Why do we seek the approval of others. Approval of others
Why do so many of us tend to overreact to criticism? Such a reaction signals a serious addiction that we have fallen into. This addiction is different from alcohol or drugs. For those suffering from such an addiction, there are no programs to help get rid of this scourge, nor rehabilitation centers that conduct a course of rehabilitation and purification of the blood of patients from various toxic substances. It can be called approval addiction or “praise addiction.” Moreover, for children it is completely normal - to grow through the praise, support of parents, but when we become adults and spiritually mature people, this turns into a real illness, we begin to live in slavery to someone else's opinion.
Dependence on the evaluation of others can take various forms. If we are offended by the not enthusiastic statements of other people addressed to us, we probably suffer from this addiction. If we have made it a rule to compare ourselves with other people, if we rejoice at the insignificant victories won over them in the daily bustle, we are enslaved by this addiction. If we are haunted by a sense of our own insignificance or mediocrity, or we envy other people's successes, all the signs of illness are present. If we are trying to pose as important people, this addiction has probably taken root in our soul. And if we are worried about the loss of respect in the eyes of someone who finds that we are dependent on someone else's approval - then do not go to a fortuneteller, so everything is clear.
Like all other dependent people, being in despair, the praise lover will stop at nothing to get the next “dose”. However, like other patients of this kind, he soon realizes that the effect of one dose does not last forever, and he has to seek new approval.
To whom do I belong? God or this world? The things we worry about daily may suggest that the world owns us, much more than God.
“Do not love the world, nor what is in the world: whoever loves the world does not have the love of the Father in him. For everything that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not from the Father, but from this world. And the world is passing away, and its lust, but he who does the will of God abides forever.” (1 John 2:15-17)
The alternative to this dependence can be a life that we have always lacked - a life free from other people's opinions. The ace of life in gratitude can be considered the one who has mastered the art of not depending on the opinions of critics. One who lives in the grace of freedom in the face of those who judge our lives and evaluate our actions. Agree, you need to have great courage and really be a person not of this world in order to free yourself from this addiction, to seek not “worldly” fame and focus on “fashion”, but to have your own clear positions, to have your own head to think, have your heart to love, and all this despite all circumstances.
We are talking about the very freedom that the apostle Paul spoke of to one of his critics:
“It means very little to me how you judge me or how other people judge me; I don't judge myself either. … The Lord is my judge.”
Surely you yourself felt how great it is when we are free from self-accusations, free from other people's opinions about us, when we can be ourselves - tension disappears inside, and we are able to soar above all the fuss of the modern world. Paul, appealing not to take someone else's opinion to heart, declared that it "means very little." This does not mean that one should go to the other extreme and not listen to anyone at all, always do everything in one's own way, or even "for evil". Paul was not completely indifferent to what other people thought of him, but this did not matter to him. The same applies to us, we, too, should not care at all what impression we make on the people around us, especially if we want to somehow influence them and testify to them about life with God. But criticisms should not rock our boat, they should not piss us off and control our lives. The basis of balance and good mental well-being should be the approval of the highest court: "My judge is the Lord." Sometimes it's hard to be honest and sincere because you worry a lot about what others will think. And, putting on another mask, you try not to stand out and be normal, like everyone else. But by doing so, we hide our "true self", part with our uniqueness, exchanging the treasures of our soul to merge with the crowd, to become one of the millions. As a result, we allow popular culture to control our behavior, we no longer decide anything even in our own lives, let alone have any positive impact on the world or even our immediate environment. And worst of all, we do not allow God to direct our lives, because it is our uniqueness, our peculiarity - this is the part of the original soul that is most capable of interacting with God, and in a special way, in a way that no one else can.
Often we consider spiritual practice as a set of certain tools, such as prayer, meditation, study of the Word, fasting, but in doing so, we greatly narrow the world of our relationship with God. In fact, there can be an infinite number of ways to God, and each person can build relationships with the Creator in a special way, bringing Him special joy, such that no one else can. Imagine that there are twelve children in a family, and all the children have become engineers, like their parents, you can also die of boredom. And when one athlete, another businessman, someone is a poet, someone is an accountant, someone is a designer, and someone is a school teacher, someone is a military man, and someone is a doctor, someone is a lawyer, and someone then a geologist, can you imagine how enriched the inner world of the whole family! It is the same in the relationship with God: if a thousand people use the same method to come to God, then they do not reveal their abilities and features, and do not feel happiness and joy in their lives. Therefore, dependence on the opinions of others, the desire not to stand out, to be like everyone else means to bury your talents deep in the sand in the hope of saving them for better times, and as a result, everything “rots” and loses its value. And as a result, the path to God becomes boring and uninteresting.
Don't be afraid to be yourself! Imagine that you accept criticism or condemnation as something "meaning very little." Imagine that you are free from the need to impress anyone. Imagine that your self-respect no longer depends on whether someone notices your intelligence, attractiveness, or your achievements. Imagine that you have the ability to feel genuine love for those who judge you. What would our life be like then?
Approval addiction - praise - has been with us since Cain killed his brother, feeling that Abel's sacrifice was more pleasing to God than his own offering. Abel's sacrifice was accepted, but Cain's was not, and he could not look at it from the point of view of God, envied his brother, hated him, and killed him. Cain could not accept that God approved of his younger brother much more than of himself. Dependence on approval can not only negate all our efforts to grow spiritually, but also lead to the most serious mistakes, which will be difficult or even impossible to correct. When we depend so much on the opinions of others, we begin to see in other people only a source of approval and by all available means we try to squeeze this approval out of them.
What is more important for us: the glory of man or the glory of God? When Jesus preached, He did not seek to impress. He freely spoke "truth in love". And we often turn out to be not free, sometimes inside of us is full of selfishness and pride.
Sociologists write about such a phenomenon of social life as a "collective image of others." This image is nothing more than our idea of a certain group of people, whose opinion we evaluate our success or defeat. Our self-respect and self-respect is largely based on the assessment given to us by this group. This "collective image" can be represented as a jury of judges, which includes all those who evaluate us - just as sports referees evaluate the technique and artistry of a figure skater. There is no doubt that on this bench of judges we will see our parents, school teachers, friends, boss, work colleagues and neighbors. But the most interesting thing is that we can only guess what the other person really thinks of us, and what kind of "assessments" he puts on us. And in this "collective image of others" often there are no others at all. This whole image is a product of our imagination. This is what we consider to be the thoughts of others. Under the influence of subjective and objective factors, we form an idea of how others want to see us, and we try to follow this idea in every possible way.
At twenty, we are taught to live in a way that pleases other people. At thirty, you get tired of trying to please others and resent them for having to bother yourself with such trifles. And at forty, you understand: no matter how hard you try, no one cares about you anyway. When you realize that no one cares about you, then you realize that there is no need to complain. No matter how much you complain about your unfortunate fate, no one will help anyway, any complaint is just a shaking of the air. Realizing this, you can simply begin to solve your problems yourself, and the further you go, the more space appears to think about others, since your problems have already ceased to be a burden. However, in most cases, even when we are convinced of the indifference of others to our own person, we do not receive inner liberation. We have yet to find out who we really are.
Who am I?
“I am the one who should be loved, praised, who should be admired. It doesn't matter who I am: a pianist, a businessman or a priest - what matters is what others think of me. If they value activity and promptness, then I will spin like a squirrel in a wheel. If the sign of true freedom for them is the presence of a tight wallet, then the meaning of my life should be the acquisition of such a wallet. If popularity proves my worth, I will turn inside out, but I will get the necessary connections!
Noticing that we begin to compare ourselves with others or think about how happy we would be if we had what was given to them, it is important for us to understand that the time has come to re-examine our relationship with God, to think about what is really is valuable to us. Perhaps, having retired for a while from the winds, storms and fires of human approval, we can again hear a small soft voice addressing us: “Do not despise your place, your gifts or your voice, because you cannot change them for a place, gifts and the voice of another person, but even if you were able to do this, you would hardly be satisfied even then.
Imagine yourself as a visitor to the ward of a psychiatric clinic, towards whom the patient rushes with words of greeting: “Oh, you are just a wonderful person! I had a vision from God. He told me that the thirteenth visitor who entered this door would be a special messenger. You are just the thirteenth, now I know - you are the chosen one, the saint, you are the one who will bring peace to this earth, let me kiss your shoes. Surely your self-esteem will not increase one iota. And not without reason. Between the assessment that another person gives us and the pleasure that it gives us, there is our opinion about the fairness and validity of this assessment. This means that we are not passive victims of someone else's opinion. Other people's opinions have power over us as long as we agree to accept their validity. And this means that we ourselves drive ourselves into this addiction, and therefore we ourselves, at will, can get out of it. The same applies to condemnation, criticism of us. All leaders and just people who stand out from the crowd are criticized. People differ only in their reaction to criticism, it can be both a blessing and a curse.
“Ask a friend to point out your shortcomings to you, or better yet, ask your enemy to keep a close eye on you and mercilessly strike you at any opportunity. What a great blessing such an annoying critic would be to a wise man!” (Charles Spurgeon)
When we are criticized, condemned, then we are challenged - this means that we are given a chance to love even more, forgive even more, spiritually grow even higher. Although, of course, we can do the opposite: be offended, take revenge, criticize in response and hate. The only question is what is closer to us. Many people, even having achieved outstanding success, feel their inferiority:
“I didn't do anything. And what could I do to remain in the memory of mankind? My life is wasted on trifles in useless aspirations and incessantly rejected prayers, which alone can serve as an excuse for my existence as a representative of the human race. (John Quincy Adams, former President of the United States)
Now let's go a little deeper. Dependence on approval is not the same as appreciation for praise. Otherwise, one might think that one should not praise children, applaud artists and greet sports records with enthusiastic exclamations. Probably, our world would become very restrained, gray and dreary. But it is very easy to cross the line and become a person who, at any opportunity, tries to "trump" it. Mark Twain made a remarkable observation of the general susceptibility to such behavior.
“Tom Sawyer's Sunday School was visited by a middle-aged gentleman who turned out to be a very important person - no more, no less, as a district judge. The children had never seen such an important dignitary ... ... Mr. Walters (principal of the Sunday school) "trump" in his own way, fussily showing his zeal and his quickness ... The librarian also "trump", running back and forth with whole armfuls of books, scary at the same time zealous, noisy, fussing. Young teachers "trump cards" in their own way, gently bending over the children, whom they had recently pulled by the ears, with a smile shaking their pretty fingers at the naughty ones and affectionately stroking the heads of the obedient ones. Young teachers "trump", showing their power with remarks, reprimands and the introduction of commendable discipline. ... The girls, in turn, "trump cards" in different ways, and the boys "trump cards" with such zeal that the air was full of mysterious sounds and balls of chewed paper. And above all this towered the figure of a great man, sitting in an armchair and illuminating the school with a proud smile, basking in the rays of his own greatness, for he, too, "trump card" in his own way.
For the most part, human behavior is driven by a banal, albeit carefully hidden, desire to show oneself in a favorable light. We want to impress others while trying to hide our efforts from them. Praise is a chronic disease in which the desire to be noticed may not be the most dangerous symptom. This addiction can lead us to withhold our true thoughts if speaking them out loud can cause us to be judged, resulting in double-mindedness or simply hypocrisy. In order to politely accept praise and not fall into dependence on it, you need to put your heart in order. A heart that is in the right state knows how to love what it should, love as it should, love in due measure and properly. It is not always possible to understand whether we have crossed the line of dependence or are free from it. Let's analyze ourselves. Let's do a "praise test":
1) Approval addicts usually compare their own successes with the successes of others. If you turned out to be at least a little better than a comrade, even in the most insignificant matter, a triumphant smile appears on your face. But if you gave in, even if the other person did not attach any importance to this, then the onset of depression will not be so easy to overcome.
2) Such people will inevitably try to hide the truth. If I am late for an official meeting, then the first thing I want to do is find good reasons for my being late, or, simply put, justify myself, although in fact I just miscalculated the time. The behavior is so typical that psychologists consider many of us to be subject to the so-called "Imposter Syndrome." The truth that we know about ourselves has nothing to do with the image that we present to others, so many live in constant fear that one day their true face will be revealed. A friend of mine said: “Opening the soul often has a therapeutic effect!” - and she's right, you don't have to work so hard to seem like someone you're not.
3) The more a boaster craves approval, the more likely he will be offended by the one whose approval he desires. We do not want to depend on this person, therefore, trying to get his approval, we are angry at ourselves, and at him, and at the fact that we need him. Before, I didn’t realize that my resentment is a way to show the world or a particular person that I need their approval, that I depend on it. And then another addiction appears, when I cannot live a day without the thought of the offender.
So, it is possible that the results of the "mini-test" were disappointing. And what do we do with all this now?
There is one extremely useful practice. Usually it is not put on a par with other spiritual practices, but it is she who can help us get rid of the approval addiction. It can be called "the spiritual practice of keeping one's good deeds secret." If you do good deeds in such a way that they remain unnoticed by others, then, in the end, you can become a free person. If you do alms, you should not hire the Kremlin Orchestra in order to make sure that everyone knows about your generosity. Many of us have a tendency to expose ourselves to the public in order to make a good impression on others. Sometimes we don't need orchestras at all, we ourselves are constantly trumpeting about ourselves.
“Look, do not do your charity before people so that they see you: otherwise you will not be rewarded from your Father in Heaven. Therefore, when you do almsgiving, do not blow your trumpets before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that people may glorify them. I tell you truly, they already receive their reward. But with you, when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing ... ”(Mat. 6: 1-3)
Now we can come to the moment of realizing who is still a mature person. True spiritual maturity is marked by a lack of pride in one's own good deeds. A spiritually mature person comes to understand that giving is indeed more blissful than receiving. And then good deeds for the sake of others are no longer seen as an exceptional event, rather, it is just a prudent act, something completely natural. From this we feel joy when we want, without conditions. This does not mean that everything must now be done in secret, in the gospel Jesus simply warned those suffering from approval addiction that their illness could become a serious obstacle to spiritual growth. You can often hear about life for the benefit of others as a direct path to the Kingdom of Heaven. But imagine that everyone lives for each other simply because they have to; I really want to live for myself, but I have to for the sake of others. What kind of world will it be? Life for the sake of others should be natural, joyful, without tension. So it turns out that we are building the Kingdom of Heaven around ourselves, and being spiritually immature, we are very tense when we need to help someone, and we are waiting for some kind of reward for our efforts, because we tried so hard.
To begin the spiritual practice of keeping a secret, do some good deed from time to time, making sure that no one finds out about it. Join the Approval Addiction Healing Society (Righteous Anonymous). We can get rid of the fear of other people's opinions. We can stop trying to convince everyone that our thoughts are pure, our successes are admirable, and life is much better than it really is.
The skill that we have to get rid of can be called "the ability to impress." Taking a closer look, we will see that almost everything we have talked about mainly concerns this very ability that poisons our whole life. When retelling a TV show to someone, we usually preface our story with the words: “Actually, I rarely watch TV, but that evening ...” Why do we do this? After all, the time we spend watching TV has nothing to do with what we are going to report. Then why do we make such a digression? After all, if we do not make such a digression, our interlocutor, which is good, will think that we are sitting in front of the TV screen from morning to evening, “cracking” chips and watching various nasty things. There is a competent use of the ability to impress. How can anyone be allowed to think that of us? Therefore, we hasten to assure our interlocutor that we watch TV extremely rarely. We want to make sure he gets the right idea of us, or rather, that he gets exactly the idea we were trying to get. If you listen to such comments, it is not difficult to see that the attempt to control other people's ideas about us is almost the only area of use of words in modern society. Communication between people largely comes down to endless attempts to convince others that we are better, smarter, kinder, more successful than they might think.
If we choose to impress people with our generosity, the nature of our actions will change. We'll put up with addiction to the drug of approval. And instead of greater freedom, we will find even greater slavery. Service to one's neighbor loses its value, as a training for life in the Kingdom of God, if done out of selfish motives.
Our lives provide us with many opportunities to practice keeping our good deeds secret. Choose one of your acquaintances and, without saying a word to anyone, devote yourself to praying for that person. Do selfless and wonderful deeds! If our good deeds are motivated by the desire to impress others, then service to others loses its power and cannot help us enter the kingdom of heaven. If we do good deeds in secret, we will gradually learn to serve without drawing attention to ourselves by saying, “Look how good I am!” By doing this often enough, we can gradually free ourselves from the inner need to communicate our good deeds to others. And one day we will find that we are able to do good simply because it really sets us free and fills our lives with joy.
James RAPSON
psychotherapist
Craig ENGLISH
writer
Nice people do everything too much: adjust too much, apologize too much. They sail through life, adapting and giving in - in an attempt to please everyone. They strive to please others, even if they are ignored or insulted. Such people show anxiety in relationships: through dependence, fawning, excessive willingness to bend to other people's desires. They are always worried about what others think of them. And each time they are surprised when they are rejected. Nice people often suffer from feelings of inferiority and fear of failure. They feel like they have to prove their worth and excellence over and over again, and although they may be quite competent in their professional and social life, they continue to be constantly nervous.
Watch yourself
Our main tool for overcoming anxious attachment is the practice of mindfulness. Our job is to watch the obsessive thoughts and feelings that come up again and again and bring them out into the light where they lose their power. At first, awareness increases anxiety. Moreover, we notice that we are still overwhelmed with feelings of unspoken resentment, anger and constant anxiety that we secretly stored inside ourselves. These feelings are so different from the image that we diligently created: nice people not allowed angry or worried. As children, we learned that negative emotions do not bring us the love we need, and therefore these feelings are not for us. And when such feelings arise, we consider them - and ourselves - bad, disgusting, corrupted, evil. Dispassionate mindfulness requires that we learn to observe thoughts, feelings, emotions, and sensations without dividing them into “bad” and “good.” Only by accepting and carefully examining them, we will be able to discover their cause, which means we will be able to change them. The habit of judging sits very deep (sometimes we even condemn our own judgment!), it is the understanding of this habit and getting rid of it that the practice of awareness is dedicated to. Over time, when we learn to pay attention to self-condemnation, it will disappear.
be alone
People who suffer from anxious attachment are usually afraid of being neglected, abandoned. They will continually sacrifice their time, energy, and self-esteem to avoid being alone. As a result, they often find themselves in relationships that do not bring them joy, playing roles that are harmful to them, even if these relationships themselves do not give them the desired sense of security. That is why the conscious choice of solitude is an extremely important experience for the transforming personality. When done with care and compassion, loneliness can be a good laboratory for studying emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations and behavior.
One of the main results of the period of solitude is the development of the “muscle of loneliness”. If you practice loneliness in a meaningful and moderate way, you will begin to bear it more and more calmly, without worrying about your separation from others. The challenge is learning to love yourself the way a caring parent loves their child: unconditionally, no matter what you discover, and as much as you can. An important part of retreat practice is to develop specific self-care skills. This can be a difficult task for nice people who have long come to terms with the fact that the state of dependence is in the order of things.
Understand what you want
“What do I believe? What are my values? How should I live? These three questions are avoided by Nice people if the answers contradict their habit of adjusting to the needs of others. Our whole life is a constant work on the formation of personal ethics. Any situation that requires a person to make a decision is suitable for this purpose. A nice person in any particular case is likely to succumb to someone else's desires - not because he always agrees with them, and not because he considers such a choice to be the right one, but because he is afraid to be the cause of conflict: he risks lose friendship, love or status. A transforming person in a similar situation will look inward and ask himself, "What do I think is right?" These are the words of a warrior.
Don't Suppress Aggression
You should understand that aggression is part of your personality. In fact, it is necessary for all living beings. Check out the determination and persistence with which a raven attacks breadcrumbs, a puppy wrestles with his brothers, and a three-year-old child tries to get attention. Of course, the suppression of aggression does not get rid of the passions that provoke it, just aggression goes into hidden, passive forms. Transforming people are likely to find that skillfully managing aggression brings a lot of pleasure, because at the same time dreams break free. We finally realize our desires, boldly pursue them and reap the fruits of our actions.
Set boundaries
Nice people find it hard to set personal boundaries, because there is always a risk of offending someone by the fact of their existence. It will take a conscious effort at first, but the results are worth it. Weak boundaries kill relationships and breed distrust and disrespect in others. Strong boundaries give a sense of confidence and attract other people. If someone tells us that they do not want to be called before nine in the morning, we can trust this information and feel grateful that such a wish was expressed. For contrast, imagine that in response to the question if we are calling too early, we hear “No problem”, but the tone of voice makes it clear that problems there is. They try to be “nice” with us, but this is not particularly pleasant, and at the same time we lose respect for the interlocutor.
Get rid of illusions
The practice of getting rid of illusions will help people who have embarked on the path of transformation to part with both magical fantasies and the expectation of a tragic end, as well as see others for who they are. A person free from illusions will be able to experience more fulfilling intimacy, better sex, and the genuine joy of relationships. At the heart of creating the ideal is the belief that serving an idol will bring happiness and contentment.
Of course, this is far from reality. In this case, there is not and cannot be true love or fate sent by heaven. No real person will make us whole. This is a task for ourselves. Of course, other people will help us along the way - friends, lovers, spouses, therapists, teachers and mentors - but the task of satisfying our own needs lies with us. This truth is difficult to accept. At first, we resist her by invoking habitual thoughts: "If I'm nice enough, she'll give me everything I need." We must remind ourselves over and over again that no one can fill the void in our heart.
Don't be afraid of your dark side
Nice people carefully hide their dark side. The problem is not that the dark side is bad, but that we hate it. Interestingly, the process of exploring the dark side awakens exactly the qualities that we want to develop in ourselves. Considering and accepting vindictiveness, weakness, and anxiety develops forgiveness, strength, and calmness. Instead of hating their dark side, transforming people understand where it came from: this is the place in the soul that got the most. This pain needs to be taken care of, like a small child who has hit and wants to be petted, distracted, played with, joked about, in short, to be loved. When we become able to empathize with our dark side, the transformation accelerates.
So, more about negative beliefs about self:
1. I need other people's approval in order to live.
When others approve of you, it feels like an enjoyable and uplifting experience. You can be sure that you are accepted, you will not be abandoned or destroyed if you have the approval of other people. The fear that underlies the need for approval is one of the most basic, although it is not usually expressed as fear. Everyone is afraid of being abandoned or destroyed to some degree, and everyone wants approval.
If you get enough approval from your family and other important people early in life, you develop enough self-confidence to trust that you will continue to be accepted as you are and supported and inspired by others. However, if you experienced approval only in certain situations as a child, then you may think (consciously or unconsciously) that you:
* Must always meet parental expectations (usually you got approval if you met them)
* You have to guess what is on the mind of the parents and anticipate their needs and desires
* Others have told you that they are happy with what you do for them, but not with who you are and who you are
* Your achievements are a source of great pride for your parents
* You get parental approval when you win and succeed
Sufficient basic approval means that someone loves you and accepts you for who you are. This does not mean that you are always right, or that this other always approves of your behavior, it just means that this other is able to perceive you and your behavior separately, that is, to separate your personality from how you behave. This acceptance of you means that the other person considers you worthy, valuable, and this value does not suddenly disappear when you do something wrong.
If you have not received this basic approval, or have received it only when you have met the expectations of others, then you may feel that you must always meet the ideas of others, their desires, their needs, and only then will they support you. If you do not receive such approval, then you feel hurt and you get the feeling that you are not good enough.
Anytime you feel like you're doing something you don't quite like to get that approval, or that you just feel like someone doesn't approve of you, you can use this affirmation:
I like to feel the approval of other people, but I'll be fine if I don't get it.
Based on Nora Brown's book.
Sometimes it happens that we forget about our interests, doing something necessary for others. We take on someone else's task, talk too much in a frank conversation, lend a tidy sum without a guarantee of return, buy something unnecessary, etc. And often after that comes bewilderment and regret about such rash and impulsive actions.
The topic of the next meeting at work is a new project for a major customer. The task is not easy, and the client is from the other side of the country. The leader sums up the meeting with the phrase that, they say, you need to go to the place and resolve all issues there. Everyone immediately begins to look away, because past business trips to the hero city N turned out to be difficult (and the hotel was crappy, and the employees were somehow non-contact, and the leader with a share of tyranny, etc.). And, lo and behold, someone "throws his chest on the embrasure", volunteering to go. As a result, everyone returns to their jobs satisfied. And only the volunteer begins to feel dissatisfied with himself and annoyed: “And who forced me to “be a hero”? The project is not exactly my profile… Although the boss seemed to nod meaningfully…”
Some will say: "Well, yes, it happens." And someone will know their lifestyle. And if you manage to drive yourself into such a trap more and more often, then you need to think about the problem of emotional dependence on others.
Those who are emotionally dependent very often practice actions to their own detriment, and in most cases no one expected this from him and certainly did not demand it. Hanging on yourself more and more, choosing the most difficult and not so interesting job, inability to refuse the request of others, constant unnecessary spending - all this for the sake of a positive impression of others and the approval of often even strangers. Having received in return a sluggish reaction or even indifference, such people make a vow not to take everything upon themselves. But only until the next such occasion.
The fact that we all need the approval and attention of our loved ones to restore our reserves of self-confidence and stability is, of course, undeniable. The child in us is always afraid of being abandoned and unnecessary, of disappointing others and not getting enough praise.
However, over-reliance on the approval and support of others can lead to a life that is not one's own. Because emotional dependence is not only a way to escape from loneliness and search for relevance, but also a false way to fill your inner voids with other people's emotions. What are the reasons for such behavior?
Self esteem jumps
Emotionally dependent people do not have a clear understanding of themselves. That is, their self-esteem is directly proportional to the opinion of others. The lack of a stable idea of one's strengths and weaknesses leads to fluctuations from self-confidence to serious self-doubt. From this and the constant focus on others, attempts to meet their expectations, the need for positive feedback, approval and sometimes admiration. Such people see themselves only through the prism of someone else's opinion, reacting to the emotions of people significant to them in the current period. And the lack of confirmation of one's own significance inevitably leads to a drop in self-esteem.
Constant jumps up and down the self-esteem scale do not allow you to get satisfaction from the actions performed if their result has not been noted and approved by others. Experiences about the perception of their selfless deeds as ordinary, constant concern for the opinions of others develop into a voluntary agreement to do only what others say.
Emotional addiction can also overtake a completely self-sufficient person if the signals of others that cause addictive behavior directly get to the “child” inside us, who always wants to please someone. And here it is important to include the “inner adult” and understand and accept responsibility for one’s actions.
Everything that concerns me...
An emotionally dependent person, in addition to focusing on the desires of others, also has an off-scale egocentricity. It is expressed in the acceptance of everything said and done around at your own expense. He is sure that everything that happens is necessarily related (even indirectly) to him.
The one who is emotionally dependent constantly chews "mental gum", scrolling through the moments of his "unsuccessful" actions, "inappropriate" spoken words, "ridiculous" appearance, etc. Concentration on negative emotions does not give him rest.
The need for an emotional connection (love, trust, approval, acceptance, attention, etc.) with other people is familiar to all of us, but if it develops into an emotional dependence that interferes with living your life, then you should try to reduce it.
I remember a "wonderful" moment...
First, it is necessary to recreate in memory one of those actions that subsequently caused a wave of regret, anger at oneself and constantly scrolled in the head. There is no need to think in terms of evaluating yourself as a whole and approach the problem globally. It is important to analyze a particular situation. The goal is to identify the motive that forced us to show unclaimed initiative, although no one forced or manipulated us to do so. The following questions will help: “To what extent did I behave rationally and appropriately?”, “Did my actions correspond to my interests, plans? How much?”, “What resources could I use?”, “What did I rely on, count on?”, “What is the result? What's received? What is lost?"
The answers will help you see more clearly the reasons for irrational actions. And understanding the motives that drive us makes it possible to control behavior in certain situations and our own life as a whole.
In search of myself
To combat emotional addiction, a stable self-esteem is needed, which is based on an understanding of one's own undeniable advantages and weaknesses, without taking into account the emotional reactions of others.
The behavior of a self-sufficient mature person is distinguished by the use of internal rather than external criteria in decision-making. This maintains a stable level of self-esteem, despite the lack of approval, praise, or any other assessment of any actions. Maintaining basic self-esteem at the same level in a negative situation allows you to soberly analyze the results and draw conclusions. While with emotional dependence, the attitude towards one’s personality immediately changes: “How stupid I am!”
Having passed the stage of identifying emotional dependence, you can begin to try to reduce the effect of external stimuli, replacing them with internal ones. Over time, events will no longer have a huge impact on balance, because emotional stability will develop. This process is inextricably linked with taking personal responsibility for your actions, emotions and self-esteem.
An important point is also the correct understanding of your desires and needs. Their satisfaction on their own inevitably leads to a decrease in dependence on others. The fuel for self-esteem can be not so much external sources as our internal reserves (spiritual values, career, hobbies, etc.). It is worth remembering that the more such resources, the less concern for other people's opinions. Therefore, you need to look for sources of inspiration and devote time to self-development.
It is also necessary to develop the ability to derive satisfaction from completed tasks without focusing on the approval of others, in any setting. Do not be afraid of positive assessments to yourself, especially when they are deserved.
It is impossible and unnecessary to please everyone. Some will show interest, some won't. People tend to focus on themselves. Lack of praise or attention from others does not mean failure. After all, perhaps someone deliberately kept silent, and someone really did not have time to express approval. It is better to form your own opinion, independent of the opinion of the “public”. The statements of others are just food for thought on the topic “can I agree with this and how different is it from my own opinion?”.
balance of power
In pursuit of the autonomy of your judgments, you should not completely disown the opinions of others. It is impossible to completely get rid of emotional dependence, and there is no need for this. After all, objective conclusions always take into account the different points of view and assessments of those who are competent in the matter.
The balance should be openness to other people's opinions at the same time as independence from them. Then there is no need to adapt to someone, to please and be afraid to disappoint.
So, becoming aware of your emotional dependence, identifying the motives for your irrational actions, and accepting personal emotional responsibility are important milestones in the fight against emotional dependence on others. Of course, integrity, confidence and stable self-esteem are not a matter of one month. We form our own "I" throughout life. But a clear idea of your capabilities and desires allows you to start making your own decisions and be independently responsible for them. Do not be afraid to take control of your life in your own hands, believe me, it's worth it!
Dmitry Kovrigin
Do you want to be confident and impressive, learn how to convince, use weighty arguments, ask the right questions? But not sure where to get the time to acquire the right influence skills? Then our online training is what will help you with this! You can go through it at any convenient time at:.