How to live when self-respect is lost. Mutual insults and claims, loss of respect. Is it worth the fight or is it time to leave? Lost self respect
My wife doesn't respect me! I have lost respect for my husband! In our relationship, respect for each other has disappeared ... - a family psychologist hears such complaints every day. If you ask any person what they would like from relationships with other people, I'm sure that the word "respect" will be heard most often. The need for respect for most people is among the top priorities. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, age and gender, we are very sensitive in everything that concerns respect. Why? What gives us respect? To answer this question, let's try to define respect. It is quite difficult to give a simple and understandable definition right off the bat, so let's try to construct this definition.
1. Respect is the attitude of one person (group of people) to another person (group of people)
2. This relationship is based on the mutual recognition of the merits of the personality of each of these people (groups of people)
3. Recognition of the priority of their safety and non-harm: physical, psychological and moral
4. Recognition of their fundamental rights to freedom, self-expression, religion, etc.
As can be seen from our definition, respect is a whole complex of concepts that affects, oddly enough, our instinct for self-preservation! Now it becomes clear why in personal relationships the problem of loss / restoration of respect becomes one of the central ones. In order to understand what gives us respect, let's look at the diagram:
As can be seen from the diagram for men (highlighted in blue) and for women (highlighted in red), the priority qualities in the concept of "respect" are different things. If for women the concept of "respect" lies in the emotional sphere, then for men it has a more practical meaning. Understanding these differences becomes especially important when we try to analyze what behaviors and actions inevitably lead to a loss of respect from him or her. Before talking about the reasons for the disappearance of respect in relationships, let's think about how this concept is formed in a person in principle.
In order for a person to be able to respect others, he must have an appropriate upbringing based on mutual respect for men and women, children for parents, parents for children, as well as for other people. And one more important addition - this person must respect himself!
There is a very close relationship between self-respect and respect for others. Surely many people know the axiom that it is impossible to gain respect from others without respecting yourself. It is believed that a person's self-esteem is divided into two components:
- emotional- how I feel about myself in terms of "good and evil", my assessment of myself as a "good" or "bad" person, and
- rational- an indicator of my competence, professionalism, success. Note that both components that form self-esteem in men and women are different.
From the figure it becomes clear that we call respectful such an attitude towards us that strengthens or, at least, maintains our self-esteem.
Accordingly, "unfriendly" behavior that calls into question my competence or my self-esteem, I will regard as disrespectful. In relations between a man and a woman, respect is closely related to sex-role behavior, more precisely, with the expectation of a certain behavior.
Let's look at a simple example. A man and a woman are driving in a car. Stopped. The man got out of the car, opened the door on the woman's side and helped her out of the car. The man showed respect for the lady (he helped to get out of the car), the woman showed respect for the man, waiting for him to come up to help get out, thanked him, thereby showing that she was confident in his good manners. Respect breeds respect.
Unfortunately, manifestations of disrespect begin with "little things", the most typical of them are: lack of elementary gratitude at the level of thank you", inattention, failure to fulfill one's promises, raising one's voice. Of course, someone will react to this, and someone will not I'm sure you know the saying that "little lies breed big mistrust"? The same can be said about respect - small manifestations of disrespect eventually grow into big problems. Signs of chronic disrespect in men and women are shown in the following figure:
more typical for men
more typical for women
It is important to note that respect is lost not only when such behavior is manifested directly to this person, but also to his relatives, friends or colleagues. My husband does not respect my mother! My wife does not respect my friends! Periodically, at the reception, I have to hear how this or that client speaks about the loss of respect for his wife / husband due to her / his disrespectful attitude towards relatives or friends. Indeed, we often associate ourselves with people close to us and tend to take on our own account what is not always directed directly at us. Why is this happening?
- belonging to a group (and family, friends, colleagues - this is a group) gives us an additional sense of security and comfort, so disrespect for this "our" group automatically extends to us. In disconnected families, where there are no close emotional ties, this does not happen.
Regardless of gender, a person who encounters such manifestations on the part of a partner instantly loses respect for him. Restoring respect after such acts is unusually difficult. This is due to the fact that each of these acts deeply hurts the self-esteem of the injured person, hurts him. Pain and respect are incompatible.
A feature of respect is that it is much more difficult to earn it than to lose it. In this sense, respect as a concept is close to trust.
What to do if you feel a loss of respect for yourself from your loved ones? Here is a simple step-by-step instruction which can help regain lost respect.
1. Look at yourself.
Analyze your behavior as "possibly wrong" in relation to the person. Maybe you violated his "boundaries", doubted his value, or simply offended ... Not everyone is able to openly and immediately declare a wrong attitude towards themselves. Unspoken hurts don't go anywhere. Having admitted the wrongness of your behavior, do not rush to immediately ask for forgiveness, but rather try to understand why (?) you did this. Without understanding the motives of your behavior, you run the risk of repeating it in the future. The next step in your analysis will be to find another way to act that will not be perceived by your partner as disrespectful.
2. Start a dialogue.
Tell your partner how important their respectful attitude is to you and how you feel when such an attitude is not. Don't make excuses or shift the blame from yourself to him. Admit your mistakes by simply listing them. Recognize the right of a person to be offended by you and change their attitude towards you.
3. Ask for forgiveness.
It's forgiveness, not apologies. Not many people know that there are big differences between these two terms. Apology is a more formal, secular term. Its essence boils down to asking to withdraw the apologetic from the "state of guilt". Forgiveness is a more personal term, not to say intimate - its essence is a request to accept repentance.
4. Take action.
Whether you have been forgiven or not, your awareness of your mistakes must be transformed into new attitudes and actions. Remember that you first need to regain your respect for yourself and you are on the right track.
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Typical cases are described by Elena Kuznetsova, a family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relations, director of the dating agency "I and You".
Annoying talkativeness
If your man is a talker himself, then you are unlikely to annoy him with your conversations. Two talkers get along well, although sometimes they do not hear each other.
But if we talk about a normal, calm, taciturn man, then the chatter of a woman can become a serious problem for him. A man can be so annoyed by the empty talk of his missus that one day he.
“Chatty women do not hear their man, plus constant empty talk irritates the psyche, like the squeak of a mosquito or an annoying fly,” notes Elena Kuznetsova.
Of course, the woman did not suddenly become a talker. She has always been like this. Just earlier and, perhaps, even was glad that he did not need to invent topics for conversation, and his woman, like an eternal talking radio. But over time, he got tired of the constant talking. In addition, a normal man, who usually listens to what his partner says to him, suddenly realizes that he has heard all this from her already 120 times. He doesn't just get bored. It suddenly dawns on him that an “empty ratchet” lives next to him, which irritates him very much.
Loss of respect
If we talk about a normal man and parity relationships, then the loss of respect, which is usually or by any betrayal on the part of a woman, can lead to very sad consequences for a couple. This is followed by and, and even a complete break in relations. At the same time, most likely, the man will not go anywhere, he will find himself new woman, for which he will leave his current passion.
“A man who has the experience of living together with a woman does not go into the void. Most of the time he goes to someone. But even if there is no alternative, and the woman is tired, the man goes to his mother or moves to a rented apartment to be alone and breathe a little. True, he is fast enough, because he cannot physically, psychologically, and morally. He is used to being with a woman, ”explains the psychologist.
Kuznetsova, however, made a reservation that it was possible to discuss the situation with the loss of respect only if the man really respected the woman. Not all men put the correct concept into this word.
“So, a man thinks that he respected his wife once, but now he does not respect her. In what cases does this happen? It's already. For example, a woman was young and beautiful, and a man of her type respected and loved. Over time, the woman got better, got older, and the man says: “I stopped respecting her, because she turned into a chicken.” But such a definition does not fit the gradation of respect. This is a consumer approach. Respect is a more complex feeling than just a physiological, aesthetic perception of one's woman, ”the interpersonal relationship consultant is sure.
One more caveat. The loss of respect from a man does not threaten him with leaving in the event that an alliance with a particular woman is beneficial to him - in any sense: material, psychological. If there is, a man will hate a woman, but live with her.
Criticism of a man
You need to be very careful with criticism, because it can be not only truthful, but also derogatory: “Why didn’t you take out the garbage ?!”, “I put on that stupid T-shirt again!” etc. Never in front of third parties, respect him.
“Excessive criticism can provoke a breakup, but not necessarily. Here, a lot depends on the man’s stock of patience, on that, and he is ready to listen to her words, ”explains Kuznetsova. But he warns against "getting carried away" with criticism, even constructive.
Jealousy
Jealousy, especially groundless, is the heaviest weapon. It entails a woman checking the phone, correspondence in social networks, surveillance. A man treats all these things extremely negatively, because he regards them as. Psychologist warns women against espionage. But if you still can’t do without it, follow your husband so that the mosquito does not undermine your nose. You can hire a private detective: it’s better to spend money seriously than to substitute for.
Unflattering comments about parents and friends
Harsh statements about friends and relatives by a woman can be the reason why. Even if your partner really has a difficult relationship with his mother, in no case do not say anything bad about her. And even if your loved one complains about his mother, you should not pick up the topic and pour a tub of slop on your mother-in-law (potential or real). It’s better to feel sorry for the man: “My poor thing, your mother has a really difficult character,” but in no case do not stoop to criticism and rudeness.
Useful information
Elena Kuznetsova, director of the Me and You dating agency, family psychologist. Phone 8-920-909-62-35.“Mom is sacred. Whether she is good or bad is another question, but she gave birth to your beloved man. At least for this, love and respect her, ”says Elena Kuznetsova.
The same goes for your man's friends. Even if you do not like them, because they are drunks and womanizers, you do not need to voice your claims. Act carefully, do not issue ultimatums, do not speak negatively about the man's friends. You can express your concerns about these people when you are alone, reasonably, without hysteria and rudeness.
If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .
Gaining self-respect is not easy, and maintaining it is doubly difficult.
Yes, dear friends, it happens. Just yesterday, a highly respected member of society, and today everyone despised "Mr. Nobody", from whom they look away. And here it does not matter what kind of society you think about: a family or a work team, a circle of interests or a yard company.
And what about self-respect? It can also be lost at once.
Just as dead flies stink and ferment the oil prepared by the ointment compiler, so a little stupidity harms one who is valued for wisdom and glory.
Solomon
Of course, both in the first and in the second case, it is necessary to restore. And later we'll talk about how. Let's first decide
When self-respect is undesirable
In one single situation: when it is misunderstood. According to dictionaries, the concept of "respect" means "a respectful attitude based on the recognition of someone's merits, merits, high qualities."
So, when a respectful attitude is unfounded, and a person persistently claims to be universally respected, this looks like a manifestation of vanity. Judge for yourself.
The king's adviser, let's call him Ahithophel, could not bear the insult when his proposal was rejected. And although she was not the only reason for his suicide, nevertheless for this official meant too much.
We were told that respect must be earned and we rushed with enviable enthusiasm. We counted on praise, and therefore, like children, without thinking, without contradicting, we did everything that they say. And then, after quite a bit of time, we waited for our surname to sound in a short list of leaders.
True self-respect doesn't look like that at all. You are right, friends, if you think that respect without deeds is dead. And yet, when doing something, it is much wiser not to advertise your virtue (although not everyone will approve of this approach). And here's a little story about it:
In one old monastery, a small monetary incentive was introduced for the monks for their hard work. Each of them tried as much as possible in order to donate what they earned to the village poor a little later. except for one monk.
No one has ever seen him give anyone even the smallest coin. So, this person was forced into the role of a floor hanger for unflattering labels. And that they just didn’t attribute to him: from money-loving egoism to secretive hypocrisy.
So the years passed. And at some point this monk stumbled, fell and seriously injured his leg. He could no longer work and moved around the monastery with difficulty. Others did not want to help him, they even thought, “that it was God who struck him, tormented him and made him suffer.”
It was hard for that monk to endure such disrespect from his brothers. And so, one cold day, when the sun was setting, there was a knock at the gate of the monastery. More than a hundred residents of the surrounding villages came to the monk.
For what kind of things?- the brethren were indignant in surprise.
Everything is simple. The monk put aside what he earned, and then bought bulls for the poorest peasants so that they could plow the land in their fields. So, without trumpeting in front of him, he saved people from hunger and poverty.
When you give gifts of mercy, don't blow your trumpets like the hypocrites do... so that people can glorify them. With you, when you give gifts of mercy, let the left hand not know what the right hand is doing.
Christ
Who do you most expect respect from?
The response of the well-known musician A. Makarevich about his political positions prompts us to think about this question. Personally, I am interested in politics only as an observer. But now is not about that.
So, he was charged with a fatal mistake, due to which he lost the respect of many. And here it is more correct to clarify - which is what the musician did - whose respect has been lost?
An important lesson is hidden here: do we really have to be respected by everyone? Are there really so few true friends around us, whose respect already warms our hearts. Is it possible that our own respect for ourselves is so strongly dependent on the mass character of someone else's respect?
It seems to me that in our dog time the most important thing is not to lose respect for oneself. As, however, at any time
A. Makarevich
Please, friends, do not think that we came into this world to see its old-timers. The true meaning of our existence is not at all in this. Therefore, you should not be distracted and lowered.
If you increasingly feel that “something is wrong” with this society and you are overwhelmed with the desire to be “out of this world”, then you already deserve the respect of several million like-minded people.
What neither you nor I should do is give up on our own lives. None of our offenses justify fierce self-flagellation. We should not think that because self-respect is lost. This attitude is very dangerous at any age.
There are as many vices from lack of self-respect as from excessive self-respect.
Michel de Montaigne
Remember, friends, in our life everything is not in vain. Everything worthwhile is just beginning and it doesn’t matter at all that we are no longer 20, that another year is running out, what is outside the window ... Who cares what the weather is outside the window ... 😉
I'm 26. I betrayed a friend. We have known him since childhood, 20 years soul to soul, it all started in 2014, then, after breaking up with my girlfriend, I tried to find someone in return. I met a girl, we met for 1.5 months, after which I realized that this was not an option, I still love my ex-girlfriend and no one will replace her, at least at that point in time. We broke up. After that, my friend asked permission to hit her for sex, I didn’t mind, because I didn’t have strong feelings for her, then it all started, he began to drive up to her, spending a lot of time on her, didn’t pick up the phone, sometimes I came across on them in the street. I was very lonely that summer. The three of us couldn’t go out together, because for her I was an enemy, it’s me who left her, unable to forget the former .. we began to communicate with a friend noticeably less often, it didn’t give me rest, then I left to work on a shift until autumn , offended and lonely. He didn’t really make contact, didn’t call, didn’t write. Still, from the age of 17, he always owes me money, he borrowed willingly, but he didn’t give it away very much, it always offended me, because by this he showed his attitude towards me, I felt like the tenth thing in his life. But I always turned a blind eye to this, forgave, friend de, borrowed more. He still owes me. His debt was never at 0. I returned to the city, now I don’t remember the exact development of events. But we continued to communicate, albeit less often, because of his girlfriend at that time. Over time, we reconciled with her, talked, she often called me, told me what an asshole he was, looked for him, and I covered him. Knowing where he was, he did not give out, etc. next year I left again, in the middle of the shift he told me that he would marry her, that they would have a child. Marriage on the fly. I was a witness at the wedding. For the wedding, I didn’t know what to give and wrote in an envelope that I forgive him the debt, it seems at 12k, on the wedding day, when we went for the details, he left the wallet at home, and asked him to borrow money until the end of the wedding, they say the relatives would give it, he will return, I only had a piece of paper in 5k, I gave it, and he once again did not fulfill his promise. The days of the month passed, his wife still called me, in tears, complaining that he was bad, treated her badly, could calmly not spend the night at home or come drunk or stoned, in the summer of 2016, even in the fall, we increasingly began to communicate with his wife, we had common man, who put us in little, more and more often she sobbed, telling how he behaved ugly, went to the grocery store and returned after a bunch of hours and not always with food and many similar situations. In the last month of autumn, I was tired of her she always cries, I felt my guilt in this, since a couple of years ago I "gave her to him" and doomed her to suffering, I suggested that she move out, began to pay for her housing, helped with money. And we became so close to her that we began to look at each other with loving eyes, we slept. At that moment, he had already become in my eyes very a bad person, I listened to so much dirt about him, which is not surprising. In general, he rallied us with his wife, as he hurt both of us. Months passed, we slept, talked, but I was always visited by a desire to leave her again, because this is the wife of my friend, but she always did not let me take this step, agitating that she did not want us to miss our happiness from for him, convinced me that he deserved it. she wanted a relationship (after all, she felt protected next to me or something), and I just wanted to improve her life, which I once ruined (this is my opinion). I couldn't give her what I didn't want. The last couple of weeks, we did not communicate with her, quarreled, broke up. And today, I received an SMS from him "Oh you ***, you have made the worst enemy," he found out everything, I don't know how and to what extent. And today I seemed to wake up, I realized everything that I did: I betrayed a friend. You know, I've never felt as bad as I do now, it feels like I'm dead. Not only did I lose a friend, I lost a big part of myself. I don't know how to live on. I have lost self-respect, I can't even communicate calmly with people I don't know, I'm very ashamed, I'm ashamed to walk down the street. During the day, I wanted to die, but I just imagined how much grief I would bring to my loved ones, they don’t deserve it .. where can I get the strength to survive all this, it feels like I’m lying at the bottom of the ocean, and a lot of water is pressing on me. It's too painful for me. I don’t want to communicate with people, because I don’t want someone to communicate with manure like me .. I didn’t really love myself anyway, self-esteem has been underestimated all my life, and now the very bottom of my existence. I thought I was doing the right thing by helping her out of this chaos, meanwhile I was betraying a friend without realizing it. Where my brain was at that time I don't know.
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Semyon, age: 26 / 19.05.2017
Responses:
Hello Simon! It's good that you thought about how much grief you will bring to your loved ones, they do not deserve it. So your soul is alive, you love them, you care. I had a suicide experience. I'm sorry. I didn't think about my loved ones. Now the head does not think well and the memory is bad. Suicide is not an option. Seems like it will get easier later on. This is a false thought. Semyon, you are the likeness of God, every person has a beautiful soul in the depths. Everyone deserves respect. We must try to discover this beauty in ourselves, turn to God for help. Your mistake is in breaking the commandments of God. And you do not really understand about the love of a woman. If you want, read Orthodox literature. Very good in difficult situations - try to help others. When you sincerely try to do good to another, then good returns to you. For example, there is a service "Mercy". If you betrayed a friend, then you can correct yourself and no longer betray. Ask him for forgiveness. Semyon, don't be offended by me, I'm sorry. I wanted to help you sincerely.
Larisa, age: 45 / 05/19/2017
Hello Semyon! I remember how you feel in this situation... Really very unpleasant and very sorry.
Now you have dramatically changed your attitude towards the situation that has developed, in general, quite a long time ago.
This is an occasion to reconsider the attitude to their actions, and to strangers too.
When you live quietly and calmly (somewhere you are wrong, but somewhere you are very wrong) - there is no reason to change. All this can take years.
But when the situation opens up like a ripe abscess, everything bad is cleared. It is collected on every person, absolutely on everyone. Dust, dirt, pus, lies. It needs to be cleansed, re-evaluated, changed. This moment of life is called a crisis. This moment is very difficult, unpleasant, but absolutely necessary.
How many times have I noticed: one has only to feel “not as terrible as that person over there” (that is, a little better than him), as you will surely disgrace yourself in front of him. And now you already feel worse than anyone in the world ... Which is also not true!
It is impossible to say who is better, who is worse, who is more, who is less.
The girl, by the way, is also far from being the most innocent victim.
A person who pours dirt on another is always dangerous. Keep away! Believe me, he doesn’t care who to pour on, as long as he himself looks advantageous against a bad background.
It is impossible to say what is better or what is worse: not to repay debts, not to keep your word, to quarrel old friends, "accidentally fly into" or something else. It really doesn't make any difference, because one small bad deed is followed by something else, and another, and another. So the whole thing rolls. Until something prompts a person to say to himself: stop! you can not do it this way! From that moment on, everything had to be done differently. This is a crisis. Then growth again. This is how we all live. It's impossible otherwise.
For several months (maybe years) you lived inside a confusing situation, but you didn’t seem to notice it.
Now you think about her very often, over and over again.
You will definitely find a way out, consolation, find the strength to act correctly.
Perhaps not the worst way is to apologize. It doesn't matter what they answer. Something else is important. Sincere, hard-won apologies - they definitely change a lot.
Elena, age: 41 / 05/20/2017
Semyon, believe me, every situation in life is given to us from above for our growth and teaches us love.
Elena, age: 36 / 05/20/2017
Hello. Semyon, it’s just that you are still very young and have just begun to grow up, look at relationships not only as “bed rest”. I advise you to leave, start living your own life, create your own friendly, strong family.
Irina, age: 05/29/2017
Peace be with you, Semyon! It is good that you are aware of your guilt in causing harm to people. Now it is important for you to talk about this with your friend and ask for his forgiveness. But it is also important for you to tell him about your grievances against him and forgive him. And with this, stop your friendship, because it no longer exists and cannot be, you can’t restore these relations. Find yourself new friends. And stop relations and communication with the girl, because this is someone else's wife and you will not be happy with her. And there can be no friendship between a man and a woman, you can have only one friend, this is your bride, your wife. So start building your life. Find a girl who will be only yours, become a real family man. Children will appear, responsibility for the family will appear, and your self-esteem will be restored. While you are young, you can change your life for the better and live it with dignity. The main thing is not to make any more mistakes.
Arina, age: 27/20.05.2017
Semyon, was he a friend? And was this girl beloved both for him and for you? Somehow, not in a friendly way, your friend "forgave" his debts and walked in front of you with your girlfriend, even with the former. Maybe you should leave the relationship in the past, take it off with both of you, figure out yourself - what do you want next? Life does not stand still, new people will appear with whom you will not repeat such mistakes. Self-flagellation never did anyone any good. Get busy, help your parents, the rest will appear over time.
Julia, age: 33 / 05/20/2017
Simon, people make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. It is important not to repeat your mistakes, not to step on the same rake. Ask forgiveness from both of your acquaintances, bring repentance to God and start a new life with a new job, place of residence and new people. Your acquaintances are adult independent people, they will deal with their problems themselves, you would have to deal with yourself, which I think you can do. You have already begun with a very important thought about your family, about their love for you and yours for them. About mutual responsibility. I think that now you will be able to treat the girl that you inconspicuously meet on your way, as a person, not as a thing that can be transferred to someone, you will be able to be afraid of upsetting her, you will be able to become a reliable faithful husband for her. You are young, it is your life ahead of you, the building of your family.
Repent and start a new life. God bless you.
Elena, age: 60 / 05/21/2017
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Chapter 15
So. Respect. Let's do without definitions, everyone knows what it is and what it is. Although ... Here's my simplified explanation.
Respect- this is recognition of the significance of another person, his merits and achievements, personality and character. Sometimes there is respect for a particular quality sometimes to the individual as a whole. Often, respect to personality in general, it is based on the fact that “respected quality” is valuable for the respecting one.
Respect is subjective. If one person respects you, it does not mean that another will respect you. Just because no one respects you doesn't mean you can't respect yourself. It's like popsicles - someone likes it, and someone likes me.
And now attention. Highly important point. No matter what anyone thinks, but it is so. Think differently - think again and understand. So. Your personal
self-respect has NOTHING to do with whether any particular person will respect you.
Realized? Not? - Again. If you respect yourself, if you don’t respect yourself, this directly, in general, does not affect in any way whether this person will respect you. guy, your friend or this one young woman even if it's yours.
It would seem that this should be connected, but no. Let me explain my position:
If you do not consider some of your actions to be actions that affect respect to a person, this does not mean that the other person thinks the same way. It may even be that you consider your act worthy of respect, and the other person ceases to respect you for this act.
The question of respect for a particular person lies in HIM and the parameters of respect, and not in some generally accepted or yours. On the one hand, this complicates the task, on the other hand, understanding this moment allows you to act more accurately and choose more suitable people. But these are already nuances.
And now the most tsimes. Actually the key point:
Respect is more important than love. More important than reconciliation. More important than sex.
Having received a truce, reconciled, or having sex, but losing some of her respect for you, you will lose the relationship. Having received your candy now, you will lose the candy factory. Here's a clumsy metaphor for you, if before that it was not clear.
This rule is mostly true only for men. The fact is that a man can perfectly love a woman whom he does not particularly respect for her personal qualities, achievements or intelligence. But a woman cannot. When she loses respect for you, she also loses her love for you. Even if it seems to you that it has been preserved, this is either pity or “mother-brotherly” love. But this is not love Women to Man.
A consequence of this law are several inviolable rules:
First: "If respect is lost, the relationship is over."
You can argue with this - as much as you like. You may not realize that the relationship has already ended and continue to stay in it - nothing good will come of it. Alas. If a woman has ceased to respect you, your relationship is over. Even if there is sympathy. Even if there is love. Even if there was sex. Relationships are already dead. It is necessary to bury, otherwise they will soon begin to rot and poison you and everyone around at the same time with their decay products, who accidentally, on purpose or with your help gets into it.
For all those clinging to hope, I have a second rule:
Second: "Respect cannot be regained or restored."
This is mainly due to the fact that attempts to earn respect can be applied in a male society. Your attempts to earn the respect of the group, men, are likely to appreciate if you do not begin to humiliate yourself. But! Your attempts to earn respect from a woman will lead to even more contempt (as reverse side respect). Regardless of whether you limit yourself to actions without humiliation or with humiliation. Attempts to “curry favor” with a woman always lead to a loss of respect.
It would be possible to compose more, but there are no more rules as such. There is more
For example:
1. If respect is lost, the relationship should end. This will save your nerves, and your resources and your self-esteem. Better to walk away with a little bit of respect than to wait for it to turn into contempt. By retaining the remnants of respect, you will not allow the loss of your Masculinity, which otherwise will be very, very difficult to restore.
And this is how it manifests itself in the first place. If you left on time, you usually manage to find a new partner quite easily. If you pulled with the departure, fought and fought for " love and respect”- you have lost both your resources and your self-esteem and your masculinity. And for the women around you, you are akin to a plucked chick. Not an eagle, no.
2. I will repeat what I already wrote above. In no case should you pay for reconciliation, comfort, sex or any other momentary benefit with your respect. Do NOT do that. You will lose incomparably more than you will gain. You may win the battle (although what kind of victory is there if you give up all your borders just to get what you want), but you lose the war.
P.S: Oh, and yes, you should not perceive the relationship between a man and a woman as a war - this is just my lack of imagination for metaphors.
Respect is rarely lost instantly.
Not a single insult, not a single oversight or joint - will kill respect for you in the bud. Only in very rare cases and with very difficult girls (for whom any oversight is a worthless man, but these are the girl’s problems and you shouldn’t communicate with such people), a loss of respect is possible. In all other cases, you lose more respect when you try to "make amends" or "correct" your mistake.
Keep in mind. There is a big, just a huge difference between the concept of "mistakes" from the position of a woman's respect for you, and the concept of "mistakes" from a woman's view. For example, if you swore obscenities and it’s not for a woman, this will only in rare cases lead to a loss of respect for you. But your subsequent apologies for this act will just lead to the loss of this respect.
Your main value as a man is your masculinity.
Your self-identification as a man. In no case do not allow jokes, jokes or ridicule of your masculine qualities or your position in the world as a man. You may not be a jock, you may not be a master of sports in boxing, you may not be a millionaire, you may not be handsome, but you must remain a man. And any woman who tries to prove otherwise to you deserves to be sent far away.
She can be offended, she can squeal, pout, get angry, write angry sms - you can not react to all this at all. A man with normal male self-esteem will not react to all these female scenes. Exactly until she starts insulting you or doubting your masculinity. These moments deserve your attention and must be clearly suppressed.
Not always, and not everyone has the opportunity to put a presumptuous woman (and in this case, they are women) in place (and this place is not a kitchen, no need to humiliate anyone in return). In this case, you should break off contact and after a while make it clear that you will not allow such behavior now or in the future. Let him scream, hysteria, pout, but at the same time do not try to humiliate or insult you. These acts of behavior are acts of aggression. attacks on you. The attack must be stopped. And petty indignations and discontents do not deserve special attention, after all, women need these emotions.
We, men and women, are at the same time similar in one thing and very different in another. And if for women the greatest, most significant values are beauty and femininity. That for a man is respect and his masculinity. And if everything is not so clear with the second, then everything is extremely clear with the first. It is very hard to lie to yourself in any situation, asking yourself the question “Am I now respected or not?”, “Will this action bring me respect or will I lose it?”. You can of course lie, but it's hard. And you can rely on these criteria. Do not react to trifles, but do not allow disrespect.
(With) ; original - http://www.alex-odessa.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=8293