How to save a family after the betrayal of his wife? What to do to an unfaithful wife after cheating on her husband - instructions for unfaithful wives Self-digging after a cheating wife
Male betrayal today will not surprise anyone. Moreover, in society there is no sharp condemnation of men for their campaigns on the side. The explanation of their polygamous physiology is most often limited to one phrase “He's a man!”, Which implies permission for treason. And, despite the fact that the betrayal of a husband is one of the most common causes of divorce in the world, most often men's fleeting hobbies are forgiven by their wives.
The attitude in society towards female adultery is the opposite. Since ancient times, a woman was considered a coaster, a keeper of the hearth. Her modesty, fidelity to her husband were considered the most valuable qualities. In some cultures, a wife could be executed for treason, more often a crowd threw stones at a traitor. Today, a woman who cheated on her husband does not expect such a severe punishment. But, if a man's infidelity is justified by nature itself, then female adultery is a complex concept that requires a detailed explanation.
The psychology of female infidelity
The nature of female infidelity can be explained by one phrase from an old anecdote: "It is not difficult to take someone else's wife away, it is difficult to return her back later." Although many wives deny that they can ever cheat on their spouse, in fact, statistics prove the opposite. A woman, unlike a man, is guided not by the physiological needs given to him by nature, but by feelings. Therefore, it is a married woman who is easiest to seduce and fall in love with herself. Against the backdrop of a stagnant relationship with a spouse and a lack of romance, it is very easy to awaken a woman's extinguished feelings. After all, every woman dreams of being loved and desired, and words for her are often more important than actions. Think about why at all times notorious romantics and vagabonds were revered by women more than sensible businessmen? Why do women leave a reliable spouse for a street bully? As already mentioned, women live with feelings, and cheating for them is an action dictated by their emotional sphere. No woman will cheat on her husband just because she liked the biceps or butt of her alleged lover. Among the causes of female infidelity lie deeper roots.
Common causes of female infidelity
So, why does the wife decide to take such a risky step? For many, this is, first of all, a step of desperation, a search for a way out of a situation, a solution to problems. The reasons for the wife's infidelity should be sought only in the family.
- Trying to forget family problems. More than 10 years of marriage pass, the family has children, but there are certain problems that do not make a woman happy in marriage. Young girls are likely to file for divorce, and a woman who has decades of family life behind her will not dare to destroy the created world. Because of my own insecurities, because of my children, because of the fear of change. She will find an outlet in the form of a lover. But over time, this illusion will also be destroyed, a woman will realize that she is deceiving herself, first of all.
- Satisfying your own ego. Psychologists say that an unmarried woman can be distinguished by her look, by a certain gleam in her eyes, an aura emanating from her. Having married, a woman loses these signs and becomes uninteresting for men. And the fact that she is married also repels fans from her. It is in search of male attention and romance that a woman decides to cheat. Moreover, often in such cases, it is she who becomes the initiator of extramarital relations.
- Problems in sexual life. Intimacy plays a big role in family life. But over time, passion dulls, and many couples are overtaken by a crisis. Not trying to find a joint solution to this problem, the spouses find it on the side. Sexual dissatisfaction pushes for treason and wife.
- Women's revenge. Cheating for this reason is a huge mistake. Having learned about her husband's infidelity, the wife, overwhelmed by feelings, under the influence of severe stress, goes for treason. But the result is a spiritual emptiness and, perhaps, even a broken marriage. After all, a man, unlike a woman, is not always ready to forgive betrayal.
- New love. No matter how old a woman is, she constantly needs love and romantic courtship. And, if on her way she meets a seducer who will give her everything, then she, headlong, will rush into the maelstrom of new relationships.
- Frequent separations. Long business trips of the spouse can also serve as a catalyst for the wife's infidelity. In this case, there are a number of reasons that contribute to discord in relationships: lack of attention, suspicion of the husband of infidelity, sexual dissatisfaction.
- First love. As you know, first love leaves the strongest emotional memories in the soul. And if the object of youthful passion (provided that he did not drink too much, did not degrade) meets on the path of a woman, then her memory will excite past memories and the relationship will continue.
- Marriage without love. Unfortunately, such marriages are becoming frequent in society. A childhood friend, by calculation, by flight - it is difficult to surprise with such reasons for getting married.
And another important aspect - a woman cheats not only with her body, but also with her soul. Therefore, if a break with a mistress is easy for a man, then for a woman such a choice is very difficult. And when such a situation occurs, it is very important to stop being guided by feelings, and start acting according to the arguments of the mind.
Signs of a cheating wife
The nature of a woman is such that it is difficult for her to hide the changes that are happening to her. The female powerful emotional sphere is again to blame for everything. Therefore, if the wife did not admit to infidelity herself, which often happens, her husband can find out about her romance by a number of signs:
- the wife hides her phone from her husband, does not talk on the phone with him;
- there were changes in appearance, the wife began to carefully monitor herself;
- a woman has cooled off for sex, constantly finds a reason to evade intimacy;
- the spouse has become emotionally distant;
- she no longer cares about housekeeping;
- absences from home became frequent, the wife also returns late from work;
- any words or actions of the spouse now irritate the woman;
- and the most important sign of infidelity is the appearance of brilliance in the eyes, mystery and riddles.
But no matter what reasons a woman is guided by infidelity, its consequences are, most often, very sad. What does a woman feel after her infidelity?
Most likely, an exorbitant burden of guilt will fall on women's shoulders. Even if the husband never learns about the fact of the committed betrayal, the wife will worry and suffer for a very long time because of what she has done. Because of the fear of condemnation and disclosure of secrets, a woman is unlikely to tell anyone about her act. But in such situations, it is best to speak out, cry on someone's shoulder. Being in this case herself and a lawyer, and a judge, and an executioner, a woman can easily reach a nervous breakdown. And then only a psychologist or a husband who forgave her can help.
The breakup of a family can also be a sad consequence of a wife's infidelity. Although, depending on which side to look at. If the marriage was already bursting at the seams, maybe it's not worth saving? And divorce is the only step to start life from a new leaf. As a rule, men do not forgive adultery. A man understands perfectly well that if his wife cheated on him, then she gave vent to feelings, which means that not only physical, but also spiritual betrayal occurred. This means that his wife does not belong to him. And rarely can a spouse forgive this. Therefore, the consequences of a wife's infidelity for her husband are always so categorical.
Another consequence of the completed adultery is a new relationship and, possibly, a new family. There are many such cases in life. Having met true love, a woman goes to her lover and gets married. In this case, we can say that life after the betrayal has become happier.
Thus, we can conclude that the reasons for adultery on the part of the wife lie in the search for love, warmth, attention and understanding, which she lacks in the family. Change occurs when the relationship has outlived its usefulness. Therefore, in order not to blame yourself for the destruction of the family, you need to do everything to save it before a woman decides to take a desperate step. If in her own husband she sees at the same time a protector, lover, friend, then there will not even be thoughts of betrayal.
One of the sayings of the famous French writer Francois de La Rochefoucauld says:
There are no women who have changed once - there are women who have never changed
And qualified psychologists say that men endure adultery much harder than women. What to do if an inexhaustible source of jokes and anecdotes knocked on the door? How to survive the betrayal of his wife and forget about the betrayal of his beloved? A man is a hunter, he is used to being a breadwinner, and a woman who is next to him must dutifully wait for her husband and keep the hearth. If suddenly someone extra interferes in the family idyll, this deals a serious blow to male pride.
In such a difficult situation, professional advice from a psychologist is required. Men in the heat of resentment can do a lot of stupid things and commit rash acts, the consequences of which will sooner or later be regretted. According to statistics, 90% of adultery comes up, but only 30% of them lead to divorce. In other cases, husbands show nobility and favor, preferring to forgive the traitor and save the family.
It can be very difficult for a person to independently deal with banal family troubles. And when it comes to betrayal and infidelity, the advice of a psychologist is priceless and irreplaceable. Men do not need to neglect the professional recommendations of specialists.
- Stop blaming yourself!
Most men who find out about adultery blame themselves for what happened. This is an erroneous opinion. Even if the husband is far from ideal, lying on the couch all day, not doing household chores and paying too little attention to his wife, it's still not his fault. Cheating was a woman's conscious choice, determined by her temperament and personal preferences. Putting responsibility on your shoulders for the actions of others is wrong. As well as it is wrong to blame the unfaithful spouse for everything. You should free yourself from painful thoughts and stop driving yourself into a psychological hole in the difficult search for the guilty ones. For liberation from painful thoughts, this system has proven itself very well.
- Pause
Don't rush and don't get excited. In the heat of passion, people make many mistakes. Give yourself time to calm down and put your feelings in order. Stay alone with your thoughts, think about whether you want to forgive your spouse or advice on how to survive the betrayal of your wife is inappropriate.
It is worth noting that forgiveness is necessary for oneself. Unforgiveness is a poison for the soul, and to bear it is not only humiliating (for oneself), but also extremely harmful. Naturally, forgiveness does not exclude divorce, because the situation of the situation is discord.
No matter what decision is made, the main thing is to restore emotional balance. Subsequently, we will have to return to important issues more than once. But at that moment time will pass, feelings will cool down, the pain will subside and you will look at the situation from a different angle. In any case, when passing the final verdict, remember the saying of the Indian politician Mahatma Gandhi: “The ability to forgive is a property of the strong. The weak never forgive."
- Avoid talking to your spouse
Talk to your wife and find out the motives for her behavior. As a rule, women do not dare to commit adultery out of sporting interest. They don't just change. Most likely, she was pushed to this act by mental anguish and emotional dissatisfaction. Try to subdue your anger and ask your significant other to talk about the reasons for cheating. This is important to do even if a man has made a decision for himself not to forgive his wife. Be sure to have a frank conversation.
The couple will disperse to different apartments, but the feeling of resentment and pain from the betrayal of their beloved will remain. Therefore, dialogue is simply necessary for a normal life in the future. But you can’t turn the conversation into another quarrel about unwashed dishes and scattered socks. If the atmosphere heats up and the conversation takes a different direction, you should stop and postpone the conversation for a certain time. Psychologists believe that 3-4 conversations may be needed to resolve the situation with adultery, and the period required to forget adultery is 2-3 years. Therefore, men who want to save a family should be patient.
- Change your wife, change yourself
Try to put yourself in the place of a lover. Why is he better? What does it have that you don't have? Why did she choose him? Take a step towards your wife, change your behavior, clear your mind. Psychologically, women are arranged in such a way that at first they cheat with their soul and only then with their body. Opening up to another man with her heart, the wife gets out of control of her husband and completely immerses her mind and consciousness in the power of her lover. A man should try to understand and feel his woman. It is necessary to give her exactly what was lacking for many years. It is important to open your feelings, to show your wife that she is still desired and loved. That woman who is treated kindly and adored is unlikely to want to look for new sensations on the side.
Many men, after marriage, stop paying attention to their wives: compliments, flowers, signs of attention. And in the meantime, no matter how old a woman is, they are all madly in love and appreciate it. Isn't that what they like about a new relationship with their lover?
- Treat change like a disease
Only the disease is not physical, but spiritual. The lover is the virus, the husband is the cure. The more hugs and kisses the legal spouse gives, the sooner the spell of the impostor will be weakened. But don't do it compulsively or with a sense of necessity. It should come from the heart - women feel very well. To do this, start looking for what you like in it. If everything is done correctly, the woman will “dissolve” in her husband and forget about her lover. Continuous bodily contact will continue with the unity of souls. And then, when the couple feels like a single whole, mutual understanding will come. But in order to wake up faded feelings and return love, you need to gain strength and be patient, learn to trust each other and start living in a new way.
- Imagine your life without a wife
Imagine that when you returned home you did not find your beloved woman there. The common joys and trifles disappeared somewhere. There are no more family traditions and holidays. Imagine what hurts more: a blow to male pride or the loss of a loved one. Psychologists say that it is easier for many of their patients to endure resentment and pain than to part with a loved one forever. But don't persuade the woman, don't ask her to come back. Do not lure your wife with beautiful promises and in no case bribe with gifts. Do not forget that they love for nothing, but just like that. A wife should love her husband, not feel sorry for him. Act unobtrusively, without threats and coercion - this in itself attracts.
- Dmitry, 28 years old, site co-author
It helped me a lot at the time. The invaluable recommendations of the author, of this system, on writing out and processing according to this system, all the emerging mental material, gave not only relief, but also the situation turned in a completely unexpected way (positively) ... In general, we build our reality with our thoughts and very often, permission at the mental level, solves the problem at the household level.
But this system is for a comprehensive cleansing of the mind, and you should start it only if you want to get rid of: negative emotions, complexes, limiting ideas and beliefs, negative attitudes and other mental debris. By the way, in the process of elaboration, the face was transformed - there is a connection between the inner world and the face of a person.
- Konstantin, 35 years old, programmer
It seems to me that betrayal does not hurt so much if you are mentally prepared for it. Of course, it is much easier to blindly trust your wife and not fill your head with obsessive thoughts. But life is complicated, anything can happen in it. It is necessary to calculate the moves in advance and think through all possible scenarios. In general, everyone has the right to make mistakes.
- Igor, 47 years old, individual entrepreneur
In the modern world, marriages often break up due to the infidelity of one of the spouses. The institution of the family has lost its value. I think it's wrong to end a marriage because of one ridiculous act. It was a pity for me to destroy what had been built for many years. I was not going to give my wife to some unknown lover who came from somewhere and did absolutely nothing for my woman. Men, do not cut down on the vine and do not burn bridges behind you, no matter how painful and insulting it may be. My family has been restored, and yours will surely rise from the ashes.
- Andrey, 29 years old, manager
I did not know how to survive the betrayal of my wife. Life turned upside down. I could not find a place for myself, I could neither drink nor eat. But a few weeks later, my attitude towards the situation changed. I realized that what happened was my fault. After eight years of marriage, it began to seem to me that no one needed a spouse except me. I stopped giving gifts to my wife and making compliments, I preferred friendly gatherings in the bar in the evenings in the bosom of the family.
My woman found the missing emotions in the arms of another man. Oddly enough, but I am somewhat grateful to my opponent. After all, if it were not for the betrayal, my wife and I would have simply divorced and forgotten about each other. And so, our feelings got a good shake-up. All this was a wonderful lesson for both of us. We prefer not to remember betrayal anymore, we spend a lot of time together and try not to forget about such concepts as love, loyalty and understanding.
Women's view of men's problems
Despite the fact that a woman is a symbol of male horns, one cannot do without a female look in this situation. The fair sex knows firsthand what actions forgotten wives expect from their husbands. Their advice on how to survive a cheating wife may be more useful than the advice of experienced psychologists:
- Valeria, 28 years old, sales assistant
I cheated on my husband for several years. Almost from the first days of marriage, quarrels, reproaches, scandals began. We dispersed and converged again, ran in circles, tormented ourselves and the children. The lover was my outlet. But after some time, I realized that I love my husband and do not want to leave. After long and difficult conversations, we decided to continue living together. It took a lot of effort and effort to believe in the sincerity of our feelings and establish a good relationship, but now understanding reigns in our family.
- Natalia, 42 years old, notary
I am a successful woman who knows her worth. Recently, my husband not only stopped paying attention to me, but began to assure me of insolvency and unattractiveness. To the surprise of my husband, there was someone who appreciated my beauty. Our family happiness was saved by the pangs of conscience on my part and the recognition of mistakes on the part of my husband. I advise men to cherish their woman and appreciate the time spent next to her.
- Christina, 34 years old, housewife
In family relationships, I did not dare to commit adultery, but I was within a hair's breadth of it. I don’t know what saved me, but it was unpleasant for my husband to find out that I was one step away from betrayal. Despite the inconsistency of the situation, our family life began to improve. In order for wives not to have a desire to pay attention to other men, spouses should do unexpected things for women, give gifts for no reason and give compliments. One must admire the wife, and then she will idolize her husband.
If the betrayal still happened, you need to come to terms with what happened. You need to understand that time will not turn back and what happened will remain happened. All that can be done is to work on the mistakes. And how to live on: return lost love or start from scratch, each deceived husband decides on his own.
One of the biggest stresses in any man's life is his cheating wife. It is noteworthy that male adultery leads to the fact that women begin to compare themselves with their rival for the worse and are ready to literally strangle her. At the same time, they can fully justify the spree husband.
If there is a female betrayal, a man, first of all, on the contrary, brings down his anger on a woman. The betrayal of a woman leads to the fact that he begins to feel a whole whirlwind of the most destructive feelings: vulnerability, anger, a feeling of trampling and humiliation. After that, he can lament on her lover.
It is incredibly difficult for men to accept the fact that the woman they love had a sexual partner before they met. Therefore, when she finds out that she slept with someone else, being at that time in connection with him, the whole world collapses for him.
Absolutely different. This is long-term coldness on his part, and male infidelity in the past, lack of affection and attention, constant quarrels and misunderstandings without quick reconciliation. At such moments, women, on emotions, indulge in all serious and ready for the sake of a magical night, where she is loved and caressed, to destroy the family. But later, when they realize their mistake, it becomes too late. Because the first thing a deceived man does is leave the family once and for all. He can do it on emotions, but later wounded pride will never allow him to go back.
But is there an alternative? Teaching the mind to a man is the most futile thing. He will still do it his way. However, psychologist A. Zberovsky suggests looking at the situation a little differently. With 25 years of experience in researching family relationships, he will help you survive the first pain of infidelity and give impetus to reasonable, not emotional actions that can still lead to happiness.
The most stressful situations for men
For both women and men, there is a rating of the most stressful situations. It is slightly different for both sexes. First, let's figure out how devastating female infidelity is, then we'll find out what to do if the wife cheated. Let's start with more "lungs" stressful situations for men.
13th place - the man got scared and chickened out in an emergency. It will be very difficult for him to come to terms with the fact that has already happened, because each of them in his soul considers himself the strongest and most courageous. In this situation, self-esteem drops dramatically.
12th place - framed by a true friend. The best friend is an important person in a man's life, and his betrayal comes down to the loss of a loved one.
11th place - the death of a close friend. Men hardly open up to anyone and trust. Therefore, the death of a friend is one of the strongest blows. Many men, after accidents with friends, simply do not turn them on.
10th place - recognition of their inferiority. A man will deny to the last that he is a drug addict or an alcoholic. When, finally, understanding comes from a doctor or a friend, it becomes very difficult for him.
9th place - professional dissatisfaction. A man works at an unloved job or tries his hand at business. When all his undertakings are cut off at the root, he folds his arms and falls into depression. At such moments, one or the one who believes in him, despite temporary difficulties, is able to support him.
8th place - lack of sexual power. If a man is impotent, or has problems in the sexual sphere, he will feel flawed and insecure.
7th place - poverty. It is important for a man to be successful in the material sphere. Debts, loss of a car, job, apartment - it's just a collapse.
6th place - he was given a fatal, severe diagnosis or was told about disability. It means losing everything. Therefore, men who have arrived from the war with severe injuries become more bitter and aggressive. The same thing happens in nursing homes. Men in them are more embittered than women.
5th place - infertility. It is difficult for a man to endure the infertility of his wife, and even more so for his own.
4th place - termination of communication with a child due to divorce. This paragraph applies only to those who were really attached to the child in family life and provided for him.
3rd place - treason. It doesn't matter if it's a wife or a girlfriend. But it is sexual (and not platonic) betrayal that is a crushing blow for men. In women, on the contrary, since platonic betrayal also hits them hard. Therefore, the concept of marital fidelity for a man is no less important.
2nd place - the death of a loved one. A man may not show that he is in pain. He will walk silent and gloomy. But this is the most dangerous. The death of a wife or parents can plunge him into depression for many years.
1st place - death of own child.
The change happened - what to do?
First, know that you are not the only man who has been cheated on. As the practice of psychologist Zberovsky shows, 80% of men who (allegedly) forgave their wife after infidelity because of children subsequently file for divorce.
Living together just because of the child is not a way out of the situation. You will still continue to see this woman every day, kissing will painfully remind you of the incident, and this will make your life hell. Why do you end up filing for divorce yourself? If one of the following factors happens in a life together, you will not be able to live happily.
Factors pushing a man to divorce after forgiving infidelity:
- Repetition of the incident. In this case, either the husband files for divorce, or the wife.
- A man wakes up with a thirst for revenge as a result of mental suffering. In this case, the barrier of fidelity is broken in him and he considers himself in every right to have love on the side.
- If a man was scandalous or critical before infidelity, he may begin to reproach, remember the mistake and continue to criticize his wife. The problem is exacerbated if, after forgiving his wife, he begins to get involved in alcohol (drugs). In this case, usually the wife does not withstand the pressure and leaves.
- One of the spouses begins to earn more. This inspires confidence and optimism. A wife can file for divorce if she believes that she can live without her husband and remorse. Or the husband files for divorce, who will provide for the children and wife without seeing her and thus not torturing himself.
- The husband's relatives may begin to humiliate his dignity and call him henpecked if he forgives the betrayal.
- An already grown child may begin to show pity for his father or cease to respect him because of softness.
- The child will feel sorry for the father and he will begin to unite with him against the unfaithful mother. In this case, the man decides to divorce and takes the child with him.
- New circumstances may come to light - abortions from a husband (lover), as well as pregnancy. This finally puts an end to the relationship.
- Why do women cheat even after forgiveness? A wife can take forgiveness for granted and stop respecting a man completely. In this case, renewal of infidelity is likely.
If you still decide to forgive your wife and stay in the relationship against all odds, remember that making such a decision will bring happiness only when your relationship with your wife has completely normalized and there is no resentment.
Remember, a good relationship helped you make the decision to have a baby. Now you can raise this child only if you have the same good relationship! Recurring scandals and breaking dishes will not benefit the psyche of children.
The psychologist has conducted more than a thousand conversations with men who have been cheated on. In order to make an informed, sensible, and final decision, you need to ask yourself some important questions. Divide a sheet of paper into 2 columns. One will have advantages. "behind" divorce, and in the other cons "against" divorce. Answer honestly, without embellishment.
- Is the marriage registered? If you have already made an offer or finalized the marriage, but found out that there is no more marital fidelity, put a plus in the first column.
If you have a civil marriage, then put a minus. Even if you have common children. In psychology, there is no concept of betrayal if a man and a woman have not made a commitment. In this case, put a minus in the second column.
- How old are you? If you are under 40, put a plus in the first column. You don't have to commit your life forever to a traitor.
If you are over 45 years old, then it will become difficult for you to create a new family with children - put a minus.
The age between 40 and 45 years old suggests that the decision on the plus and minus is up to you, based on personal considerations.
- What is your marriage like? Put a plus if it's the second or third. Because a large number of marriages suggests that you do not know how to build relationships with women and for some time it is better for you to live alone in order to analyze your mistakes.
If this is the first marriage, it is better to try to save it and understand what exactly you made a mistake. In this case, add a minus.
If this is a multiple civil marriage, then you need to settle down and decide to get married. Not necessarily on this one, but at least on the next woman. Otherwise, the problems will recur. It is difficult for women to call the man who is not going to formalize the relationship a husband.
- What is the wife's age? If you are no more than 40 years old, and she is less than 35, then it is better to put a minus. The reason is that a wife at this age can still give birth to a child, which will become a mitigating factor for a man.
If you are both over 40 years old, put a minus (against divorce). In other cases, evaluate the situation yourself.
- What kind of marriage does she have? If she married for the first time, then put a minus (but only if she performed well in 11, 12 and 13 points).
If this is her second or third marriage, and she still does not value the relationship, put a plus. What to do if the wife cheated in the case when this is her second in a row. or a third marriage? Understand that she does not know how to build relationships and may have done so in past times.
- Who wanted to start this family? If you suggested this, then you can be called decisive and enterprising. The wife did not appreciate this act, so you can propose to someone else. In this case, put a plus in the divorce column.
If you were indecisive, put a minus. It may be easier for you when someone guides you. In this case, it will be difficult to create a new family, and at the next female betrayal, you may break down.
- How did you behave before female infidelity? Answer honestly the following questions. Did you cheat on her? Did you often spend your free time and holidays without her? Did you force her to have an abortion? Did you live on her provision? Were you rude to her? Did you beat her? Have you ever stolen? Do you have or have you had addictions (alcoholism, drugs, computer games)? If not, put a plus, as your wife did not appreciate you.
If at least one of the points took place in your past, put a minus and correct it. Perhaps the woman cheated out of desperation.
- How did the wife behave before the incident? Has she ever cheated? Was she hanging around your neck financially (pregnancy doesn't count)? Was she rude to you or rushed to fight? Did he spend his leisure time and ever leave without you? Did she refuse to have children? Does she have an addiction or history of stealing? If you didn’t answer yes to any of these points, then feel free to put a minus.
What to do if your wife cheated, who had behaved indecently before? As long as it's a plus.
- Do you have children in common? Since children are one of the fundamental factors in adultery, put a minus. The same applies to those cases when your wife became pregnant from you.
If the wife did not want to have children and at the same time began to cheat, put a plus.
- Was your wife a good mother? It makes no sense to stay in the family when a woman's betrayal occurred and at the same time the children were deprived of the woman's attention. Put a plus.
If the wife has performed or is performing the entire range of maternal duties (cooking, washing, caring, playing, walking, taking the baby to the garden and checking the lessons), then she has the right to forgiveness - put a minus.
- Was she a good wife to you? How satisfied were you with her in your marriage? If a woman did not give you care, love and warmth, and then you also found out that she was cheating, put a plus.
If she looks good, is wonderful in sex, you have common goals and interests, she cooks, cleans, does laundry and maintains harmony in the family - put a minus. In that case, her mistake might have been fleeting.
- How did you know that your belovedwoman cheating? If she herself told you about the harassment of the boss, rape, drunkenness at a work party, and the like, put a minus.
If she hid all this, and friends or acquaintances told you about the betrayal, then put a plus. It is unpleasant when someone behind your back laughs at you like you are a cuckold.
- How did it happen that a womanchanged? If she deceived you for a long time and herself contributed to the betrayal (pretted up and did not say where she was going, went on secret dates, that is, she gladly accepted the initiative of her lover) - put a plus.
If she slept with him once - it's still, gritting her heart, you can forgive. You can put a minus. When the relationship lasted for months and years secretly from you - put a plus (and bold).
How did she treat her lover? If platonic love is added to physical passion - affectionate SMS, words, unpleasant statements towards her husband - put a plus. If none of this happened, a minus will do.
What will be the final score for this item? Remember that it is the most important one. At least one plus on one of the three points listed above should form a plus in the final grade. If you put minuses on all (!) Questions, in the end mark a minus.
- How did she act when you told her about the infidelity? You can put a minus if she breaks the left connection with you - she calls her lover and expresses everything, and also apologizes, begs for forgiveness, tells all the details, then put a minus. You should feel her sincere repentance.
If she continues to hide the facts, denies everything and at the same time does not want to admit her guilt, put a plus.
- How does she behave the first time after being convicted of treason? If your wife is cheating on you further, communicating with her lover, treats you arrogantly, as if you are also to blame, then feel free to put a plus.
- What will divorce or family preservation give you? Here you have to turn off emotions and turn on cold pragmatism. If your wife earns more than you and you have nowhere to live, it is better to put a minus.
In the case when a woman is cheating on you, and you are not deprived of a good income, an apartment and independence - put a plus.
- What will divorce give a woman in the event of a divorce or the preservation of the family? If you see that the wife is very beautiful, independent, independent and has many interests, then she will be in demand among the same successful men. In this case, you will not want to miss it and you will put a minus.
If a woman does not take care of her appearance, she has low self-esteem, she is emotionally dependent on you and does not have her own income, then men mercilessly put a plus, knowing that she will suffer after such punishment as they do.
- Advantages and disadvantages of your reconciliation, whenwoman changed. If children are under 12 years old, but older than infancy, fathers usually put a minus, as they have time to become attached to them.
If they are not yet accustomed to the child (and fathers get used only after spending time together with children), or if the child is already a teenager, a plus is usually put here.
- How will the children react(s) to this message? If men do not understand why women cheat, then children will certainly not understand why mom did this. In the case when the children saw the impartial treatment of their father or mother, they themselves will want you to divorce. You don't want to part with them. If you are ready to change your mind about your behavior, put a minus.
When, on the contrary, you took care of the children and the family - fed, provided for, walked and played, and the wife squandered all the money and forgot about her duties, it would be fair to put a plus here.
- What did your relatives say when they found out about the incident? If your wife cheated on you, but continues to have a warm relationship with your relatives, then put a minus. Especially if your relatives saw you drinking, walking and not working.
If your wife could not make friends with your mom, dad, sister and other relatives, then you can put a plus.
- What did her relatives say when they learned about the incident? If her relatives love you and consider you a golden man worthy of a better woman who does not cheat, put a plus in the divorce column.
If they persuade you to change your mind and promise to have an educational conversation with her (or have already done it), then it’s better to indicate a minus.
- What did your, her friends or mutual people say about this situation? Whichever of these three categories friends fall into, they can be either on your side or on hers. It would be nice to talk to each one individually and listen to their advice if your wife is cheating on you. What do they offer you more - stay (minus) or leave (plus)?
- How much do you love her? If all these questions bother you, because you love her, despite any logic and an overwhelming number of pluses, put a minus. Sometimes love conquers everything, even if your wife cheated on you.
In the case when you got married out of principle, a dispute, because of pregnancy or other factors, then there is probably no love and never was - put a plus.
- How much does she love you? Women and men can change, even if they love the second half. You will have to wait about two months to understand the extent of her love. Actions will speak for it. If she showers you with love, attention and openness - put a minus after 2 months. In the case when she treats you with coolness - put a plus.
- What is your character and degree of emotional stability? If you shoot from the shoulder on emotions, and then only think about what you have done, you can put a minus. You will be able to think soberly when the ardor cools down and, perhaps, you will be ready to forgive her.
If you are stable, tough, it is difficult to offend you, and she did it, then you will hold a grudge for a long time. Therefore, put a minus.
In these matters, as you noticed, the number of years lived does not play a significant role. Much more important is the emotional content of these years (their quality). How happy were you? After all, you can live 5 years in a happy relationship or 30 years in an unhealthy relationship.
Take a look at the pros and cons and determine which items you think are more meaningful to you. If there are a lot of minuses and the wife is ready for anything if only you would forgive, then it’s better not to hold on to your crown and pride. If your wife is cheating on you as before without a twinge of conscience, you should not look at the cons, but it is better to leave and build your happiness with a more faithful woman.
It is possible that you will have almost the same number of minuses and pluses. In this case, time will be your salvation. Try not to get divorced, but wait at least a couple of months. Time itself will tell you whether the relationship will go uphill, or everything will slide down. If your resentment is unbearable even after some time, then do not be afraid to get a divorce. In addition, remember that in the case of self-examination of both parties, you can come together again.
In the case study above, you have probably already made up your mind. If your wife has cheated on you and you still do not know what to do, listen to the advice of a qualified psychologist. We will have to work on the points again, but there will be few of them.
If you answered "Yes" by 3 points, then A. Zberovsky would not recommend that you save an already cracked marriage. When answering "Yes" on all 7 points, he advises you to leave, even if you are threatened by loneliness, poverty or loss of contact with your children and relatives.
- The wife told the children that she cheated and now they do not want to communicate with you. That is, she sets them against you, although she is completely to blame herself.
- The wife behaves boorishly, condescendingly towards you, allows offensive words and does not repent of adultery in the slightest.
- She denied everything even when you "locked" against the wall or showed evidence.
- She has been walking on the side for more than a month (the longer, the worse for you and your self-esteem).
- The wife not only slept with another, but after all this she refuses to have sex with you. Why do you need her so? Maybe this is not love on your part, but a sick dependence on it?
- She does not want to have children from you and avoids talking about them under all sorts of pretexts.
- You have heard more than once that she cheated - with you, in past relationships, or from friends (relatives).
When is it worth stepping on male pride and saving a marriage if your wife is cheating on you? In one of the following cases.
- You were an inappropriate husband - walking away from her, drinking, taking drugs, hiding money or hiding leftist income, not spending leisure time with her, flirting with others or sleeping with them, calling names or raising your hand.
- You are in a civil marriage, or you yourself did not want to formalize it with your wife before, but succumbed to her persuasion.
- When your wife was perfect, you yourself refused to satisfy her desires in the sexual sphere.
How to live after betrayal?
You should not quickly forgive your wife and act as if nothing had happened a couple of days after discovering the fact. Your forgiveness should not come too easily to her, otherwise she will not appreciate it. Be indulgent - confident in yourself as before and do not go down to her level yet. Put yourself higher, since you are the injured party. At the same time, you should not torment your wife for a long time with your coldness if you have decided to stay with her and she repents.
You need to make her continue to respect yourself. In this case, you should not break into a scandal, but apply the method of care. You can not get divorced yet, but leave and show that this is not possible with you, you simply have to. When you become out of range, she will understand what she has done and she will have to make an effort to get you back. If she does not do this, then betrayal was only an excuse for parting.
Thousands of families break up because of romances on the side. Speaking of infidelity, we often mean the husband, and we automatically attribute the role of the victim to the wife. Because that's how it happened. The stronger sex has always had one main privilege - the justification of polygamy. Some men, being caught hot, use it successfully. Like, it's not me like that, nature created us like that, so ask her. But the feeling of guilt after betrayal wakes up in everyone. Even the most notorious Casanovas experience it from time to time.
As for women's statistics, the number of cheaters is 20% lower. But for some reason, their novels are subject to more heated discussion in society. Although, in fact, they are an act absolutely identical to men's. Here we leave the topic of gender differences in the light of society. We will also agree right away that we do not take into account the romance on the side, as the last straw in a failed relationship. Let us consider it as an accident that has turned into unbearable torment and does not allow a person to live freely.
And one more thing - it will be about physical contact. After all, spiritual infidelity is a vague concept and practically defies analysis.
Now back to the question: why do we change? The reasons why the beautiful and strong half of humanity goes to adultery are slightly different. If you believe the research of psychologists, the main hidden motives that encourage the beautiful half of humanity to a love adventure are:
- Lack of attention from a loved one.
- The search for vivid sensations that "stole" the usual way of family life.
- Prolonged absence of a partner.
The latter does not mean the literal absence of physical, but, above all, psychological contact. A partner is present in this situation, but he is removed from the relationship due to various motives: going headlong into work, excessive passion for some kind of hobby or corny alcohol.
The last place in the scale of popularity of female motives is occupied by physiological need.
For men, it's just the opposite. First on the list is sexual satisfaction. And after - a feeling of novelty and a lack of attention. The last motif most clearly outlines the difference between female and male infidelity. The former look for deep affection and trust in lovers, the latter for fleeting sensations and pleasure.
But all the reasons have one single basis - a crisis in marriage. No one will go to treason to a loved one, being happy next to him.
Infidelity as an incentive to work on yourself and a chance to change
By changing, we doom ourselves to emotional stress. What consequences it will have is up to the individual to decide. The way out of the vicious circle depends on the personal perception of the event, on what a person initially means by adultery - a cruel betrayal or a ridiculous mistake?
The answer is formulated only when faced with the event face to face. But even here there is a catch. Opinion may change radically, but not the fact that it will be objective. The one for whom infidelity was the cruelest betrayal, having changed himself, will suddenly perceive the act as an absurd mistake. And vice versa.
It is more difficult for a woman to forget her betrayal , than a man.
Psychology is arranged in such a way that when starting a relationship or getting married, a girl subconsciously vetoes physical intimacy with someone else. A beautiful person, as it were, concludes an unspoken agreement with herself - from now on she has the right to receive physical pleasure with only one man. This fact has been taking place in society since time immemorial and greatly influences the consequences of a love affair. And it's not even a matter of remorse. It's about personality change. If a beautiful person succumbs to temptation, then she does not cheat on her partner, but first of all on herself, on her principles, on the contract. An irreversible act entails the launch of the same irreversible processes in human psychology.
How to forgive yourself for betrayal? Is there a way to start everything from scratch? Eat. But it requires huge efforts and continuous work on oneself. Looking at an act from a different angle, directing thoughts and actions in a productive direction is a good recipe. A great helper in transforming destructive processes into productive ones is time. Yes, it sounds trite, but no matter how hard we try to fight thoughts and feelings, time will play a decisive role. Time will turn the question: "How to get rid of the feeling of guilt for betrayal, into the question" What are my conclusions from what happened and how will they affect me in the future? What seems like a cruel mistake can turn into a wonderful incentive for:
- Reassessment of personal values.
- Understanding your motives, and therefore yourself.
- Acquisition of skills to manage their actions.
You don’t need to think about how to forget your betrayal, it’s better to think about how to use the chance to improve your personality and the next time you find yourself in the same conditions, choose a different path.
Change or getting out of your comfort zone
The debilitating question: how to survive your betrayal is connected not only with pangs of conscience. This implies a deeper meaning: how to experience changes in yourself? If a faithful spouse suddenly did something like this, it means that changes have occurred, first of all, in him / her. Change, whether it's marital troubles, a midlife crisis, or something else, always borders on the unknown. And the unknown is usually scary.
The internal comfort zone, equipped over the years, pushes and dooms to torment. The situation is aggravated when a person is visited by the thought that he did not know himself to the end. How to trust your soul mate if you do not trust yourself? The same emotions arise in someone who has been betrayed. The fear of losing the former intimacy with a loved one borders on the fear of changes in a person whom he seemed to know as flaky.
When the thoughts of the guilty come to an end point, the circle closes. Thinking will not save the situation. What to do then?
What to do?
Recall the psychological scheme "adult-parent-child". All three, although not always successfully, but get along in one person. Everyone plays their part. So, try to find an “adult” inside yourself and take full responsibility for the event and the consequences. Do not rush to do what your conscience tells you. If you do not know how to use the signals correctly, then she will become a bad adviser. Sometimes the clues of conscience are misunderstood and sincere repentance suddenly turns into self-flagellation and self-loathing. The path is too slippery, and if the processes are not recognized in time, a person is destroyed from the inside.
Stepping out of your comfort zone also happens because infidelity is closely linked to the concept of sin. Consciousness demands to redeem it and cannot calm down. But how? What can be done to make sin redeemed? Admit?
Then a counter question: is it possible to put an equal sign between redemption and recognition? How much easier will it be for both if the confession is made? Will the conscience be cleared after the confession of the guilty?
Is it worth confessing
Repentance is inherent in everyone without exception, but to speak or remain silent is a purely personal matter. Choice, whatever it may be, always consists of duality. If you choose honesty, you will be relieved, but you may lose a loved one. If you choose silence, you will save the relationship, but the heavy burden will remain with you forever. Only the one who chooses knows what is best to do in a particular case.
According to statistics, the choice in favor of "confess and repent" is more often made by females. The beautiful half is more vulnerable and susceptible to panic than the strong half. In general, it is in the style of women - to speak out to make it easier. But they themselves prefer ignorance about the adultery of a loved one. Of course, if we are talking about a one-time event.
There are also more optimistic examples. Many couples experience infidelity and, having coped with the consequences, become even closer to each other.
Pangs of conscience: friends or enemies?
Delinquency and guilt go hand in hand. After an accidental affair, it is the feeling of guilt that arises first. Since this emotion is one of the basic components of the human psyche, the attitude of the individual, mental and behavioral processes depend on how strongly it is developed (or instilled). People with an optimistic outlook on life (and a less developed degree) get along with this feeling more easily. They are able to extract the maximum benefit from the event. For them, the arisen emotion is a stimulus:
- Engage in deep introspection.
- Follow the cause-and-effect relationships of your behavior.
- Work out the mistakes.
- Summarize and make a life-affirming verdict (for example, no longer repeat what you have done or confess to your soulmate).
But, unfortunately, in our society, when it comes to adultery, the percentage of optimists is low. Most are faced with destructive feelings: they are constantly tormented by conscience, they are subject to self-blame and scourging of their “I”.
Therefore, the main theme when confronted with one's own misconduct is not even recognition to a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, but awareness and direction of sensations in a productive way. After all, a personality destroyed and exhausted by suffering is not needed even by oneself. A person loses not only his partner, but also himself.
Launching a self-destruct program is the easiest and, by the way, selfish way.
Efforts are not particularly necessary, the descent occurs along the knurled. But to take oneself in hand and show responsibility is a more difficult task. Not everyone is able to cope alone, so do not shy away from the help of a psychoanalyst.
It is worth mentally preparing for the fact that forgiveness and forgiveness will not happen immediately. You will have to walk a long and crooked path, groping for a chain of events and actions. If the idea of a psychologist does not suit you, do it yourself. Start by talking to yourself. The “child” inside you is scared and confused, and the “adult” can help him - say that he loves and respects him even after he changed, which will not allow him to destroy his personality.
How to deal with the consequences?
For a woman, physical intimacy with another man is an internal conflict between two created images. The first (which she strives to match) is the image of an exemplary wife or girl, the second, (whom she met after the event) is frivolous and fickle. Projecting these images onto a scheme in psychology, an exemplary wife is an “adult” who is sure that the contract cannot be violated, there are obligations. And the frivolous one is a “child” who screams that there is only one life and I have the right to enjoy it to the fullest! As for the guilt of those who cheat, it is positioned as a “parent”: what have you done, you can’t do this, well, aren’t you ashamed?
How to forgive yourself for what you did with all these people inside? It is necessary to resolve the conflict with the maximum benefit for your psyche and the psyche of your loved one. Do not take as a basis the words of Scarlett O'Hara - "I will not think about it today, I will think about it tomorrow", do not resort to excuses, do not include the victim, but RECOGNIZEMISTAKEAND TAKE RESPONSIBILITYTO MYSELF. Mature people do just that.
Allow your "I" to understand that at the moment when the unexpected happened, this act was the most correct. Accept the fact that no one forced you to communicate, the path was chosen by you. Yes, perhaps some circumstances that pushed you played a role, but that's where the excuses end.
And yes, do not get hung up on whether the choice was right or not. In such situations, there is no right or wrong (this is generally invented by people, because it is more comfortable to live with clear concepts). You will also get nowhere if you take up the assessment of the degree of your guilt. To accept the fact and responsibility for what has been done is the first step on the way to how to forget your betrayal.
Asking for forgiveness
It is not necessary to confess to a partner. You can mentally ask for forgiveness. Psychologists say that this method is no less effective for alleviating suffering. But remember that a mental request for forgiveness will not be useful in a one-time execution; it must be repeated like a kind of ritual.
When forgiveness is received (in your thoughts), the final step is to ask for forgiveness from yourself. Here you should understand all your personalities - "adult", "parent", "child" and find a solution that would suit them all. Try not to be led by self-blame (parent) and, having learned the lesson, clearly decide what way out you will find from a similar situation next time (adult). This is the only way you will be able to forgive yourself for treason.
If you cannot withstand the internal onslaught and decide to surrender, first find out what psychologists recommend about this:
- Prepare for the conversation ahead of time. Thoughtless arguments and arguments will lead to the fact that you will not be able to cope with emotions.
- You should not start a conversation at a time when a person is not in a good mood or in an unfavorable environment (traffic jam, rush).
- Your monologue should contain only the truth. For the sake of lies, there is no point in starting a conversation.
- You can and should talk about repentance and regret, but at the same time maintain dignity and respect for yourself.
And remember that everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone is able to adequately admit them. Your task is to find a way out that will be the least painful for you and your loved one. It will become the redemption that you are so striving for, and also the long-awaited answer to the question of how to forgive yourself for being unfaithful.
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