The father is trying to instill this vision of his own in the child, speaking negatively about his mother. This inflicts a deep psychological trauma on the child, deprives him of the sense of security necessary for his full development.
Another mistake of a parent raising a child in an incomplete family is an attempt to replace an absent mother or father. This approach is erroneous - after all, the roles of mother and father in raising a child are completely different. Therefore, a single parent needs to focus on creating a favorable psychological environment in which the child can survive the divorce of his parents with the least loss.
Raising a child in an incomplete family with Yuri Burlan
What does system-vector psychoanalysis give to a parent raising a child alone? First, a deep understanding of your child, his innate properties.
The problem is that we evaluate the people around us, including our own children, “through ourselves”. We unconsciously try to endow them with our properties and try to develop them, regardless of whether they are present in the child or not.
A skin mother, accustomed to doing everything quickly, active, able to quickly adapt, wants to see all these properties in a child. But these properties can be developed only in one case - if the child also has a skin vector. However, the vector set of parents and children does not always coincide - and this "otherness" can give rise to a lot of problems and misunderstandings.
For example, a child with an anal vector is characterized by thoroughness, rigidity of thinking, perseverance. For a skin mom, all this seems like slowness, lethargy, and even stubbornness, which you need to “be sure to fight”. And the mother begins to push the child, to pull, which plunges him into a state of stress.
In this case, the child's reactions finally slow down, up to a complete stupor, and he is forced to start all over again. The inability to complete the work he has begun gives him psychological discomfort, which, in the end, becomes the cause of stubbornness, as well as digestive problems and even childish sadism.
No less difficult problems arise if a thorough, unhurried anal father brings up a nimble, mobile skin son. Trying to instill in him perseverance, the ability to bring everything to the end, a father with an anal vector often allows corporal punishment, reasoning, “My father spanked me - I grew up as a man. This means that I must also flog my son so that he grows up as a man!
Unfortunately, this approach does not take into account the difference in the mental properties of the father and son. Meanwhile, the skin boy, to whom physical punishment is applied, with a high degree of probability, sooner or later, will begin to steal, which will finally convince his father of his "congenital depravity by the genes of a bad mother."
Yuri Burlan fully reveals to us the roots of all these numerous problems. After completing the training, you will learn to see the root cause of certain actions of yourself and your children behind external manifestations, as well as understand the motives for the behavior of each person.
P.S. It is impossible to cover all possible life scenarios of incomplete families in one article. However, Yuri Burlana gives the main thing - with her help, any parent, regardless of the composition of the family, can create optimal conditions for the development of precisely those properties of the child that he is endowed with from birth.
The article was prepared based on the materials of trainings by Yuri Burlan
Quite often, women raise a child without a man. Each has its own reasons. Well, the mistakes in raising boys are the same for everyone.
From the point of view of psychologists, such mistakes of a single mother are especially common:
"Mama's boy"- where does it come from? It appears from childhood. Hyper-care and excessive guardianship makes the son completely unprepared for growing up and unsuitable for life. You can’t fully devote yourself to a child, sooner or later he will grow up, start building his own family, he will need to be released. And when the whole life was devoted only to the child, this is not at all easy to do.
Often a mother marries again, not because she wants her own happiness, but only in order to for a son to have a father. This may adversely affect the formation of the idea of family relationships in a growing child.
Sometimes women transfer to son negative feelings to men. It often happens that the father of the baby is not entirely fair in relation to the child and to the mother. Only this is not a reason to convince the son that his father is a traitor and a nonentity, like all men.
Also, it is not uncommon for a mother to feel that she is to blame for her son because she herself initiated the divorce or gave birth to a baby "for myself". Unfortunately, this breaks the psyche of the child and does not allow to establish full-fledged relationships in the family.
Moms make a big mistake when invent the image of a hero-father. They tell their son that dad was an astronaut and died while performing an important task, etc. But sooner or later, the child learns the truth, which greatly injures the psyche.
Some mothers manage blame the child for all failures that happened to them in life. And for children, this feeling, instilled by relatives, friends and loved ones, will become the heaviest burden for life.
Another mistake that mothers make when they are very busy with work is do not pay attention to the interests of their son and his needs. The indifference that the baby met has a detrimental effect on self-esteem. In those families where the mother is indifferent and always busy, the boys are insecure and prone to depression.
Another mistake - idolize your child. Inadequate assessment is transmitted to the baby, it will be difficult for him to survive in the adult world. Teach your child from childhood to see their strengths and their weaknesses and work on them. If a child from childhood believes that he is the best, it will not lead to anything good.
Compensate for missing love and attention with gifts One of the biggest mistakes single moms make. It is clear that you want the child to not need anything, but it is so easy to make him an egoist and consumers. Nothing can replace you for a child, so make time for your child and show your love as often as possible.
And lastly, remember that only a happy mother will have a happy child. Therefore, learn to be happy at least for the sake of the child.