Psychology of male infidelity. Male psychology of betrayal - reasons, how to determine and whether it is worth forgiving. Videos explaining why men cheat
There is an opinion that adultery is a biological process, which implies the need of a man (husband) to maximize his offspring, by increasing intimate relationships with several women. Cheating for a man is part of his nature, the psychology of behavior. However qualified psychologist Alla Shelgunova does not believe in human biology without psychology.
One cannot deny the other, because offspring can be increased in the family. So why does a man get a mistress and stop being faithful? Man is primarily a spiritual being.
What do you think, from the point of view of psychology, why does cheating occur? What are the reasons behind it?
Cheating starts with a deficit, and the latter comes from a lack of intimacy in a relationship. But if you go deep into the problem, then we can say that everything comes from childhood.
In Freud's concepts there is such a thing as the "oedipal complex". A child between the ages of 3 and 6 must come to terms with the fact that his father is his mother's husband, and he will never take the place of his father. The boy must endure this “rejection” with love and set himself the goal of being like his father, finding himself a wife just like his mother. But there are mothers who believe that: "My main man in my life is my son." They idolize their son, thereby breaking his personality, preventing the "mother's refusal" from going through. Just such men in the future repeat the "oedipal" conflict again and again in a relationship. By classic example they find women-mothers for themselves, while having love relationships on the side, but in fact, they do not find happiness either with their wife or with their mistress and are in a split state.
Is it possible to call treason "accidental relationship"?
Cheating is cheating. As a psychologist, I don't really believe in "accidents". Each case must be analyzed separately. It's one thing when a man lives in this very oedipal triangle and cannot do otherwise. This is a pathology in which deep conflicts, deep layers of personality are involved. But there are other reasons as well. Even more loving husband who values family is capable of such an act. It is important to understand what exactly pushes a person to treason.
Does the criterion of a man's age affect such a phenomenon as treason?
Of course. If an older man is looking for a young lover for a relationship, then this may indicate a fear of old age and aversion to his own aging. Of particular interest is the period of middle age. At this time, a rethinking of his life takes place, so a man finds a woman for himself (often she will be a lover), with whom he finds a new development of himself, although it cannot be argued that this kind of betrayal is an easy step for him.
How should a woman behave when she learns about infidelity?
First of all, she needs to understand what this relationship is for her, what was her contribution to them. I wouldn't blame just one man for not staying true. A woman usually feels that she is being cheated on: physical intimacy disappears, her husband is constantly not at home, he is always “walking” somewhere ... But this does not happen suddenly, the soil usually matures for this.
However, it often happens that cheating can take a couple to a new level. People are rethinking relationships, they become more complete.
Is it possible to avoid betrayal and remain faithful to each other to the end?
I think you can reduce the likelihood of treason. To do this, you need to be honest, open and flexible enough.
It is necessary to give your husband or friend freedom and air: let them be alone, let them spend time with friends. Then there will be growth and interest in the relationship.
It is very important how people initially build relationships. When a person understands that his trust is valued - this is the value, because it is the distrust of a man that can be perceived as a betrayal.
What else is important to know about men and their infidelities?
There are men who are looking for a love relationship, no matter what kind of woman is next to him and how she behaves. Such men realize their masculine essence through the search for constant new mistresses. For them, the number of mistresses in their bed is important. They do not want to build relationships aimed at the family and become a husband. They chose their path of realization in society as a "real man" through constant love relationships with women. Although, from the point of view of psychology, this opinion can be very erroneous. Such men speak freely and enthusiastically about their mistresses, about their number and degree of their attractiveness. It makes no sense to build trusting relationships with such men. To think that he will change his psychology of behavior and soon become a good husband is very naive. But with such a man, you can have an interesting night. Usually, they are good lovers.
If we consider a man, from the point of view family relations, then in most cases, the beloved woman can become the cause of infidelity. All girls at the beginning of a relationship know that men love with their eyes, each of the fair sex tries to be beautiful, always happy, light and attractive. And the longer the relationship lasts, the more girls and women forget about it, and when a man turns into a husband, they are thrown out of their heads altogether.
Women stop wanting to please their man.
As one representative of the fair sex noted in one of the films: “I am his wife, not the day of March 8!” and this idea she expressed for the greater half of the female population. And very in vain.
It is important for a man to receive emotions from a woman at any age, and it doesn’t matter whether he is your husband or just a guy, such is his psychology. It is important for him that the woman next to him be beautiful, well-groomed, always light, with fire in her eyes. A woman should inspire a man.
In our world, a wife is a job. Constant washing, ironing, cleaning, children. This cycle of affairs takes away the main thing from a woman - time for herself. Fortunately, lovely women - it's only your choice how to allocate your time. Ironing will wait, but the beloved man or husband will not.
If your man has taken a mistress on the side - think about what you are doing wrong in the first place and why did this happen to me? What is your appearance? When was the last time you, along with your man, laughed, had sex, or just talked about nothing? Maybe you just drowned in the routine and forgot about your husband, that he is still a man?If yes, then you can fix it! Take care of yourself, your appearance, his development, and your man will sincerely repent and will do everything to make you truly happy.
Remember, relationships always start with you.Male infidelity has always been and will remain a female pain.
What is a woman to do?
Become self-sufficient, sophisticated, beautiful and happy. As a rule, such women are not cheated on, they dream of being with such women. And even if a man has a mistress on the side, such women leave immediately, without pain and resentment. Because she is a real woman, which means her future happiness is in her fragile and tender hands.
This word has many meanings, even within the limits of "treason in a relationship." For some, cheating is that the partner smiles at another person or communicates with the opposite sex. And sometimes we are talking about physical infidelity.
adultery
This is a violation of fidelity in marriage, which means a violation of the obligations that are imposed upon marriage. But opinions on this matter differ, since the concepts of infidelity and its permissibility in marriage differ.
Statistics show: 90% of Russian marriages break up due to infidelity. This puts Russia on a par with the leading countries in adultery.
Despite the fact that women have made significant progress in the establishment of extramarital affairs (41%), men are still in the lead in the number of cheating (59%).
Genetic causes of male infidelity
The prevailing social norms in most countries provide for monogamy in relationships. But from the point of view of scientists, a person is genetically located in the brain individual systems, responsible for desire, attraction and affection.
Cheating with scientific point vision:
- Biologically, the reason why husbands cheat on their wives is due to the influence of dopamine. This “hormone of pleasure”, produced during sex, allows you to experience positive emotions when the substance is released. The hormone is captured by dopamine receptors, which are divided into 5 types. Of all the types - D1, D2, D3, D4 and D5 - D4 is responsible for the tendency to polygamy. If the receptor has the long form of the gene value, the person's propensity to cheat is doubled. By the way, in women, the hormone vasopressin, which is associated with a sense of empathy and affection, is responsible for the tendency to adultery.
- Instinct is another reason. Their purpose is to ensure survival and reproduction. And to fulfill the goal, you need to be able to choose the most healthy partner. It is worth saying that the female and male species have formed completely different evolutionary tactics for finding a partner. The female is extremely selective, and seeks to choose the appropriate genetic partner. And the male is unlimited in choice, because, unlike the female, he can have an unlimited number of children.
In other words, a woman cheats on her partner if she believes that she can have healthier offspring with another. And a man is inclined to accumulate partners, since he is not biologically disposed to abandon women. That is, men are polygamous to the same extent as women.
Male betrayal: psychology
Sometimes - if a man is so arranged and brought up - no reason is required for betrayal. But in any case, betrayal signals that in And most often there is a reason. Consider the main ones:
- Mismatch of partners in sexual preferences. People do not always think about it, but if the sexual need of one partner is several times a month, and the other needs frequent intimate contact, disagreements between spouses are inevitable. When there are problems with the wife sexual relations, a man can give out his energy on the side. In this case, extramarital affairs do not have an emotional attachment and are based more on a physiological need.
- Diversity. When a couple lives together for a long time and bright feelings give way to measured family life, some of the partners may become bored in marriage. Especially if there is no joint search for something new in the relationship. In such cases, betrayal is a desire for adventure, for changes that could diversify a man's life.
- Alcohol is another common reason for cheating. In a state of intoxication, people are much more likely to make forbidden contact, even if principles previously did not allow them.
- Low self-esteem. Sometimes a man marries because he has complexes and wants to look self-sufficient and serious. The wife gives him importance in the eyes of society. And sometimes this is not enough. Seeing that other men acquire not only families, but also mistresses, a person dependent on public opinion can succumb to influence for fear of being different from others. The situation is dangerous because a man is not able to cope with the eternal fear of looking like a loser. In such cases, it is difficult to do without the help of a specialist, such as a psychologist-hypnologist. Baturin Nikita Valerievich
- Self-affirmation: suitable for those men who experience difficulties with a career, and are trying to compensate for this lack of success in the love sphere.
- Falling in love: if feelings for your wife have faded, you don’t want a divorce, and a new object has attracted attention, betrayal is difficult to avoid.
- Female obsession: sometimes, even knowing the marital status of a man, women continue to seek his attention, and it can be difficult for a not particularly principled man to resist.
- Revenge: a spouse may commit adultery in a state of anger, resentment, or a desire to avenge the humiliation experienced, hurt pride or infidelity of his wife.
- Business trip: left alone, a man may not be able to endure a long separation and find a replacement. Temporary forced loneliness is a test for someone, but for someone it is a real reason for adultery.
- Lifestyle: In the case of a successful career, a man may consider the opportunity to have a mistress a “reward”.
Is every man capable of change?
As studies show, it is not necessary at all. But there are certain types of people who are prone to extramarital affairs.
As a rule, if a man is satisfied with the relationship, there is no reason to change. But there are types of people who cannot be faithful to one partner:
- Actively interested in the opposite sex in all its diversity. This type of man is not subject to re-education. The priority for such a man will be a wife who is unable or does not want to pay attention to his adventures. The main thing for him in marriage is comfort, homeliness and freedom of action. Such a "lovelace" does not know how to suppress animal instincts, and does not see the point in depriving himself of pleasure. Also, he does not bother to select an extramarital partner, because he prefers to change them often. Upbringing plays an important role in the formation of such a type.
- Weak-minded - do not control the situation, as they easily give in to hobbies, and often fall under the influence of a mistress with a stronger character. As a result of her manipulation under pressure, they can even get a divorce.
Propensity to cheat on the sign of the zodiac
It is impossible to calculate with accuracy how much depending on the date of birth. Depending on the circumstances, anyone is capable of cheating. But you can make assumptions based on the character traits of a particular zodiac sign, and identify possible reasons cheating:
- Aries are not adventurous on the side if they are enough in family life. This energetic sign needs a strong partner in official relationships, otherwise the passion for someone bright and interesting can happen on the side. Aries compares a legitimate object with an unexplored one for a long time, and it is better if the comparison is in favor of the first.
- Infidelity is not in the nature of calves. By virtue of their earth sign, such people are capable of committing treason for the sake of any material benefits or in case of bad official relations. In a good marriage, Taurus avoid unnecessary romances, preferring family values.
- Gemini cannot be described as a permanent sign due to their changeable nature, hot temperament and love of adventure. The owners of this sign are extremely sociable and rarely refuse the possibility of flirting, but only resentment and a desire for revenge can serve as a serious reason for betrayal.
- Lions are distinguished by devotion and attraction to creating a family. However, if this does not work out, the lion can have several partners at once. This royal sign is distinguished by its special charisma and masculinity, so the lack of attention in official relations can become the basis for treason. Also, the lion is very demanding: if he does not see a strong, feminine and faithful half nearby, which would meet all his conditions, he is unlikely to stop at one partner.
- Virgo rarely cheats, as she respects herself and her choice of partner. However, if the other half is systematically upsetting and disappointing, there is a chance that the virgin will find solace on the side.
- Libras are romantics, and more often dream about something than realize it in practice. The main danger in relations with scales is misunderstanding, which significantly alienates them from their partner.
- Scorpios are usually faithful in marriage, despite all their sexuality. It's all about feelings here. If a scorpion really loves, there is nothing to fear. Serious reasons for concern are lies, since the scorpion does not accept this, as well as the lack of mutual understanding, close spiritual and physical connection.
- Sagittarius is not distinguished by constancy, as a fan of "extreme" and a lover of new experiences. Therefore, this sign needs a person who can always surprise him. And, of course, the Sagittarius will not tolerate restrictions in their freedom.
- Capricorns are practical, hardworking, rarely change. For example, if we are talking about profit. However, in a family with a Capricorn, divergences may begin if the spouses do not have a common goal, or the Capricorn is not satisfied with the material wealth of the second half. This problem is always fixable.
- Aquarians are stable and do not like changes in relationships. However, they also want something new from time to time. In the event that the second half has completely ceased to suit Aquarius, most likely this will lead to a complete break.
- Pisces: a zodiac sign that will not cheat without love. Pisces does not tend to change physically - more often it happens emotionally, in the form of communication with someone, if the main relationship leaves much to be desired. This sign is inclined to withdraw into its imaginary world, and is able to be content with some signs of attention of the opposite sex, not necessarily leading to treason.
Signs of male infidelity
In case of suspicion and doubt, there are signs that will help you understand if there is a cause for concern. But it should be borne in mind that not all methods are reasoned and are an exact guarantee of going “to the left”.
- Sudden love for work. If the husband began to linger at regular meetings, regularly go on business trips, actively participate in corporate events - this is a reason to think.
- A sudden change in habits often coincides with a change in the object of passion. And if a ring periodically disappears from the spouse’s finger, which he forgets to put on every time, this is another reason to doubt his fidelity.
- Telephone. A wife may suspect cheating if the husband does not release the phone from his hands and has set a lock. Moreover, he tries to print messages furtively, hiding the text from his wife, and prefers not to answer calls in the presence of his wife.
- Problems with transport - it began to take too much time to fix breakdowns in the car. Or the sink has become too far from home, and now it takes more time to get to the road.
- Sudden interest in one's appearance. If the husband began to visit the gym, perhaps he had an external motivation. Sudden love for beautiful costumes, new accessories will look suspicious. Especially if the partner suddenly fell in love with cleanliness, and began to take a shower immediately after coming home - perhaps this is done in order to hide someone else's, which has become a permanent smell.
- Lack of sex. If there is less and less of him in the relationship, it is likely that his spouse has more and more on the side. The emergence of new positions in bed can also cause questions that it will be difficult for him to answer.
- Accidentally pronounced someone else's name, new jokes, manner of expression, constantly changing mood - this is typical for a person in love who transfers the behavior of the object of feelings to himself. The spouse can suddenly become very thoughtful, or too often shows a positive attitude, similar to ostentatious. It is worth observing the behavior of a partner, since signs of betrayal are very noticeable if the husband is trying not to get caught.
- Increasing financial costs for unknown reasons. It would seem that nothing has changed in income, and in the case of a holiday or other event involving spending, the wallet is not too crowded. However, in this case, it is possible that the spouse is preparing some kind of surprise - a trip to the sea, an impressive gift, and the excitement is in vain.
Even the presence of one of the signs is not necessarily a guarantee of deception in a relationship. You should not so much look for signs of infidelity as take care that the man is comfortable in the family and trust intuition.
Why do husbands cheat, but do not want to leave the family?
- unwillingness to divide property and pay alimony;
- love for children - he does not want to deprive their father;
- remorse and desire to make amends;
- he is satisfied with a combination of factors such as the family hearth and relationships on the side.
If in the case of the latter option, restoring relations is a serious problem, then in the first three cases, the wife should think about how to
When a woman finds out about infidelity, her first reaction is tears, scandal, threats, and rarely anyone knows how to restrain himself and behave with dignity. And it’s completely in vain: in this case, it is important to think it over and try to remove all unnecessary emotions, step back from the situation and evaluate it from the outside. Sometimes it is impossible to fully recover from a blow, and it takes time to restore a healthy psychological state and the help of specialists is required.
Do not get hung up on the thought of treason, no matter how strange it may sound. To calm down, it is worth trying to repeat “yes, I changed” many times, and from a dramatic situation it will become absurd, and allow emotions to take control.
It is necessary to analyze your own behavior and understand what can be changed in yourself so that the husband understands that his wife deserves better attitude and worthy of respect and love. In this case, it is necessary to clarify everything with each other, to discuss what can be done so that the spouse can make amends and not need an extramarital relationship. Relationship work should always be collaborative. You should not shy away from sex, you need to diversify your intimate life in order to return vivid feelings. If the husband wants to make amends, give him the opportunity to correct himself.
If the feelings indicate that the relationship is in the past, and the spouse cannot be forgiven for his mistakes, there is no point in trying to save the relationship and keep the marriage. It is better to give each other a chance for new feelings and a future.
People are much less likely to commit adultery if they communicate, share emotions and feelings, try to resolve emerging conflicts and find time to spend time together. In a world of accessibility, permissiveness, it is important to remain faithful to the principles, and a sense of true love.
Today on the agenda is a very important question: "Why do men cheat on their wives, but do not leave?" This causes serious scandals and rupture of relations. It is very difficult to survive, understand and forgive, it is even more difficult to start a relationship from scratch, without looking back at what happened. Today we will talk about the causes of adultery. This will help you to see the harbingers of trouble and take action in time. In fact, betrayal is not the end of a relationship, you just need to find the strength in yourself for a frank conversation and the desire to go through this difficult period together.
Relationships in the family
When young people get married, it seems to them that happiness will last forever. But a year passes, then another, petty quarrels accumulate, the first disappointments appear. The partner no longer looks so perfect. for a man, the feeling of a quiet, safe harbor, a reliable berth is important. This is an explanation of why men cheat on their wives, but not - this is stability, special status, reliability, warmth and comfort of the hearth. And a mistress is an adventure, which is so good that it ends. To go to her means to break your life and start building anew, from scratch. At the same time, a man understands that, having become a wife, his mistress will lose the special charm that is so attractive today.
Cheating is a complex phenomenon that can have many causes. Often a man does not stop loving his wife, he still wants a relationship with her. He diligently hides the connection on the side, is ashamed of her, but cannot resist the temptation. Let's look at the main reasons why men cheat on their wives, but do not leave.
Expert opinion
One of the very first reasons experts call physiology. Men are polygamous by nature, they crave sexual diversity and a large number of partners. Society taboos such desires, promoting marital fidelity, but instincts This explains why men cheat on their wives, but do not leave. They have a biologically programmed need to leave as many offspring as possible, and for this you need to have many partners. But this is not the only reason. According to Western sociologists, 99% of adultery is committed simply because of the banal boredom, the monotony of life. There are a number of other reasons that push a man to do this, we will talk about them later.
Major changes
A familiar situation. Before marriage, a woman came on dates with a perfect haircut, manicure, watched her diet and weight, and now she walks around the house in a stretched T-shirt. This is especially true for those couples where the woman does not work. Housewives are more prone to depression due to monotony and home routine, and for a man there is nothing worse than coming home, where a woman in a worn dressing gown is sitting gloomy, like a cloud. Of course, family relationships play a big role. The psychology of people is such that the more attention one person pays to another, the more warmth and affection he receives in return. Therefore, if a man, instead of looking for entertainment on the side, will often say compliments, invite his wife on dates and give gifts, the more likely he is to see again the radiance of loving eyes, a romantic dinner and a new dress on his beloved.
Nobody understands me
Indeed, very often men who cheat on their wives say that they do not understand them. But in fact, it sounds strange, as if a woman would be able to fully unravel his mysterious nature from the first meeting. The thing is that you need to patiently build relationships in the family. The psychology of people is such that only primary love is given to us in advance, due to a hormonal surge. Then you have to make efforts for true love to come. To do this, you need to learn to communicate, listen and hear, solve problems within the family, pronounce everything that does not suit you. Then you don't have to look for consolation on the side.
Excitement, risk, feeling of novelty
The psychology of a changing man is such that he feels like a hunter at this moment. Ancient instincts wake up, a pleasant feeling of danger and violation of the ban. All this tickles the nerves, excites the imagination, gives amazing sensations. It is akin to drug intoxication: when the fuse passes, you want to return it. However, sensations are dulled and you need to look for something new, brighter, and so on ad infinitum. A happy family is one in which spouses are able to find new sensations within their own relationship.
Relationships need to be worked on
Psychologists believe that every woman can support a spark of passion in a family. In addition, this is her direct task. This is necessary not only for men, monotony and everyday life are detrimental to both partners. New underwear and clothes in a woman's wardrobe should appear regularly, the man who, without providing for his family, demands that his wife be well-groomed is bad. And you can come up with a lot of ways to revive the former passion. Invite your spouse to a rented apartment, leaving the children in the care of their grandmother. Believe me, a happy family is worth the effort. Romantic dinner and erotic massage, signs of attention - these are all tools that can be used to "prevent" cheating. But psychologists say that there is the most important and reliable remedy: before entering the house after work, stop for a minute. You need to take a deep breath and exhale at least 5 times, while mentally saying goodbye to work, current problems and worries. Imagine the image of your beloved man, and the way you saw him in the happiest moments of your life. Do you want there to be more such moments? Try to feel again the feelings that you experienced then, smile and enter the house.
Cheating without explanation
The psychology of a cheating man is quite complex. Sometimes he himself cannot explain why he is so drawn to the left. It seems that there are no obvious prerequisites, everything is fine at home, but still he stubbornly spends time and money looking for new relationships. Perhaps he got married too early, and it seems to him that he has not yet had time to work up. Or the call of ancient instincts forces him again and again to take the path of a hunter and gatherer. In any case, women can recognize such a "macho" even at the beginning of a relationship. Just watch how he behaves outdoors and indoors, where there are a lot of beautiful women. If even now, when there is an ardent passion between you, he still tries to hit on other young ladies, then it will only get worse.
Just sex
As already mentioned, men are polygamous by nature. It is not so important what a woman's figure is - if she appears naked in front of a man every day, then she ceases to excite him. This object has been conquered, it's time to move on. Not all researchers agree with this statement, but nevertheless, many adhere to this particular point of view. If a man is monogamous, it is only because he realizes that friendship and love are more important things than a casual relationship on the side.
What is the purpose of cheating
Why do men cheat? For them, sex and love are two big differences. A man can love his wife and have sexual relations with other females. More often these are not permanent, but one-time meetings. This separation of love and sex allows a man to easily change and not experience Although the latter is in question. Guilt appears later and is not due to the fact of sex itself, but possible consequences. What happens if the wife finds out? Will a random passion haunt him? And there is also a risk of catching one of the sexually transmitted diseases. There is a chance that, having weighed well all that he received from his adventure, the man will forever become a monogamous family man. In order not to be too late, even before you go on a date, imagine the worst possible scenario. For example, your random girlfriend will tell her wife what happened. The fact of treason, presented in this way, is very difficult to survive. Is it worth it?
Rights and obligations of the parties
It is very interesting to know how many percent of men change. Various sources report figures from 70 to 90% of the entire male population of the Earth. Impressive, isn't it? It has to do with men in sex. It is much higher than that of women. In addition, the load on the fine floor is very high. A woman works at work, performs a large number of household chores, taking care of children. As a result, very tired in the evening. You do not have the strength for intimacy, and your husband, bored at the computer, stares to the left? Obviously, the problem has matured so much that it is time to solve it. Sit down at the negotiating table. A man complains about the lack of sex? Well, write down on paper all your duties related to home, family, children, and offer him to take exactly half. Ask if he agrees with the prospect of fully providing for the family so that you are at home and have time to complete the home work front by the time he arrives? Divide all the hardships of the family burden in half, and both will feel better.
How to understand that a man is cheating
Actually, it's not difficult at all. Just watch your soulmate every day. If a man begins to regularly stay late at work, vaguely explaining the reasons, he often has things to do on weekends, and even on holidays there are urgent assignments, then you should take a closer look. Does he carry his phone everywhere, does he go to another room if he gets a call, does he get nervous if you pick up the phone? All this indirect signs that he has something to hide. Analyze your budget, does it have more unplanned expenses?
What to do if a man cheats
Rolling scandals and quarrels is useless, even if you are 100% sure that you are right in your suspicions. Another mistake would be to try to find his mistress and see who he traded you for, or take revenge. Often decides to also change in revenge - this step is also better to postpone. So far, you only need one thing - to speak out, to work out your emotions. For this, a friend or a professional psychologist is suitable. Only after experiencing the first shock, you can think about what decision to make. Divorce is not always the best way out; in some cases, you can survive the betrayal and continue the relationship. The help of a family psychologist will not be superfluous.
Summing up
We examined the main causes of treason. Now you know how many men cheat on their wives. The statistics are ruthless, it puts almost the entire male population on the list of womanizers. In fact, this is not so, most of them, just like women, value their relationships and are not ready to risk them for the sake of a momentary hobby. In any case, forewarned is forearmed. If you have an idea about the causes and signs of adultery, then you will do everything possible to avoid it.
You suspected your husband of infidelity. Tried different ways find out the truth. And everything was confirmed. So what to do? How to be now? Psychologist Galina Artemyeva talks about how best to behave when she learns about her husband's infidelity.
Remember the song: “I took off my jacket decisively thrown over, I had enough strength to seem proud, I said to him:“ All the best ”..."
First: do not rush to decisively take off your jacket. Cool down and think. Well, let's think together. It turned out that you lived with a traitor. But you lived! Even quite a long time. And nothing! Well, be patient, cool down. Repeat, repeat to yourself: "Yes, he cheated! Yes, he cheated!" Well - let's repeat a hundred times, until the most ridiculous becomes. (Definitely will, but not so soon!)
Second: let's admit to ourselves that nothing like this has happened yet. Everybody is alive? Alive! Even healthy! There is a place to live, there is something to eat. Already good. Well, an extraneous dirty trick has flown into your life. So now? Shoot yourself? Let's learn to take a hit! Let's rake this dirty trick into a pile and throw it in the trash. And that's it! Forgot. And do not dare to grind in your poor head the words from the found letter of the husband addressed to another: “I love you, you are my only wife, my cross (just think, right? Well, bastard!), She poisons my life, only with you I'm happy..."
Third: Tell yourself exactly what you want. Do you want everything to return, and be good, calm, peaceful? Is it possible! And it's up to you.
There are things that you cannot afford if you want a peaceful life with your husband: total surveillance and verification, as well as constant inquiring about your mistress and comparing yourself with her. It is completely meaningless, it is finally humiliating and unbearable.
If you want to get divorced, realizing that you are not able to bear the revealed truth, remember one thing: it will not get easier. The pain in any case will be erased by time, but this will not happen soon. Why does everything have to be resolved through divorce? Who will you do better by deciding to break up? Lover - definitely! Yourself? You decide.
Fourth: you can demand from the husband the termination of any relationship with his mistress. If he goes for it and tries to establish a family atmosphere, try not to poison your life with him with reproaches and scandals. After all, he chose you. What else do you need?
Fifth: reconsider your attitude to marital intimacy. Diversify your sex life, in any case do not shy away from sex.
Sixth: distribute responsibilities around the house, let the husband activate his participation in family affairs.
Seventh: clearly discuss the distribution of family funds.
Eighth: if the husband refuses to break up with his mistress, continue her relationship, it makes sense to decide on a breakup warning. Only seriously, not blackmailing, not playing. If the husband understands the seriousness of your decision, if his family is still dear to him, he may end the extramarital relationship.
A lot depends on you. The choice is yours. The main thing is to make a decision with a cool head. Don't let your confused feelings drive you into reckless action.
There are some elementary truths that unwitting (or potential) participants in a love triangle (well, if not a polygon) are simply obliged to learn. They need to know better than the rules traffic for the sake of mental health and physical health, work capacity and self-respect.
- Your idea of a husband is not a husband at all.
- If you began to perceive your husband as an unchanging part home interior, know: it is quite possible that there are places where he plays other roles with pleasure, and at home he rests after stormy love games, perceiving you as a little thing necessary in his household.
- By leaving, you do not acquire a husband for life use.
- The life of every person, including your legal spouse, belongs primarily to him. Everyone has the right to make a mistake. And to realize this mistake too. It depends on you what exactly your husband will consider a mistake - a marriage relationship with you or a love affair on the side.
- If you find that your husband is cheating on you, try to keep your sanity first. Determine for yourself honestly and directly what you want in this situation. Possible options are usually as follows:
- I want to break off relations immediately and part forever, forgetting him like a bad dream;
- I want to be together, to forgive everything and that everything be as before;
- I don’t want to part and I can’t, but I dream of taking revenge on him for the pain he caused;
- I will stay with him out of principle so that my mistress does not emerge victorious;
- I need to review the past, understand what my own delusions were, and not let the situation destroy me.
There is no best option, there is an option that suits you best. Choose. But with a clear head, in accordance with the goal you are striving for. So that you don't regret it later.
Just take into account the law of life: nothing destroys us like a thirst for revenge, so options c) and d) can be dangerous for your physical and mental well-being. Revenge on the guilty (if they are guilty) will be carried out, believe me, without your participation. Because evil will return to its creators. But not when you crave it, but much later. You need to relax, thinking about yourself and your own, only yours, tasks and their solutions.
- Maintain dignity. Having learned about the betrayal, in no case do not try to communicate with your mistress, expose her, collect facts discrediting her everywhere. Be taller. Let at the cost of incredible internal efforts. Not for the sake of a husband or the opinions of strangers about you. For your own sake. To then respect yourself for the strength of mind and firmness of character.
- If you have found it possible for yourself to remain married to an unfaithful husband, forgive him completely and irrevocably. Do not engage in constant joking, do not reproach, do not remind of the past, do not sting. Otherwise, you will make your husband very, very sorry that he still stayed.
We must be able to show nobility. This is a feat. But if you have consciously decided to save your family, work for the good of its restoration. (Restoring, we note, is always more difficult than destroying.)
- Do not try to find an immediate replacement for your husband, to repay him with the same coin. Any of us can, if necessary, find a random partner. Only he will not be a consolation. If we were pushed into a dirty puddle, we must quickly get out of it, wash off the dirt and forget. But entering into casual relationships is tantamount to the fact that you will jump from one mud, where you did not of your own free will, into another mud, assuring yourself that you are thereby taking revenge on the first puddle.
- Focus on your health. Women who have deeply experienced the pain of betrayal often fall ill precisely female diseases- this is how the body reacts to humiliation and resentment. You owe it to yourself to survive, to stay healthy and attractive. Make every effort to be in public, distract from gloomy thoughts.
- Whatever you decide: to be together or to leave, try to remain friends. This is the most fruitful, wise and true direction of thought and action. Even if at first friendship with a traitor is impossible to imagine.
At some point a year and a half ago, my husband changed beyond recognition: from a person who adored me and blew dust off me, he turned into a quarrelsome person who found fault with me and the children for all the little things. Every day there were scandals in the house. He accused me of everything: a bad wife, mother, you don’t stand like that, you don’t lie like that. A year and a half later, I found out that all this time he had love for another woman.
Is it normal to cheat at the age of 60+ and leave the family for mistresses 20 years younger? My story is about this. I read a lot of topics about cheating. Basically they write that a man leaves if something does not suit him. My ex-husband He said that he always loved me, very much, but it happened. It's not my fault that I'm so amorous.
My husband and I have known each other since the age of 15, we lived in the same yard. We started dating in 2002, everything was great, love, romance. In 2009 they got married, a couple of years later a beautiful daughter was born. And then it began, I went all into a child, I often quarreled with my husband. Then I found his correspondence with his student (he is a driving instructor), he wrote to her: what was between us, let it remain between us, you are a student, and I am your teacher.
We had lunch, talked, laughed, celebrated a bright holiday, my husband lay down on the sofa in the living room, I stayed in the kitchen for a laptop. We practically have a kitchen-living room, the sofa is visible. I saw on the screen of his phone (he was texting) cute emoticons, became interested, came closer, behind his back, he did not see me. A couple of phrases of correspondence were enough to understand that I did not escape the fate of a deceived wife - “pleasant memories” were remembered. The earth is gone from under the feet, the state of passion is real
Good day to all. A question about the betrayal of a loved one. Has your significant other ever cheated on you? Did you forgive it or broke up? I’ve been dating a guy for three years. He confessed to cheating. He repents very much, he says he was drunk and didn’t understand anything. I don’t want to part with him, I love him. But resentment is eating me from the inside. what has your loved one changed for you?
My husband left me, 3 months ago he just left home and that's it. No explanation...From social network on his page I found out that he now has the status of a divorced person, there is a girl who calls him none other than her beloved ... But what should I do? How should I be, I lived with him for 10 years in marriage.
My husband and I are 56 years old, we have been married for 30 years, we have two children, a daughter of 29 years and a son of 22 years. In principle, they lived all these years not bad, although there was everything, but in general, the marriage can be called good. And here comes the trouble. In June, I found out that my husband was cheating on me, did not love me and wanted to get a divorce. That in April he met a girl at work and fell in love and wants to be with her.
The wife accidentally found out about her husband's infidelity. He didn't deny it. In his words, the betrayal was a one-time affair, drunk, so to speak, but at the same time, in one of the social networks, he discussed his wife with his mistress (he was tired of everyday life, became boring, etc.). Initially there was a position, and what is it? I'm not going to leave the family, so I don't see a problem.
I often read here that those whose husband has cheated are advised not to dwell on this and live on if you want to save your family ... My husband had an affair, he says that everything is over THERE, he wants to be with me and the children, loves , cares, gives gifts, etc... I love him... BUT I can't stop thinking about cheating
The husband, the father of my child, said that he fell in love with another woman and was leaving. A couple of months ago, I was glowing with happiness. When I went to work after maternity leave, I answered questions about my husband that I have the BEST HUSBAND in the world and God forbid everyone like that. After seven years of living together, we continued to hold hands, caress each other, like romantics kissed in a car at traffic lights and in elevators. Now I'm ready to die, but the thought of a child brings me to my senses.
Suddenly I caught myself thinking that I want to do something to spite him. For example, lose weight. Or hang out on a dating site. Or take a lover. What is this, a desire for revenge? Is it worth it to go for it? Will it get easier?
Cheating is like a knife in the heart - a shock that is difficult to come to terms with and difficult to live with. Many are completely afraid to build relationships, as if insuring themselves in case of male infidelity. Or, as people say, there is no person - there is no problem. “If life is such that any man cheats, then let me be alone!”- they think and deprive themselves of one of the most pleasant joys of life - a relationship with a loved one.
All men cheat on their wives- a common phrase that even became the basis for one of the songs. Is it really? Does every man cheat on his beloved? Or is there still "not like that"? How to recognize a traitor, a reveler and a conqueror of women's hearts? And most importantly, why does a man cheat?
The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan will help to consider this issue in detail.
Why a man cheats: psychology
The mental core of a man is the desire to possess a woman. However, on the human level of relationships, men need more than just sex. They need feelings, emotions, special experiences, and they strive to get all this from one woman - beloved and desired. Therefore, the message that any man loves to cheat and will do it anyway is wrong.
Yet male infidelity is not uncommon. Need to figure out why they happen?
Psychology reveals all the features of behavior, response and following one's desires. If you understand how the male psyche works, then it is easy to figure out who is in front of you - a traitor and a rogue or a devoted and faithful chosen one.
Psychology of male betrayal: I want something new
In fact, only some men are prone to treason. The desire for constant change, the craving for something new - these are the properties that nature has endowed people with a skin vector. The primary desire for change and novelty is always realized in society, that is, in the profession, type of activity.
Skin vector men are agile and flexible, they easily adapt to any changes, have engineering thinking and constantly strive to implement it. They make excellent engineers, designers, leaders, lawmakers.
If the social realization of these properties is suppressed and there is no way to satisfy one's desires in society - to introduce something new, to go forward, to achieve high rank(that is, status in society), only then, unconsciously, a man begins to look for options to realize this desire in a relationship.
They are the ones who like to experiment, try new positions and new places for sex, they can leaf through the Kama Sutra and similar literature in search of something new that they have not tried yet.
After all, novelty gives them a lot of pleasant sensations and experiences, they strive to experience these sensations themselves and deliver the same pleasant experiences to their partner. So through this language of new ways of doing “it”, the partner is trying to take care of his woman and freshen up in life together and feelings.
If, in a family or with his beloved, a man cannot get satisfaction of his desires (a woman does not understand this passion of his and is not ready to experiment, change something in sexual relations), in this case, betrayal may occur: her desire for novelty in sexual relations a man can sell "on the side."
What to do if the skin husband is cheating? Help him realize his inner desires. Don't scold or blame him for coming home late from work, but make some exciting changes in your life that both of you will enjoy. This may be the beginning of a new round in your relationship.
Gray hair in a beard - a demon in a rib: a husband cheats in adulthood
Men with an anal vector - homebodies and good family men - can also cheat on their wives. Most often this happens at a more mature age. Having overcome a certain age barrier, which is often defined as a midlife crisis, a man begins to overestimate what he has received from life and what he would like.
Men with an anal vector always try to do everything honestly, they appreciate quality. However, their slowness, indecision and tendency to postpone things from time to time often cause a reaction of indignation in the spouse. “Yes, what kind of husband is this, all he needs is to sit at home! What a slow one! And he needs to be repeated several times!”- the best family man and the most faithful man often hear reproaches addressed to him.
And he understands that at home his own wife does not have due respect for him. Namely, respect and recognition of his merits is what a man with an anal vector needs. And in family life, he receives less of this. And if suddenly there is a woman who is able to highly appreciate his personal qualities, who begins to understand him and show interest in him, then it is possible that the most faithful and devoted husband with an anal vector will change, even feeling guilty.
As a rule, such a man, if he appears, then has one mistress, to whom he becomes attached for a long time. Novelty and any changes for him are stressful. And therefore, entering into a relationship with a new, unfamiliar partner, a man with an anal vector can fail. He needs a permanent relationship with a permanent partner, whom he knows and is used to.
If a woman determines the anal vector in her husband, she will also build relationships in accordance with these properties. When building a relationship with a husband, it is worth thinking about what he gets in a relationship, are his properties and desires realized? What can and should be changed in marriage and in relationships in a couple so that the union becomes happy and fulfilling for both?
The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains in detail the secret of building strong and lasting relationships. This is an emotional relationship based on trust, the ability to talk with each other on the most intimate topics, on the discussion of how we would like to see your common future.
Why a man cheats: the psychology of polygamy
As mentioned above, men are monogamous, but there is a certain percentage of men who are polygamous by nature (this is 1-2% approximately). These are men - leaders, owners of the urethral vector, their natural properties are special. For such a person, the life of the pack (society) is paramount, he is ready to give his own life so that the pack continues life. The polygamy of such men is determined by nature: if there are women who are free, not married and can give birth, such a man will enter into relationships with them. This most often cannot be called betrayal, since a man does not “change” one partner for another, he is ready to protect them all and give them what they need.
The behavior of a man with a urethral vector is due to unconscious mechanisms, the desire to do everything so that humanity continues on.
The psychology of a happy marriage
Psychology male cheating multifaceted - just like the human psyche. To understand why a man cheats, you need to understand his properties, features, determine the natural aspirations and desires.
A woman who understands the mental characteristics of her husband will build relationships in such a way that his aspirations and desires are satisfied and realized, she will create a strong emotional connection, strive to ensure that their marriage brings happiness to both.
“... I went to the training for this result, precisely for this. It was the last chance for our family. She walked and did not believe. I just decided to try to clear my conscience. In general, it so happened that my relationship with my husband went wrong. After a bright-ardent love, exactly two years later, we cooled off towards each other. He became indifferent to me in every way. And I began to hate him. Because he took it all away from me. We lived like neighbors in a communal apartment. The case was heading for divorce. I was the initiator.
Training. And then the results came. Don't ask me how is it? I do not know. Now, after 16 years together, we breathe each other. I wanted to write that our Honeymoon. But no. Now the feelings are so deep that I could not even imagine that this could be between people who have known each other for many years ... "
You can learn how to build relationships with your husband at Yuri Burlan's free online training "System Vector Psychology".
The article was written using the materials of Yuri Burlan's online training "System-Vector Psychology"
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