Extremely bad parenting technique: manipulation of the child by intimidation. Phrases aimed at intimidation Common theme to intimidate
How often this happens among parents: a naughty child refuses to impute your arguments, and literally on the go you come up with some kind of intimidating phrase. In theory, it should calm down the child, make him think again and calm down. But what actually happens in the head of your own child when he hears once again from an irritated mother “Stop, otherwise I won’t love you anymore!” or “Do as I say, or I’ll leave you right on the street and leave!” How often does the child hear these words? Does he perceive them as an adult? Understanding or fear - what will save the child from danger?
An experienced psychologist reveals all the dangers of such a method of manipulating your child. And he warns: such phrases can seriously undermine your parental authority! Why does intimidation often lead to the opposite result, and how to find a reasonable replacement for it?
"I'm already tired of your seizures! Now stop yelling! Otherwise I'll leave you here and go home by myself! Do you hear me? I'll drop you and leave! I'm tired of you already, I have no strength! - was heard in the middle of the street, and in response came more and more piercing children's sobs.
- Tell me, please, is every mother in such a typical situation?
- Yes, indeed, such a picture on the street can often be seen. The parent, tired and irritated, almost drags his stubborn child, and he screams more and more. Intimidation turns out to be ineffective, and the adult, out of impotence, can hardly restrain himself from hysteria and tears.
And how to stop this crazy cycle? You are like an experienced child psychologist What advice can you give to parents?
- Stop, take a deep breath, try to come to your senses. Try to step back from your irritation and realize that your anger will lead nowhere. On the contrary, the more the adult becomes inflamed, the more the child begins to get nervous. The only way out of this situation is to try to see yourself through the eyes of your own child. It's not just that he falls into a nervous fit and refuses to obey. It means that something led to this, some chain of events upset him. Maybe he's even just tired. Or he is hot, not comfortable in his clothes. Even relatively older children cannot always understand the cause of their nervous tension. There is still no ability to analyze events and find some important essence in them. Therefore, it is important to be patient. The child may not answer what happened to him and why he is so upset, but this does not mean that there is no reason. You are an adequate and adult person, a responsible parent. If it is not possible to get a clear answer from a child, then stop tyrannizing him. Just accept the thought that he is not himself at the moment. And it is absolutely absurd to start oppressing the child even more, intimidating or offending him.
- What should be done?
- Take the child in your arms and hug him. Hold on tight, have pity and calm down. Give him some time for the nervous tension to begin to subside. Any tantrum and a massive fountain of children's tears is an attempt to relieve stress. Let off steam, if you will. Every person needs periodic discharge, especially after a hard day or recent unpleasant situations. Your child is no exception. He is not yet able to help himself on his own. And not every adult is able to control their emotions in moments of moral depression, physical fatigue. It is foolish to demand this from a small child.
- That is, the parental reaction to such behavior of the child should be affection and calmness?
- Exactly. Only in this case the child will be able to calm down, come to his senses.
- And if you continue to pull him up, scold and try to intimidate?
- First, the child will become more and more hysterical. As a result, you will have to apply physical punishment, almost always this is what it all ends with. Secondly, a bad mood will be provided to the parent. For a long time! Because even at home, the child will not immediately begin to calm down. Most likely, the mood of your child will be capricious and bad until the very moment of going to sleep at night. Who needs it?
Thirdly, the child will draw simple conclusions that at moments when he feels bad, his mother (or father) aggravates his situation. Simply put, a trusting relationship with your child will subsequently be impossible. And one more thing: children can seriously worry about the strength and stability of your love. If a mother constantly threatens to leave her child on the street or not to pick her up from kindergarten, does she love him at all? This has a very negative effect on relationships.
But after all, these intimidations are invented. All these threats are just an attempt to stop children's tantrums. Don't kids understand this?
- Not always. The child may be confused by parental words. Besides, in some way this is a real lie. You are setting a bad example for your child. You use lies to manipulate and get what you want. Children can adopt such psychological techniques. And use them in the future even against yourself!
- It seems that the child's public tantrums are an indicator of a bad mother?
“When my child suddenly starts acting up, becomes whiny and does not make contact, then I just kneel down in front of him, stretch out my arms and hug him. I show that I am a friend and you can always rely on me. And that I don't need to explain anything. And any hysteria instantly disappears.
In words, everything turns out quite simply. But is it possible to learn it the first time? It seems to me that it’s quite difficult to control yourself when you come to kindergarten after a hard day’s work for a child, and from the threshold he starts screaming, falling to the floor and sobbing?
- Of course, this is the main nuance. If you yourself are irritable and in a bad mood, then it is much harder to calmly react to the sudden whims of your child. But think about this at such moments: is it possible that your child did not experience his best day today? As an adult, you find it easier to suppress your negative emotions. And the tense psyche of the child explodes suddenly. Realize your baby could be all day in kindergarten fight his dejected state, but now he sees you, the most dear and close person. And then there is a rapid surge of emotions due to the accumulated stress. What would you like at such a moment?
- Probably, just to console me and feel sorry for me ...
Your child needs it too. But he does not know how to analyze his mental state and will not be able to produce such a long logical chain to eventually tell you: “Mom, today I am very tired and I feel bad, and a nurse came to our group and took a blood test from a finger. All this greatly upset me, because I feel nervous tension. Hold me and do something so I can calm down."
The child simply feels intense discomfort, and the arrival of a parent serves as a powerful catalyst. So the hysteria begins, uncontrollable tears. It is impossible for a child to cope with such a flow on his own. Just understand that at such a moment your child is very ill. And be sorry.
- And what happens to children if at such moments the parent does not come to the rescue?
- The child begins to think that he is all alone. He can withdraw into himself. He will try to get comfort from you once, twice, three times. It is possible that in these stages of new attempts, his tantrums will be aggravated and reach their peak. But then he realizes the futility of his actions. Not immediately, of course.
- And then what?
- You will simply lose your child. He will learn to do without you. If he could not count on your understanding in deep childhood, then with the advent of adolescence, this alienation will deepen even more.
“I knew a girl who, even as an adult, harbored a grudge against her mother because she once left her at the children's clinic. The girl was afraid to get vaccinated and threw a tantrum under the doctor's office. Mom did not find anything better than to start screaming at a frightened child, and even hit her. And then she turned and silently walked away. Surprisingly, the girl remembered this incident for the rest of her life.
It turns out that it is not so easy to be a patient and loving parent. Are there any rules so that you can learn it faster?
- In fact, there is nothing daunting in this. Try not to think only about yourself. At the moment of childish disobedience, the parent fixates only on his inner feelings. He feels anger, annoyance, irritation. And it completely absorbs him, and for some reason he forgets about the feelings and condition of the child.
Well, how then are things going in order to teach a child to be seriously afraid of something? For example, a fire? Or strangers? If the method of intimidation is not an option.
- Of course, it is necessary to talk about possible dangers. But not in a depressing way and without horrifying embellishments. I had a patient who in all colors painted an eight-year-old child with nightmares that occur on highways. I even showed him photos from car accidents, videos in news feeds. It seemed to him that in this way his child would be protected as much as possible, he would cross the road strictly on green.
And one day the class teacher called from the school and said that their son was constantly late for classes. The parents gave the child a reprimand, during which it turned out that the student was afraid to cross the road even on the green light. one view highway plunged him into horror, the child stood at the traffic light for half an hour, gathering his courage and pouring cold sweat.
- To scare the child that you will give it to Orphanage for disobedience - is it a terrible taboo?
- Naturally. How to say that you stop loving. And any phrases in a similar vein. This will not teach the child anything, but it will frighten him.
It turns out that the main thing is to try to be a friend to the child first of all, not to lie to him and not to ignore his inner state?
- Exactly! Be more forgiving. And learn to intuitively understand when your child is having a hard or bad time in order to come to the rescue in time. Then there will be no reason for hysterics.
Obedience to a child through bullying
Psychology of communication and interpersonal relations Ilyin Evgeny Pavlovich
5.5. Threats (intimidation)
5.5. Threats (intimidation)
Threats are another way of influencing a person. A threat is a promise to cause trouble to a person, evil. It is used to arouse anxiety or fear in a person: an alarmed, and even more frightened, person is easily amenable to someone else's influence.
Bullying can be both overt (“If you don’t change your mind, you will stay for the second year,” the teacher tells the student), and hidden (for example, when parents tell the child: “If you don’t eat porridge, you won’t grow up,” this is a threat to child because he wants to grow up).
As a factor of interpersonal influence, bullying is most common in those social relationships, the breakup of which is difficult or impossible (army, family, educational establishments, prison).
The use of intimidation (threat) is less effective than flattery, as the fear caused by threat tends to be fleeting, while the dizziness caused by constant flattery can last for a long time. On the other hand, it is easier to cause anxiety and fear than to seduce a person.
Why bullying may not work
Most lectures. on anti-alcohol topics is devoted to explaining the harmful, dangerous consequences of drinking alcohol. At the same time, each specialist - some with the help of statistics, some using examples - scares his listeners that they are threatened with the birth of feeble-minded children, family breakdown, heart obesity, cirrhosis of the liver, an accident at work or on the street, a psychiatric hospital or prison. And although all these and many other dangers are by no means exaggerated, they are not absolute, but probabilistic, statistical in nature. And so a person who is especially prone to excesses in drinking alcohol (that is, just the one who has the risk of suffering more) thinks: “Maybe all this is true, but it doesn’t apply to me.” Moreover, when once in a speech by a traffic police officer it was said that every third of the victims of traffic accidents was in a state of intoxication, there were defenders of the green snake, who, either seriously or jokingly, began to prove that it was more dangerous to be sober on the street, since two out of three victims were sober.
LinchevskyE. E., 1982, p. 26.
"Innocent" blackmail is also used (friendly allusions to mistakes, mistakes made by the addressee in the past; playful mention of "old sins" or personal secrets of the addressee).
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From the book Speech and Thinking of a Child the author Piaget Jean§ 8. Orders, requests, threats Why is the number of cases of adapted information so small in relation to egocentric forms of language and, in particular, in relation to collective monologue? The reason is simple. From the very beginning, the child communicates with his own kind
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From the book A Serious Talk About Responsibility [What to do with deceived expectations, broken promises and incorrect behavior] author Patterson CurryDon't Turn Consequences Into Threats There is a fine line between talking about legitimate consequences and threats. Although in many cases the situation is somewhat different. Consequences turn into threats when your motives are dishonest. For example, you want to punish
From the book Teach Yourself to Think! author Buzan TonyTEXTBOOK? SOURCE OF THE THREAT The above episode is humorous, but the conclusions it allows to draw are very serious and significant. On the one hand, the story is inspiring, since the very fact that this problem is familiar to everyone confirms long-standing
From the book 50 exercises for developing manipulation skills author Carré ChristopheExercise 42 Threats and Rewards Which two statements do you think are most effective in the following situation? Circle the correct answer. The father of the family would like his son to behave more boldly. He invites him to jump off the fence of the bridge in a rather
Phrases aimed at intimidation..
Phrases aimed at scaring away..
These are rather short phrases, within one, maximum two sentences. The purpose of the phrase is to create short-term confusion for the aggressor and gain an advantage in resolving the conflict by delivering a preemptive strike (at least) or leaving (at the maximum).
For example, a well-established scare phrase for a gypsy molesting you on the street is the phrase: ʼʼHow is your husband?ʼʼ. Phonetically, the phrase is terrible. If we add to this the semantic (semantic) content of the phrase (as a rule, gypsies have a bad relationship with their husbands), then the phrase instantly ʼʼunsettlesʼʼ.
In case you didn’t leave right away and the harassment continues, you can add the phrase to this: ʼʼEverything beats?ʼʼ
Phonetically and semantically, both phrases contribute to strong confusion, which makes it possible to quickly escape from the conflict.
These phrases, developed empirically, have been repeatedly tested in practice by both us and our friends. Even without taking into account the additional moments associated with tempo, intonation, volume of speech, etc. (paraverbal), the phrases work flawlessly.
To scare off a bully on the street, phrases like: ʼʼShuruy straight ahead, the garbage is already squeezing meʼʼ have proven themselves perfectly. Or: ʼʼListen, you can go where you went or stand where you areʼʼ. Option: ʼʼListen, you can stand where you went or go where you are standingʼʼ.
After such phrases, it is best to quickly hide or, in extreme cases, kick hard in the crotch. In any case, the advantage is yours, as the bully is confused.
In order to besiege an unfairly accusing you, the phrase works perfectly: ʼʼI am much worseʼʼ.
To scare away a boorish visitor, for example, variants of the phrase are suitable:
ʼʼ I have already forgotten your rudeness, be glad, get out, another time I will break ʼʼ;
ʼʼI have already forgotten your rudeness, but I will break it another timeʼʼ;
ʼʼBe glad, get out, another time I’ll tear it upʼʼ.
The phrase ʼʼI will punish, I will punish terribly, shruy from sinʼʼ works flawlessly.
Pretty effective phrases:
ʼʼYou still have forty-six secondsʼʼ;
ʼʼWhat else do you say before leaving, I'm listeningʼʼ;
ʼʼTell me, what is the purpose of your coming?ʼʼ;
ʼʼAnother word - and regrets will torture youʼʼ;
ʼʼAre you leaving already or do I need to listen to you? ʼʼ;
ʼʼThe purpose of your visit is to quarrelʼʼ!ʼʼ;
ʼʼMaybe you will leave anyway?ʼʼ;
ʼʼYour ability to generate hostility is unfathomableʼʼ.
In these cases, the most appropriate after pronouncing the phrase is to break off communication. Perfect option- quickly removed. If you are not on the street next to a bully, then you can turn away sharply.
The impact of the phrase is longer. The goal is to make the bully fear you in the future. As a rule, after such phrases, a person is afraid of you and avoids meeting with you. Classic phrases of this kind are:
ʼʼAnd I'm quite good at spoiling. You will wait for ʼʼ;
ʼʼBut I’m good at spoiling ʼʼ;
ʼʼI will punish you for rudenessʼʼ;
ʼʼBy the way, I’m good at spoiling ʼʼ;
ʼʼI will punish you, I will punish you terribly, do you feel trembling?ʼʼ;
ʼʼ I will destroy your past and future with corruptionʼʼ;
ʼʼI'll break the gillsʼʼ.
By themselves, in meaning, the phrases do not imply a wish for harm. At the same time, they are phonetically quite scary. Naturally, the action is greatly enhanced if the threat of damage is addressed to a person who, at least in general terms, understands what ʼʼ damageʼʼ is.
Phrases aimed at wishing harm in general terms.
These are phrases like: ʼʼI will freeze the vein with horrorʼʼ; ʼʼYou will decompose aliveʼʼ; ʼʼYou will blacken alive from a herniaʼʼ;
ʼʼI’ll liquefy my brains with heatʼʼ;
ʼʼThe worms will devourʼʼ.
These are combinations of similar phrases, for example, a recitative: ʼʼAnd I will punish you for rudeness. I instill fear and terror. You will blacken alive with a hernia. The worms will eat them alive.
This recitative, being phonetically scary and strong, is aimed at hard coding. Its action is comparable to a blow to the head with a shaft. Also well proven phrases:
ʼʼMaybe there is a desire to get disgusted with things, you canʼʼ;
ʼʼYou will see that I will freeze the horror in your veins, you will be like a blackened firebrandʼʼ;
ʼʼOnly by repenting well, you will remove the damage and let you fear the vengeance of the Divineʼʼ;
ʼʼYou will receive terrible tormentʼʼ;
ʼʼYou will turn into a blackened firebrandʼʼ;
ʼʼFeel the hour of Divine vengeanceʼʼ.
These phrases, being terrible in sound, are easy to remember and make people correlate any misfortune or any deterioration in health with the remembered phrase. A healthy person as a result gets a neurosis, and a neurotic exacerbates what he already has.
Phrases aimed at wishing specific harm.
These are phrases like:
ʼʼMaybe there is a desire to feel the heat in the stomach? It's possible;
ʼʼThe stomach will swell and a hernia will turn outʼʼ;
ʼʼSkin irritation will workʼʼ;
ʼʼYou will tear your eyesʼʼ;
ʼʼYou’ll itch, you’re a lousy pig, the skin of your face is already lousyʼʼ;
ʼʼ Once you yell, you will make a herniaʼʼ;
Such phrases contribute to the formation of psychosomatic disorders, especially skin diseases type of eczema.
Phrases aimed at intimidation .. - concept and types. Classification and features of the category "Phrases aimed at intimidation.." 2017, 2018.
Intimidation in education Toddlers are frightened by Baba Yaga and a babayka who "will come and take you away if you misbehave." Among the "formidable figures" you can also often meet "a policeman who will take you to prison" and " doctor who will give an injection ". Other common methods of intimidation are “I’m leaving, but you stay!”, “If you behave like that, I’ll give you to that aunt, I don’t need such a child.” An older child who cannot be handled is often intimidated by the parents themselves: “But the father will come, he will show you!”
This method is often quite effective in specific situations, but by and large does more harm than good. A frightened child often stops behaving badly, but he does it only because fear is truly paralyzing. Without doing the undesirable, he is not able to do the desired, and certainly not able to consciously control his behavior.
Essentially, acting through fear, we Exploiting the child's instincts while the goal of education is to develop conscious behavior. As a result, the child behaves as it should, not because he understands that it is right, he realizes the meaning of this, and not only because he wants to please his mother. He's just afraid.
Of course, the use of intimidation contributes to the development of serious fears in the child and increased anxiety. Children are afraid of the dark , they are terrified of being alone at home, they may manifest a whole bunch of various fears that are not directly related to parental “horror stories”. Not to mention the fact that children, who are periodically frightened by policemen and doctors, do not trust these people. professions, which can have a negative impact in a critical situation.
Is it possible to completely do without intimidation and is there any “healthy” alternative to this?? After all, in our real life there are really a lot of dangers, especially for an inexperienced baby. So without warnings in education, of course, you can not do. Fear is a security mechanism in our psyche, designed to warn us of dangers and risks.
Warning differs from intimidation in that the warning deals with real dangers., and intimidating the child, the parent adds new, imaginary fears and dangers to his world. Being afraid to cross a busy road and being afraid of Babu Yaga are not the same thing.
It is important to talk about the objective negative consequences of the child's behavior. So, for example, the phrase "If you mess around, I'll give you to that policeman over there" is intimidation. And the phrase "If you mess around on the stairs, you can fall from a height and break your arm" is a warning.
The warning also plays on the child's sense of fear, so it is important to be aware that this is done solely in order to save life and health, and not for our own sake. convenience in education . Just ask yourself the question: “Am I scaring the child now because he is really in danger, or because I need him to obey?” In the case of the second answer, it is worth looking for other methods of influence.
However, even when using caution, be very sensitive to the condition and characteristics of the child. Vulnerable, anxious children take various scary pictures very close to their hearts. possible consequences . And if you paint such a child in colors that you can hurt yourself by falling from a height, he may flatly refuse to approach the ladders on the playground at all.
Be careful in choosing words when communicating with a child and do not scare the baby. After all, his rich imagination can give rise to monstrous images in the mind that will
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Sentences with "intimidate"
We found 26 sentences containing the word "intimidate". See also synonyms for "intimidate".
Meaning of the word
- You, in turn, decided, apparently, intimidate
- From that moment on, they stopped bullying me and intimidate.
- That is why he was so skillfully able to persuade, flatter, convince and intimidate others.
- The forces have already become me intimidate so I don't tell Paulo what Mother told me.
- Savchuk built a platoon, began to lament, threaten, intimidate.
- But this does not work with me, therefore, after listening to the male hysteria, I quite calmly said that I was not worth it. intimidate.
- Julian testifies that with the emperor "it was possible to speak freely about everything", he "always preferred to seduce, and not intimidate».
- Over the years of my tenure in this position, I have not developed the main quality for the boss: intimidate surrounding.
- Revolutionary Committee immediately became intimidate an inhabitant of the Makhnovist counterintelligence, about which the most terrible rumors circulated.
- Snowden was very afraid that his girlfriend would be intimidate and that she will be bullied.
- Best skillfully intimidate royal government.
- Now our liberals adore intimidate opponents: “Would you like to be in the Gulag?”.
- In the army, it seemed to me, accepted intimidate.
- The artist-author is not allowed intimidate and limit nothing.
- The government decided intimidate in every possible way, starting from the rod and ending with hard labor.
- When the relationship of the lovers was in full swing, Andreichenko became frankly intimidate.
- Now I’ll order you to decompose. Yes, as soon as I pour you fifty hot ones, so you will forget me as people. intimidate letters!
- Nevertheless, Orlov began intimidate the empress by these corsair detachments.
- Now she's decided intimidate the groom's father, who, according to A.Ya.
- You, in turn, decided, apparently, intimidate A bet with all sorts of horrors about a breakthrough, an aggravation of the situation, and so on.
- However, the Chekists could not intimidate Fedorov, using a different method.
- But I hate once again intimidate patients, if I know that surgery is still indispensable.
- I did not consider the effective work of the Asdics a proven fact and in any case had no intention of letting the British intimidate my people.
- forbade intimidate soldiers, overload them with guard duty.
- Who told you intimidate leader of this group?
- And this is the second important factor treatment, factor intimidate shchy.
Source - introductory fragments of books from LitRes.
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